Noughts & Crosses 7 page

'Jessica's out. So is my mum,' Tobey told me.

I exhaled with relief, then tried to pull myself together, without much success.

'Callie, talk to me. What's wrong?' Tobey asked.

I shook my head, not yet trusting myself to speak. Tobey took my hand and led me into his kitchen. He made me a cup of coffee, ladling in three sugars even though I never have sugar in my coffee. He pushed the hot mug into my hands, ignoring me when I shook my head.

'Drink it,' he ordered. 'You look like you need it.'

Tentatively, I took a sip, but it burned my top lip. Fresh tears filled my eyes. Not because of the coffee – it wasn't that. But now that I'd started crying, I couldn't seem to stop.

'D'you want to talk?' Tobey asked.

I nodded.

'Come on then.' And Tobey led the way upstairs to his bedroom.

Nineteen. Tobey

Callie sat on my bed, her fingers lightly tracing the lightning-fork pattern on my dark-blue duvet cover. Her lips were a straight line across her face, her forehead was furrowed. She picked up her coffee from my bedside table and forced herself to drink some more. Her now hazel-coloured eyes were staring straight through my floorboards, through the foundations of the house and down into the planet's core. I opened my mouth to offer her pocket change for her thoughts, then decided against it. I didn't need to be psychic or even terribly astute to know who was on her mind. Nana Jasmine.

How long before the memory of her nana stopped slashing at her? How long before the thought of Nana Jasmine brought a smile to her eyes instead of turning them a shimmering hazel? No one deserved to die the way Jasmine Hadley did. But Callie wore the memory of her death like a hair shirt. It was an accident. Why couldn't she see that? I sighed inwardly, wishing there was some way to lessen the hurt Callie was feeling. After all, we might be something less than lovers, but at least we were something more than friends. And I hated to see Callie this way.

But then there were my own troubles. With each second I expected the police to start hammering at my door. How stupid could one person get? A world of trouble was about to descend on my head and I had no one to blame but myself. And Dan. But mainly myself. I wondered about Ross Resnick, if indeed it had been his finger in that parcel. Where was he? Was he alive or dead? No doubt Louise Resnick's present had been courtesy of Creepy McAuley. The Dowds and McAuley's lot had been trying to wipe each other out for years and the police seemed to be no closer to putting a stop to it. McAuley or the odd Dowd or two occasionally made it to court, but that's as far as it ever went. Witnesses against any of them invariably developed the strangest forms of selective amnesia, or else they just disappeared like a magician's trick. In spite of my best efforts, I was now knee-deep in something I'd fought long and hard to avoid. And if Mum found out . . .

'Tobey, are you OK?'

I sat down beside Callie. ''Course. But you're not, are you?'

Callie looked at me, her eyes momentarily unfocused. A smile, fake as silicon boobs, tugged her mouth upwards.

'I'm fine now.'

'Liar,' I suggested.

A hint of a genuine smile appeared. 'What makes you think something's wrong, apart from my tears showering you earlier?'

I bit back a smile. 'Hard as it is to read your poker face, I can see something's gnawing at you.'

Even without the tears, Callie seriously believed that she could suppress her every thought and feeling, that her face was like one of those classical masks. I didn't bother pointing out the obvious. We sat in silence. A couple of times, Callie opened her mouth to speak, but no words came.

'Callie, what happened to your nana Jasmine was a tragic accident,' I ventured at last.

'You think so?' Callie whispered. She looked up at me with the saddest eyes I've ever seen.

'I know so,' I replied. 'She just had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.'

Callie's gaze skittered away from mine. 'I guess.'

'Callie?' There was something else going on here. I frowned. 'What aren't you telling me?'

Callie looked me in the eye, her watchful gaze never wavering. 'Tobey, d'you remember that morning we spent together on Nana Jasmine's beach, the day of the explosion at the Isis Hotel?'

Callie's birthday and the day Callie's nan died. I nodded. Of course I remembered.

'I wanted to stay on that beach with you for ever. Especially when you kissed me. I was scared to leave you.'

'Why did you then?' I asked.

Callie could no longer look at me. Her gaze bounced off my rug, my painted walls, the navy-blue curtains, anywhere but me. 'D'you remember I had a carrier bag that day?' Her voice was so quiet, I had to move closer to hear her.

