Thursday 17th January

06:30 There was an uproar at roll call when the very tall new boy in our dormitory responded to the name:

Alexander Short

Alexander Short looks much better in the dark. He has a bad case of pimples around his mouth which makes him look like the kind of person who frequently forgets to wash around his mouth after eating. I introduced myself to him but all he said was an unfriendly, ‘Howzit.’

07:25 Wombat called to wish me Happy Birthday. I didn’t want to confuse her so I said thank you and tried to sound happy. She then started crying and said I must get on the first boat for Southampton as soon as the war ends. She then said an air raid siren had gone off and she had to switch off the electricity and hide under her bed. I called home to tell Mom that Wombat was losing her marbles but got Dad instead. There was a lot of shouting and commotion in the background and Dad kept screaming, ‘Straighten up! Straighten up!’ Then there was a huge crash and the line went dead. Mom phoned back to say that the builder’s lorry just smashed the gates clean off! Dad’s building what he calls a ‘safe house’ behind the garage with a concealed door. He says it’s for safety reasons but Mom and I reckon it’s because Innocence and Dad need more space to brew their liquor.

We have a whole lot of new teachers; most of them are really boring. Luckily we still have Lennox for history. Our English teacher Norm Wade is wickedly dull and never changes the tone of his voice when he speaks. He also has a mean stare and a bad stutter. Boggo thinks Norm could have the makings of a seriously good poker player providing he doesn’t have to speak. His official nickname is Salamander because he has long legs and very short arms. Eve is now the school counsellor and no longer teaches drama. (Not sure if this is because of her affair with Rambo last year or because of Dr Zoo leaving.) Boggo says he heard Dr Zoo is now doing experiments on people in Zambia. Viking is teaching us drama, which should be scary. I’m also doing art with Mr Lilly, and something called Adventure Club with Mr Hall.

11:00 There was an awkward moment in the main quad when Eve abruptly walked out of Sparerib’s office and nearly bumped into Boggo, Rambo and myself. Rambo stepped forward as if he wanted to hug her but Eve marched off without even greeting us properly. Then Sparerib came out and ordered us back to the house. He didn’t look at Rambo once and clearly there’s still tension in the air. The soap opera continues!

I asked Fatty about my nightmare last night. He said having a black cat sleeping in my cubicle is bound to create bad Karma. He suggested poisoning Roger or drinking a litre of water before sleeping to cleanse my bed of evil spirits.

14:30 CRICKET TRIALS

My bowling was very poor and I spent the afternoon chasing leather all over the place. After four full tosses in a row The Guv leapt up and shouted, ‘For God’s sakes, Milton, use the facilities, man!’ I guess I’ll have to practise hard tomorrow and hope like mad The Guv doesn’t drop me before Saturday’s game against Drake College.

Alexander Short has top of the range Gunn & Moore cricket equipment which he drags around in what looks like a coffin. His bat was even signed on both sides by Graeme Pollock. He told The Guv that he had been the best cricketer at his last school (a school in Jo’burg that nobody’s ever heard of). Clearly Alexander Short wasn’t much of a bowler because his run up looked like a deformed giraffe running away from a lion and The Guv said his bowling action was reminiscent of an aged cat having an epileptic fit.

Alexander Short then made the foolish mistake of going in to bat without his helmet. To make things worse he had taken ages to decide whether he needed his helmet or not, before eventually tossing it aside rather casually and opting for his brand new navy blue cricket cap instead. The choice of cap over helmet hadn’t escaped the attention of Mad Dog who immediately lengthened his run up by about twenty metres.

Short was looking rather cocky and spent ages stretching his hamstrings before The Guv told him to hurry up and threatened to impale him on his shooting stick and feed him piece by piece to his ex-wife. Short shrugged his shoulders, straightened his cap and took guard. Mad Dog shouted, ‘Coming in!’ and galloped out from under the trees looking like he was about to commit an act of savagery. Alexander Short seemed a little short on courage and confidence because when he saw Mad Dog roaring in like a barbarian his eyes swelled to the size of dinner plates and he started edging away from the wickets at a rate of knots. The ball rocketed into his stumps, sending them flying out of the ground. (By this stage Alexander Short (of courage) had ended up taking cover in the side netting.) The Guv then asked him if he hadn’t in fact come from the blind school. I was feeling sorry for the poor guy so I bowled him a gentle leg spinner but Alexander Short charged down the wicket and smashed it out of the nets and onto the pavilion roof. (That’s the thanks you get for a little generosity.) As I slunk off to go and find my ball Mad Dog promised to get revenge for me. I thanked him and set about looking for a ladder because the ball had got stuck in the gutter.

When I returned to the nets half the team had disappeared. It turns out that Mad Dog had got my revenge by hitting Alexander Short on the back of the head with a nasty bouncer. It took half the team to carry the new boy to the san. What a start!

Rambo isn’t very impressed with Alexander Short. He reckons he’s not Crazy Eight calibre and he’s going to have to improve his personality if he wants to join up.

I drank a litre of water to cleanse myself of bad spirits and a possibly haunted cat. Unfortunately, I spent most of the night running to the bogs for a slash.

Date: 2015-12-17; view: 699