MERMAID & SPUD IN THE WILDERNESS

The Wilderness is a splendid seaside holiday place near George on the Cape Garden Route. Unfortunately, Mermaid’s folks fought solidly for three days before her dad finally packed up and left. Mermaid got all depressed again, although we still managed to go to the beach every day and take a few romantic walks. We found the Groot Krokodil’s (former State President PW Botha) house called Die Anker. It has a huge wall, electric fence and a white security guard outside with a gun on his hip. We snooped around to check if we could get in but the Krokodil has a watertight lair. There must be lots of people who want to get him. Mermaid was wickedly brave and told the security guard we wanted to see the former state president. The security guy stubbed out his cigarette on the gate post and said it was a restricted area and that the Krokodil was sleeping (no doubt with one eye open). Mermaid giggled nervously and asked him if guarding the Krokodil’s house was dangerous. The security guard lit up another cigarette and said the hadedas were a problem.

CHRISTMAS

Wombat took us to lunch at the yacht club and soon caused chaos when she accused a four-year-old girl of stealing her Christmas cracker. Things were beginning to get a bit nasty so the waiter brought out two crackers for Wombat as a peace offering. My grandmother refused to accept them, thumped her fish fork into the table, and called the little girl a thug. Eventually, our table was moved outside onto the balcony, Wombat’s meal was on the house and we scored a free bottle of champagne.

NEW YEAR’S

Dad’s best friend Frank elected himself the DJ, got really drunk and jumped in the pool wearing a pair of underpants that said NUTCASE on the front. Unfortunately, as DJ, Frank was meant to be responsible for the countdown and we only realized at about 1am that his watch wasn’t waterproof. We all sang Auld Lang Syne at 1.03am and that’s when Dad tried to squash the beer can on his forehead. The guests left, Mom took Dad to the hospital, and I was ordered to clean up and search for Wombat. I discovered Wombat in the lounge reading to a very confused Innocence from a book called The Fundamentals of Contract Bridge (Advanced).

Mermaid and I are in love and as soon as we leave school she wants us to get married. I hope my balls drop by then – still no sign of anything and I’m fifteen in three months! Worried people are going to think I’m a freak.

Guess it’s another year of being a spud.

BACK TO THE BEGINNING…

17:10 The security guard saluted as the station wagon pulled up to the school gate. Dad, who by now was well into his second six pack, gave a dodgy Nazi salute out the window and shouted ‘Viva!’ The guard looked at him like he was a maniac and slowly closed the huge iron gates behind us.

I lugged my bags over my shoulders and staggered through the archway into the main quad. Pissing Pete looked a little sorry for himself as he dribbled water out of his sword and down his leg. Suddenly there was a loud shout of ‘FORE!’ followed by the sound of metal scraping against concrete. A huge army trunk roared through the house doors, raced across the cloisters and came to rest in the gutter. I could hear the muffled sound of sobbing from inside the trunk. I approached cautiously and opened up the lid to discover a tiny boy with freckled skin and eyes red from crying. He looked utterly terrified. Then a gruesome face leered through the house door sniggering and guffawing. It was Pike. ‘Ahhhh, Spud,’ he said. ‘Check – I’ve found you another Gecko to play with!’ Pike sniggered again before forcing the new boy back into the trunk and resting his left foot on the lid. He didn’t seem at all concerned that the small boy was freaking out and banging desperately against the sides of the trunk. Pike looked me up and down and said, ‘Welcome back, faggot boy. Think you’re a bit of a rock dog now you’re in second year? Just remember I’m in matric and most probably a prefect.’ He spat a greeny on my cricket bag and strolled off back into the house.

I trudged up the stairs, turned the corner, and stopped for a minute outside the second years’ dormitory. I paused and took a deep breath. Then I threw open the door and there they all were – the Crazy Eight. (Minus one, of course.)

Fatty sat on his locker eating a large packet of salt and vinegar chips. Simon was perched on his footlocker knocking in his cricket bat with a mallet. Rambo was lying on his bed and obviously in the middle of telling Boggo a war story from the holidays. Boggo was listening to Rambo’s story while popping a zit in the mirror. Mad Dog was halfway through engraving his name on the newly varnished windowpane with his hunting and filleting knife and had already made a spelling mistake. And finally, there was Vern, sitting on his bed having an in-depth conversation with Roger the cat. When Vern saw me, he began jumping up and down and pointing at the other bed in his cubicle. He then introduced me to his teddy bear called Potato. I shook Potato’s paw and started unpacking. It seems that for the second year in a row I’m sharing a cubicle with Rain Man. A bed in the far corner of Fatty’s cubicle stood empty. It doesn’t feel quite right without Gecko – I’m not sure it ever will.

HOLIDAY SCORECARD

RAMBO Went to Europe with his dad and his new stepmom. Rambo says his stepmom is hot and only 27 years old. Rambo’s dad is 46! Rambo reckons he wouldn’t mind shagging his stepmom. FATTY Has put on 5 kilograms since last year which he says isn’t bad since he’s only keeping up with inflation. BOGGO Worked at his mom’s boyfriend’s betting tote. He also says he has a girlfriend, but didn’t seem to know what her name was or anything else about her. He just said that ‘a girl can’t talk with her mouth full!’ Unfortunately for Boggo, nobody believed his story and Rambo threw his alarm clock out the window. SIMON Went to America and made Fatty jealous by going on for ages about how delicious Mc-Donalds burgers are. He went to Disneyland and the Grand Canyon but said Washington was freezing and boring. MAD DOG Had to go to extra maths, English and Afrikaans lessons because he failed all his exams despite being on standard grade. Apparently he’s dyslexic which according to Mad Dog means he reads words backwards like the Chinese. The Glock has said he could enter second year as long as he dropped to functional grade. VERN (RAIN MAN) It’s unclear what Vern did in the holidays. All we could get out of him was that he and his mom knitted a jersey for Roger. Rain Man said it’s Roger’s birthday on the 7th March and he’ll wear his new bright orange jersey then. Bad news is that Vern looks even crazier than last year. Our new dormitory is far brighter and less spooky than the old first year dormitory. There are no rafters and the walls are painted cream. I took a stroll around the deserted first year dorm before lights out and sat on my old window ledge for a few minutes. I then started feeling sad so I returned to the new dorm and watched Mad Dog slicing off the ear of Potato the teddy bear while Vern groaned and cried on his bed.

Luthuli dropped by to switch off the lights and say hello. With his head boy’s blazer and tie, he looked very smart and impressive. He welcomed us back and said he was thrilled that he was no longer responsible for the Crazy Eight.

I lay awake late into the night listening to Pissing Pete and thinking about the Mermaid. She left a pressed purple flower on the back page of my diary. It smells beautiful and mysterious – like her.

Date: 2015-12-17; view: 784