I frowned. 'Vaguely.'

Silence.

'Callie . . .'

'The carrier bag had a bomb in it. The same bomb that killed Nana Jasmine.'

I stared at her. Whatever else I'd been expecting, it sure as hell wasn't that.

'Are you sure?' I regretted the inane words the moment they left my mouth. 'I mean, where did you get it from?'

'I made it. Uncle Jude taught me how and he gave me everything I needed to make it.' Callie's fingers twisted relentlessly in her lap. Head bowed, I watched as a tear dropped onto the back of her hand, quickly followed by another, and another.

Jude McGregor . . . The Jude McGregors of this world swept through life, spreading poison like weedkiller over every person who crossed their path. I placed a hand under Callie's chin, turning her face towards my own. 'Who was the target?'

'Grandpa Kamal,' Callie said at last.

I inhaled sharply. 'How did your nana . . . ?' There was no good end to that sentence, so I left it trailing.

'Somehow Nana Jasmine guessed what I was going to do. She took the bomb and went to Jude's hotel to confront him with it. They both died and it was all my fault. But now . . .'

Silence.

'Yes?'

'The Nought killed in the explosion has been identified as some man called Robert Powers. Uncle Jude wasn't killed at all. Tobey, I killed . . . I murdered an innocent man.'

I shook my head, still trying to take it all in. 'Callie, it was an accident.'

'Robert Powers is dead because of me. I'm responsible. And Uncle Jude is still out there . . . He's going to come after me. I just know it.'

I stared at her. 'You haven't heard anything from him since the bomb went off, have you?'

Callie shook her head.

'Suppose, just suppose you're right and it wasn't your uncle who was killed,' I said carefully. 'If you haven't heard from him by now, there's no reason to think he'll come after you.'

Callie sighed. 'Tobey, you don't know him. He won't stop until he's had his revenge. Look at the way he waited years before using me to get back at my mum.'

'He won't get to you, Callie, because I won't let him,' I told her.

Callie smiled faintly, but said nothing. I knew what she was thinking. Much as she might appreciate the sentiment behind my words, she didn't think I'd stand much of a chance against the likes of Jude McGregor.

'Tobey, I think . . . I'm dying inside – all over again. And I can't bear it.'

'I'm here and I won't let that happen,' I told her, my arm slipping round her shoulders. 'Callie, you're not alone, I promise.'

'That's not how it feels, in here.' Callie's finger tapped repeatedly at the place over her heart.

'Callie, don't . . .'

'What, Tobey? Don't what? "Don't say that"? "Don't feel that way"? What useless advice d'you have for me?' Callie glared at me, but I wasn't about to spout platitudes – that was my sister's speciality, not mine. I knew better.

'I'm on your side, babe,' I said softly. 'You know that.'

Callie expression slowly softened. 'I'm sorry.'

She smoothed back her long curly hair with both hands. I watched her lick her lips before she turned back to me. Moments passed as I tried my best to put into words how I felt.

'You're not the only one . . . hurting, Callie,' I said at last.

Callie regarded me, taken aback. I met her gaze unflinchingly. I didn't try to hide anything.

'What's wrong, Tobey?' she asked.

'I . . . I got stopped earlier today on Chancellor Street. Two Noughts in a car . . .'

At once Callie's expression was all concern. I didn't need to say any more. She didn't need to hear any more. She understood.

'Are you all right?'

'I'm still standing,' I said, my pathetic attempt at a joke.

'What did they want?'

'The usual. Wanted to know what side of Meadowview was my spiritual home.'

'And you said?'

'"I don't live here. I'm just visiting a friend" – unquote.'

'What did they do?' asked Callie, her unease growing rather than lessening.

'Drove off. They lost interest.'

'What on earth were you doing round the Chancellor Estate?'

'I had to see someone,' I said reluctantly.

'Tobey, are you sure you're OK?'

'They didn't touch me,' I replied, adding to make a joke of it, 'I'll strip down to my hair follicles and you can check me over very slowly if you like – just to confirm it.'

Callie raised an eyebrow. 'Thanks, but I'll take your word for it.'

We sat still. Silent seconds were batted back and forth between us.

