Wednesday 27th February

Two days to the long weekend.

ADVENTURE CLUB

Mr Hall took us off to the small forest near the dam and conducted a demonstration on setting up camp. He then told us to imagine we were lost in the bush and had to create a ‘rudimentary sleeping arrangement’ for ourselves in just thirty minutes. Mad Dog sprinted off like a wild man and Vern must have misunderstood the instructions because he collapsed onto the ground and pretended to sleep. Mr Hall called him a mongoloid and told him to get up and stop farting around.

I found some vine plants and tied them together to make a hammock. I then wrapped my jersey and school shirt around the vine stems to make it comfy and used a packet of dry leaves for a pillow. The final touch was tying an orange flower to the end of the vines to give it a homely feel. There was the sound of loud banging further into the forest and I noticed Fatty was grovelling around near the dam where he was being dive-bombed by three blacksmith plovers.

We all gathered at 1pm and Mr Hall eyed us shiftily with his pipe in his mouth and smoke pouring out of his nose.

Mr Hall told Vern to show us his bed. Vern collapsed onto the ground again and pretended to be asleep. Our master sucked on his pipe and considered the situation. Vern then started snoring loudly. Mr Hall told Vern to get up but Vern shook his head without opening his eyes and carried on pretending sleep but now whistling every time he breathed out. Mr Hall stared at him for ages, then took a long drag on his pipe and asked us what Vern’s name was. Rambo told him it was Rain Man. Mr Hall sucked on his pipe and said, ‘That figures…’

The group moved on and left Vern pretending to sleep. Simon had made a great bed out of sacks and straw. Rambo had stolen a canoe from the shed and said that this was his bed. Mr Hall considered the boat which had Pope’s Canoe Centre in bold writing on the side. He told Rambo it was highly unlikely that he would find a canoe lying around in the bush but gave him full marks for creative ingenuity.

Everyone laughed at my flower so I quickly took it down and stuffed it in my pocket. Mr Hall asked me if I was a nancy and everyone laughed again. He told me to lie down on my hammock of vines. Unfortunately, the whole thing broke and I ended up on my bum with everyone laughing again. Mr Hall shook his head and led us to the tree house Mad Dog had made. It could probably sleep six! Apparently he had found wood outside the canoe shed and nailed up an entire tree house in half an hour. Mr Hall gritted his pipe between his teeth and told Mad Dog he was ‘one of a goddamn kind’.

We then returned to where Vern was pretending to sleep and Mr Hall conducted a fire making lecture. Vern was so intrigued that he kept opening one eye to watch what was going on. Mr Hall lit his fire and Vern eventually gave up sleeping and joined us all as we stood and stared, mesmerized by the flames.

Friday 1st March

LONG WEEKEND

After assembly we gathered in our dormitory and shook hands (and paws). I felt a little sad to be leaving the Crazy Eight. I then realized I was being ridiculous. I’m going home and I’ve decided to get my Mermaid back!

13:00 Dad picked me up from the bus stop in our station wagon that now sounds like a drag racing car and has tinted windows. My father reckons he splashed out because business is booming and at last he can afford the V8 fuel injected diesel engine he’s always wanted.

I did my best to hide my embarrassment that the Miltons are driving a super-charged hearse around town.

Mom and Dad had a fight about the car when we got home. Mom says she’s the laughing stock of her book club. Dad said he blackened the windows for ‘security reasons’. It’s really weird to be home, knowing that burglars have been in my room. I double-checked that my 1990 diary was still safe. Obviously the burglars thought it was worthless.

Blacky seems to have doubled in size since January. Dad says the dog’s a maniac and in need of a jolly good thrashing. Secretly, though, he loves Blacky and Mom and Dad now have him sleeping in bed with them so that he doesn’t bark at the flying ants.

Spent the evening devising plans to get Mermaid back.

Plan 1

The romantic approach. Includes flowers, poetry and other romantic stuff.

Plan 2

Begging, pleading, snivelling and crying.

Plan 3

Pretend to have a casual chat and then kiss her when she least expects it.

Plan 4

Abuse and violence. Threaten her with a steak knife until she comes back to me.

Plan 5

Go and visit her, look completely disinterested and talk about all the girls I’m kissing. (Basically, lie.)

Plan 6

Tell her I’ve had a breakdown and wait for her to come back. (Play mad.)

Plan 7

Commit suicide.

After careful analysis of the options, bearing in mind my tendency to be cowardly and take the easy option, I have decided on number 1. Also, Dad reckons he could score Princess Diana with his homegrown roses if he put his mind to it – I guess us Miltons should play to our strengths. This time tomorrow night I could be lying on my bed kissing the Mermaid. It’s not impossible…

Saturday 2nd March

Mom tried really hard to convince me that trying to win Mermaid back was a bad idea. The way I see it there’s nothing to lose except my dignity. (Which I lost anyway when I begged her to stay with me after she dumped me.)

I spent the day editing the poem I wrote last night and planning what I was going to say to her. I thought about phoning her first but that’s too scary so I guess I’ll just surprise her and see what she says.

Dad offered to drive me to Mermaid’s house and then wait for me around the corner. He reckons ‘a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do’.

16:45 Mom tried to talk me out of it just fifteen minutes before I was to embark on Mission Mermaid. She said I should ‘let sleeping dogs lie’.

