THE POWER OF SAYING SORRY

Saying sorry is not something that comes easily to many people. I know I couldn't for a very long time. I was too serf-righteous and arrogant to be able to apologise. I learned how to behave like this from my father, and then I met my match - a boyfriend who made me look at my own actions. Now I've learned that not only do we all make mistakes but what a magnificent gift it is to be able to admit them, and then apologise as well.

Of course, not all apologising is powerful. The British tend to say sorry too often, as a way of pleasing other people. It's glib and without any real feeling, but it's a polite formula in certain social situations. Powerful saying sorry is about real communication - it's honest and heartfelt. Traditionally, in Britain, saying sorry has been taken to mean backing down, losing the argument or being weak – I’ve certainly been guilty of thinking this in the past. But there are real signs that times are changing. 'As a society we know more about psychology,' says counsellor Paula Hall. "We are learning that saying sorry is about allowing yourself to be vulnerable, which is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. You learn from experience that saying sorry increases people's respect for you, rather than diminishing it.'

Men used to be particularly bad at saying sorry, but that is changing too. 'Men were encouraged to be committed and single-minded,' says Paula. 'But now it is seen as OK for men to change their minds, which means more of them are able to admit they were wrong and say sorry.' On the other hand, women tended to say sorry too often because they were afraid of hurting people's feelings. 'That's not the case any more either,' says Paula. 'Women are getting more confident so they are less eager to rush into the position of saying sorry when they have done nothing wrong.’

When it comes to apologising, the balance of power is also changing between parents and children too. In the past, saying sorry was a one-way street. Children said sorry and parents did not. However, a new generation of parents have re-evaluated apologising. 'We're far more willing now, as a culture, to say sorry to our children.’ confirms relationship expert Ben Renshaw. "It’s a model for them. I certainly apologise to my son. For instance, when I am too angry with him over something which doesn't merit such an outburst, I say sorry, I hope that I'm preparing the terrain for him to be able to admit his mistakes more readily than I ever did.' So it is very healthy for parents to be able to admit they get it wrong and children learn that even their parents are fallible.

Yet in some situations saying sorry, as Elton John pointed out. seems to be the hardest word. Psychotherapist Beverly Engel, who conducts apology seminars for companies, believes apology is probably the most effective means of resolving business disputes. 'A large percentage of lawsuits against businesses, employees or co-workers would not be filed if a simple apology were given. Unfortunately, many people are too proud, stubborn or too insecure to admit when they are wrong, she says. Considering how long we spend so each week with co-workers, it's not surprising to find that minor office feuds arising out of trivial matters can escalate into wars of anger and silence. But, says Engel, it would be far easier if someone upsets you, 'to ask for an apology instead of complaining to other co-workers or planning to get back at him or her. By the same token, when a co-worker apologises, be big enough to accept the apology instead of sulking.'

Unfortunately, the 1970s film Love Story is responsible for promulgating a lie about relationships and apologies. Its famous slogan is 'Love is never having to say you're sorry'. At first I took this to mean that if you love someone, you'll never hurt them, therefore, you'll never need to use the word. But I've come to realise that's not true - the ones you most love are the ones you're most likely to hurt, so this is misinformation. Love, as in enabling a loving relationship to survive, is all about being able to say sorry. In relationships, the path to a powerful apology is obvious then - when you say it you have to really mean it. That's why explaining, 'I didn't realise I'd hurt you so much when I was ...,' increases the potency of your apology. So what are you waiting for? The hardest word to say is also the most rewarding.

1 Look at these adjectives from the article. Are they used positively or negatively?

sell-righteous

vulnerable

heartfelt

glib

single-minded

powerful

proud

insecure

honest

arrogant

committed

guilty

trivial

rewarding

stubborn

fallible

Date: 2015-12-17; view: 1484