What does it mean when you can't even admit you live in a certain place any more in case you're caught slipping?

'Something is very wrong when your postcode could be the signature on your death warrant,' I said.

'You did the right thing—'

'The cowardly thing,' I interrupted.

'The right thing,' Callie insisted. 'Whatever it takes to survive, Tobey. You know that. And better a lie than a knife in the gut for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. You can't afford to be stupid – none of us can.'

'I just wish . . .' I began. I didn't finish the rest. It was pointless. Wishes didn't come true, not around Meadowview.

'So do I.' Callie knew what I was trying to say without me having to say it. She shook her head. 'Every time there's a fatal stabbing or shooting and it's Noughts involved, it's in the paper for a day, if that, and the politicians say it's tragic and then it's "as you were, everyone". And the rest of the country breathes a huge sigh of relief that it didn't happen in their back yard.'

Things had changed since my mum's day. Schools could no longer openly discriminate against us Noughts and everyone had to stay in school until they were at least sixteen – Nought or Cross. OK, so the Equal Rights bill currently wending its way through Parliament wouldn't change all attitudes overnight – especially in the blinkered wrinklies over thirty. But it was a start, a step. It's just . . . it was so hard to be patient when patience was taken as a sign of weakness or, worse still, a sign of acquiescence in the status quo. Dan, Alex McAuley, the Liberation Militia and even I had grown sick and tired of being patient. We all wanted our share and we wanted it now. And if we didn't get it, if it was denied us, well, why wait? Just take. The trouble was, everyone was taking. Nought, Cross, it made no difference. When you got right down to it, it was all about territory, for everyone on the planet. If countries could fight over it, then why not individuals? What's mine is mine, what's yours is mine. All together now. Everybody sing.

I thought of Dan and his box of knives and his protestations that the streets weren't safe. There was a lot of that kind of thinking going on. That kind of thinking had turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

'It's not right,' Callie said, sparks in her eyes. 'Those guys in the car and the others like them, they're all hag fishes. Uncle Jude was right about that if nothing else.'

We both sat in brooding silence.

'Callie, that's not the only thing that happened today,' I admitted.

'What else?' Callie frowned.

'I did something incredibly stupid and I have a feeling it's going to come back to haunt me.'

'What did you do?'

I opened my mouth to tell her, then thought better of it. I'd got into the middle of something and now I was up to my armpits in alligators. Did I really want to drag Callie into my mess?

'I'd better not say,' I replied, turning away from her.

Now it was Callie's turn to place her hand on my chin and turn my face back towards her own. 'Was it something really bad?'

I nodded. We regarded each other.

'So one way or another we're in the same boat?' asked Callie.

I nodded again.

'What do we do about it?'

I thought about all the things I could say, but none of them seemed even remotely adequate. She looked at me. I looked at her. Neither of us said a word. We spontaneously leaned towards each other. And I kissed her. Just my lips against hers to begin with. And though she was surprised, she didn't pull away. Her hands crept up my arms to hold my shoulders. That was all I needed, to wrap my arms around her. I opened my mouth, my tongue darting out to touch her bottom lip. Callie opened her mouth immediately. My tongue slipped inside. Maybe I should've licked or nibbled her lips first. But my tongue had other ideas. And to my surprise, Callie kissed me just as intently and as intensely as I kissed her. It was just meant to be friendly kissing, two friends comfort kissing because in that moment we both desperately needed to touch and be touched. We both needed to know that for just a few moments life wasn't a journey that had to be travelled alone. But with each second it became something more.

Callie snaked her arms around my neck, her lips still on mine. I wanted Callie so much, my body was aching. One of my hands moved up from her waist to cup her breast. And she didn't pull away to tell me to stop and she didn't slap my hand away. If anything she kissed me harder, her tongue darting back and forth into my mouth. I was trying with all my might to hang onto some semblance of reason, but it was fast flying out of my bedroom window. Callie was in my room, on my bed, kissing me, touching me, her hands slipping under my shirt. My mouth was suddenly dry. I wanted her so much, but I was scared. Scared she'd stop me. Scared she wouldn't. Scared all my dreams would come true and I'd be inside her for the very first time. Scared I'd be inside any girl for the first time and I wouldn't know what to do, how to move properly or make it good for my partner. For Callie.