17:00 Dad roared down the street in our turbocharged hearse. In one hand I held the biggest bunch of red and yellow roses and in the other a purple envelope with the poem inside. Dad stopped the hearse around the corner from Mermaid’s house and gave me a big hug. He then dabbed some of his Old Spice aftershave on my chin and said, ‘Secret weapon.’

My heart was thumping and I felt nauseous. I found some bushes and tried to puke but nothing came out. I crept around the outside of Mermaid’s property, keeping close to the hedge and finally stopping outside the gate from where I was able to sneak a peek at the house. The front door was open and I could see blurred movement inside.

After about twenty minutes of hiding behind the gate like a criminal, I finally psyched myself up for my big move. Just then a white Volkswagen Golf with shiny silver wheels and a yellow surfboard on the roof, sped down the road and hooted impatiently. The electric gates opened immediately. I slammed the small gate shut and leapt into the hedge. The driver sped through the gates and stopped inside the Mermaid’s yard. A strong looking guy who looked like a surfer checked out his long blonde hair in the rear-view mirror before getting out of the car and slamming the door with his foot. He wore cut-off jeans just below the knee, a tight vest that said Billabong, and green slipslops. I sank low into the shrubs as he swaggered across the front lawn whistling through his front teeth.

And then I saw her… It was the Mermaid, walking out of the house and standing like a picture of beauty on the veranda. I was battling to breathe and had to steady myself against the fence. She wore a denim miniskirt and a tight red top. Is it possible that she has become even more beautiful? Then she smiled her dazzling smile. Except it wasn’t for me. It was for the surfer and his white Golf. And then I had to watch them kiss!

It was like watching a horror movie. The rest was a blur and after some time I realized that all I was staring at was a car, an empty garden and a closed door.

I staggered down the street and must have thrown the roses away because they were gone by the time I reached Dad’s car. Dad took one look at me and said, ‘Shit a brick.’ He then tried to cheer me up by saying that I would one day remember this moment and be pleased that I was freed from a neurotic girl and an even more neurotic mother-in-law. I nodded because I didn’t want to cry in front of my father.

I should have listened to Mom. She probably knew anyway.

Sunday 3rd March

I didn’t get out of bed until lunchtime. Mom opened my bedroom door for Blacky who bounded in and leapt onto my bed and began licking my face and growling suspiciously at my bedside lamp. I heard the station wagon roar up the driveway and then the slam of car doors and the high-pitched screech of Wombat. I rolled over and pretended to be dead but then Blacky started humping my leg while staring passionately at my lamp.

I walked outside and saw the usual scene: Dad blowing on the braai and muttering angrily to himself about the dropping standards in charcoal, Mom in her tanning chair holding a goblet of wine in one hand and her fly swatter in the other, and Wombat (dressed in a green velvet suit) speaking in hushed whispers from her deckchair in the shade. This time Wombat was going on about a jackpot that she was meant to have won at Bingo on Tuesday. She reckons the organizers have it in for her and gave it to Beryl Edmunds instead. She then floored her glass of sherry and accused Beryl Edmunds of being an alky.

I jumped into the pool to get away from everyone but the swimming pool made me think about the surfer in the Volkswagen Golf.

After lunch Mom made an announcement. Our flights to England have been booked for 4th July. I’ve never been overseas before – I’m already excited! (Despite the fact that we may emigrate and never come back home.)

18:30 Since the burglary Dad and Innocence are no longer selling booze from our house. Johnny Rogers (an old friend of Dad’s) is selling the booze from his garage next to the bus shelter. Dad says he’s had to put the price up to two rand a bottle because Johnny takes fifty cents a bottle now. It turns out that Innocence’s brew is so popular that she and Dad have a waiting list. The magic brew is called INNOCCENT MOONSHINE.

I asked Dad if he was scared of being bust. He laughed nervously and told me that all Miltons are born winners and he’d rather take the risk than go back to dry cleaning.

On the way back from a moonshine delivery I asked Dad to drive me past Mermaid’s house. I made an excuse and told him I had dropped my pen there last night.

The house was dark, and the Volkswagen Golf was still parked on the lawn.

Monday 4th March

Innocence’s sister (Mbali) is doing the housework now so that Innocence can focus on the moonshine. Mom and Dad can’t remember Mbali’s name so they call her Innocence as well.

Spent the day reading Nineteen Eighty-Four. It’s very bleak but brilliant.

This has been the worst weekend in living memory.

WEEKEND SCORECARD

RAMBO Shagged a barmaid in the flower bed at his cousin’s wedding. He said he has proof. (Apparently his cousin bust him in the act.) FATTY Tried eating crocodile for the first time and said it tasted like tough chicken. BOGGO Worked at his stepdad’s tote and got paid five hundred bucks a day! VERN Was allowed to take Roger home with him. (I think Sparerib has finally realized that his cat has dumped him.) ROGER Went to Vern’s farm and didn’t leave Vern’s cupboard once. SIMON Admitted that his mom bust him wanking. (Blind one.) MAD DOG Opened up a tree house business. He reckons he has 12 orders and is charging R5 000 per house. Think I might have to go into business with him! SPUD Found out that the Mermaid is in love with somebody else. Tuesday 5th March

Date: 2015-12-17; view: 526