Were we really going to do this? We sat next to each other on the bed. Callie looked at me, but didn't smile. I needed her. I moved to kiss her again, my hands moving restlessly over her body. She pulled away from me, placing a finger over my lips. I was immediately still, all except my pounding heart and the blood sprinting around my body.

'Tobey, d'you want me?'

Was she frickin' kidding? I took her hand in mine and placed it over my erection. Answers on a postcard please!

'Wow. Is that all for me?' Callie sounded worried.

'We'll take it slow,' I assured her.

'D'you have any condoms?' she asked.

I nodded. How about five packets, hidden under my mattress! I believed in thinking ahead. Callie moved her hand lightly over my groin, sending such shock waves of electricity through me that my body pulsed like a strummed guitar string. She leaned forward for another kiss. I met her more than halfway. Our lips together, our tongues swirled around and over each other. By the time Callie reluctantly pulled away from me, I was harder than I'd ever been before.

'I've never done this before,' Callie whispered.

My eyebrows shot up. Damn, every bit of my body was up.

'How come?' I asked, surprised.

'You never wanted me before.'

I looked into Callie's brown eyes and realized she really believed that. Damn, but I should bottle this poker face and sell it on a market stall. How many nights had I lain awake wondering about Lucas and Callie when they were an item? All those sleepless nights imagining them together, doing what we were doing now.

'I thought you and Lucas . . .' I began, still not quite able to believe it.

'Never.'

I couldn't help it. A grin broke out all over my face. Snubs to you then, Lucas!

'What's so funny?' Callie frowned. 'Now that you know I didn't do it with Lucas, you're not interested any more? Is that it?'

Why did girls always have to over-think everything? Godsake!

'Of course I'm still interested,' I said, exasperated. 'Has your brain stopped working?'

'Then why . . . ?'

I kissed Callie again. I admit the first few seconds were to stop her from talking bollocks, but after that it was 'cause it felt damned good. We carried on kissing whilst we tentatively undressed each other. It was awkward and fumbling and definitely not practised, but it didn't matter. We laughed together at our mutual eager clumsiness. And that made it even better somehow, like discovering a new place together. When we were both naked we lay on my bed, just kissing and hugging and tasting and touching each other. Her boobs were hot under my hands and soft and I didn't want to stop touching them. But there were other parts of her body I wanted to touch as well. From the way my body was throbbing, I knew I couldn't hold out much longer. I stroked up and down Callie's thighs before stroking between her legs to make sure she was ready for me. I had to get out of bed and fiddle under my mattress to find just one packet of condoms, which amused Callie no end. After finally putting on a condom, which was trickier than I thought and took three attempts, I moved over Callie to lie on her, my legs between hers. We kissed and just touched each other for long, loving minutes.

'D'you really want to . . . ?' I couldn't help asking. I needed to be sure that she wanted this just as much as I did. I was never going to risk losing her again.

Callie nodded. 'But only if you do,' she teased.

My upper body supported by my extended arms, I looked into her beautiful eyes as I pushed slowly inside her. God, it felt so good – until Callie winced. I was immediately still.

'D'you want to stop?' I whispered.

Say no. Please say no.

Callie shook her head. 'Just . . . wait a bit. Let me get used to you.'

I held as still as I could for as long as I could, reciting multiplication tables and bits of the periodic table in my head to calm down. Callie started to move slowly beneath me. I used that as my signal to go further, get deeper inside her. I moved slowly, pulling out a little and pushing on, doing my best not to rush. When she grimaced for the third time, I was ready to come out of her completely. I couldn't enjoy it if she didn't. As if she sensed what I was about to do, Callie's hands moved over my bum to pull me closer to her at the same time as she arched her hips. We both gasped as I slid all the way inside her. I lay still, only kissing her then, trying to silently tell her just what she meant to me, what being with her meant to me. I rose up to look at her. Callie's eyes were closed.

'Am I hurting you?' I whispered.

'Not so much now,' Callie replied softly. 'In fact . . .'

She wriggled her hips beneath me. Lightning jolts flashed through my body again. I couldn't help but groan.

'Tobey, are we having sex or making love?' Callie asked.

It was such a girly question that I had to smile.

'What d'you think?' I whispered, before nibbling on her ear lobe.

'Feels like making love to me.' Her hands stroked over my back as our hips slowly moved together. 'Does it feel like that to you?'

'Callie, you talk too much,' I groaned.

'Aren't we supposed to talk then?'

'Your mind should be on more than just conversation,' I rose up on my arms to tell her.

'It is.'

Callie's eyes closed as I withdrew and moved slowly inside her again. The little moan of pleasure she gave then lanced through me. I hadn't expected that, that giving her pleasure would actually increase my own.

'What else is on your mind?' I murmured.

Callie opened her eyes to look straight at me. 'How much you mean to me.'

My head spun with all the words I wanted to say, the way she made me feel inside and out. My mind was all corners and cracks and crevices, and thoughts and memories of her occupied every single one. How she looked when she was pissed off with me. The way she lowered her head before giving me one of her dirty looks. The way she raised her chin before she had a good laugh. A lifetime of memories, with spaces for an eternity more. I opened my mouth, but Callie placed a finger to my lips.

'Callie, I . . .'

'No words, especially not ones you feel forced into saying.' She smiled.

No force involved or required, but I didn't speak. Our fingers laced together at our sides. Our legs twined like vines. We were so connected that I couldn't feel where I ended and she began any more. Every sense was at work and heightened. I buried my face in the crook of her neck, mouthing the words that she'd forbidden me to say. Couldn't she feel how I felt about her? Couldn't she tell what she was doing to me? Damn it, I had to say something. Just tell her the truth. 'Callie . . .'

Her eyelids fluttered open. She had a look on her face I'd never seen before. The light in her eyes made me catch my breath. And then we couldn't stop looking at each other as we moved together.

'You and me, babe, against the world,' I whispered.

Callie smiled and hugged me closer – and the rest of the world just fell away.

Twenty. Callie

Wow! I'd done it. I'd actually done it. With Tobey. Ha! If anyone had told me six months ago that my first lover would be Tobey, I would've rolled on the floor, clutching my stomach. But we did it. And it was awkward and somewhere between uncomfortable and painful to begin with and hot and sweaty and messy and so damned wonderful to conclude.

'Are you OK?' Tobey asked, once he'd come back from disposing of his condom.

'I'm fine,' I whispered. I lay next to him, my head on his shoulder, with both his arms around me. 'It's getting late.' The last thing I needed was Jessica arriving home and bursting in on us. My face grew hot just thinking about it. 'Tobey, I should go home.'

Tobey held me that much tighter. 'What d'you have planned for tomorrow?'

I shrugged. 'Not a lot. Why?'

'Dan owes me some money. I'm meeting him at four o'clock tomorrow afternoon at the Wasteland to get it. Maybe you and I could do something afterwards to celebrate.'

'What are we celebrating?'

'Well, I can get rid of my V plates for a start.' Tobey grinned. 'That's definitely worth celebrating.'

I sat up, staring at him in wide-eyed disbelief. 'But what about you and Misty?'

Tobey lay back, his arms behind his head. 'How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not the slightest bit interested in Misty before you believe me?'

'But she's going round telling everyone how wonderful you are, especially in bed,' I informed him.

'How the hell would she know?' Tobey frowned.

That lying cow! I laughed and lay down on his shoulder again. His arms were instantly around me again. That was lovely in itself, like I belonged right there and nowhere else.

'Misty is pretty, though.' I could say that now I knew Tobey wasn't secretly lusting after her.

'If you like bubble heads who weigh about as much as one pound twenty pence,' Tobey said with disdain.

I stared at him. 'Ooh! Meow! Waiter, saucer of milk for Mr Durbridge please.'

Tobey grinned ruefully. 'Well, it's true. If she ever had an original thought it would die of loneliness.'

I burst out laughing. 'Tobey, that's harsh. Remind me never to get on your wrong side.'

'You can get on any side of me you like,' Tobey said hopefully.

'Where I am now is just fine, thank you.'

We lay in peaceful silence whilst time sloped past us.

'Tobey, d'you know what you are?' I ran a finger across his lips and down his nose and along the curve of his ear before cupping his cheek.

'What?'

Tobey looked at me. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he looked . . . nervous.

I whispered, 'You are . . . my mender of broken things.'

We looked at each other then. I mean, really looked. For just a few seconds, maybe a few plus, but it was enough. Enough for my heartbeat to quicken. Enough to make me catch my breath. Enough to quell any doubts trying to surface in my head. A slow smile swept across Tobey's face. He caught hold of my hand as it fell away from his face and kissed my palm.

'What was that for?' I smiled.

'Dunno. Maybe I mistook your hand for a biscuit,' he teased. 'Besides, you girls like that kind of thing, don't you?'

I snatched back my hand. 'This girl only likes it if you mean it.'

'I mean it,' Tobey replied, no hint of a teasing smile. He had a really strange look on his face. His gaze dropped from my eyes to my lips and stayed there. I ran my tongue over my lips and then my teeth.

'What?' I asked when I couldn't stand it any longer.

'What what?' asked Tobey.

'Why're you staring at my mouth? Have I got some food stuck between my tee—?'

Tobey kissed me. Really kissed me. Soft and gentle and long and loving and passionate. It was bloody lovely. Moments turned into minutes before I finally pulled away.

'I'll take that as a no!' I said, when I got my breath back.

Tobey just smiled. I glanced at the clock on his bedside table.

'I really should go,' I said reluctantly.

'Stay just a bit longer,' Tobey whispered, kissing my forehead and nose before moving to my lips. 'I've got five whole boxes of condoms under my mattress to get through.'

'Tobey, you must be drunk!' I immediately hopped out of bed and started to get dressed.

I ask you! Not even five condoms, but five boxes. What was he like? I turned to glare at him, but instead the frustrated look on Tobey's face made me burst out laughing.

I was laughing.

I was smiling.

You know what, Uncle Jude? Sod you. I'm happy and whatever happens now, you can't take that away from me. And I'll tell you something else. There'll be no more hiding away, no more feeling sorry for myself. Those days are over.

'Thanks, Tobey,' I said, pulling my T-shirt over my head.

'For what?'

'For listening to me. For being with me.'

'You're welcome,' said Tobey, adding hopefully, 'I was joking about using up all five boxes of condoms tonight. We've got all weekend to do that.'

'Omigod! I'm shagging a sexbot,' I exclaimed, sitting down again. 'Tobey, how about we give Mr Ever-Ready a rest for tonight? Besides, I'm sore.'

Tobey was immediately at my side. 'Are you sure you're OK?'

'I'm fine, I promise. I'm sore in a good way, not a bad way,' I tried to explain.

'How does that work?' asked Tobey sceptically.

'I'm not sorry we did it,' I told him. 'In fact, just the opposite.'

Tobey smiled and we kissed again.

'But don't go boasting to your friends about the two of us – and that includes Dan,' I added fiercely when I came up for air. 'Or Mr Ever-Ready will have only his memories to keep him warm. Understand?'

'Understood.' Tobey's smile grew broader.

'I mean it, Tobey. If you say one word about this to anyone, I'll kill you.'

'OK! OK! I said I understood, didn't I?' Tobey said, exasperated. 'Damn, but you're scary when you're annoyed!'

'And don't you forget it,' I replied. 'Are you going to get dressed or not?'

Tobey finally got his bum out of bed. He dressed in silence, but every time I looked at him, he had a ridiculous grin on his face. I had to bite my cheeks to stop myself from laughing with him. If he was a peacock, his tail feathers would be open like a fan and he'd be strutting!

'We still on for tomorrow?' said Tobey.

'If you're going to meet Dan tomorrow afternoon, does that mean you're taking the day off work?'

'Yeah.'

'Tobey, the stupid thing you did today, did that have anything to do with Dan?'

'It might've done.' Tobey was at once cagey.

'Are you going to tell me what you did?'

He shook his head, his expression sombre. 'Not now. Soon.'

Much as I wanted him to confide in me, if I pushed any more, he'd clam up completely. But that did it. No way was I going to let him meet Dan by himself. If I was there, I could at least try to stop him from doing another idiotic thing. I just wished I knew what he was talking about. He'd tell me, of course, but in his own sweet time and not if I forced the issue.

'I'll go with you to the Wasteland tomorrow afternoon. Then we can talk about how to spend the rest of our evening,' I said.

Date: 2015-12-18; view: 625