Blank Slate

Avelina

Moving above Nate, I let all of my insecurities go and just allowed myself to feel everything. He told me I was beautiful countless times. He seemed taken by me, and I by him. As the waves of emotion came crashing over me, I sat up, arched my back and let my head fall. Nate gripped my hips, pushing himself into me, deeper. Just when I thought everything would break away into tiny particles of ecstasy, he rolled me over quickly without breaking our connection and thrust himself into me two more times, much harder than we had been going before. I strained to get closer and then a second later I was crying out. Nate tensed above me as silent quakes rocked him. He shivered, feeling his own release. My body pulsed and tightened everywhere around him. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears as my vision filled with light.

The next moment of awareness I had must have been minutes later. Nate was next to me on his side, holding me as I lay on my back. His body was lower and his mouth was near my breast, his face resting on his own arm extended above him. There was a sheen of cold sweat coating our bodies but I wasn’t chilled. Still heated from the inside out, I was comfortable and sated.

There was something vulnerable about the way Nate held me as he dozed off that night. His position, below me and embracing me like a treasured gift, was so heartwarming.

Sometime later, he stirred. I awoke, looking down at him. “Why aren’t you sleeping, baby?” he said, his voice low and soothing.

“I didn’t know if you were going to take me home.”

He sat up quickly and flipped on the small light on the nightstand. “Take you home for what?” His eyes were open wide now.

“I didn’t know if you wanted me to stay.” I pulled the covers up to my neck and peered up at him. He glanced at the clock, which read 1:10 a.m., then looked back and crooked a smile. He yanked the covers back, exposing me. Without hesitation he slid toward me and pulled me tightly into his chest. His hand caressed my back. “Will you stay with me, Avelina? I want nothing more.”

“Yes.” Somehow a couple of sentences made it feel right.

“Sleep, baby.”

In the morning I snuck out of bed and tiptoed into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I looked at Nate’s things. He was very organized and tidy. His toothbrush was in a metal rack. I grabbed it then opened the drawer below the sink, searching for the toothpaste. The moment I looked up, I felt hands on my bare hips. He watched me in the mirror as I sucked in a breath through my teeth. We were both completely naked in the bright light as he pressed up behind me.

“Looking for something?”

“T-toothpaste,” I answered.

He opened the drawer to the right and handed me the tube. I looked at him in the mirror curiously, hoping he would give me a private moment. Oh. I’ll give you a moment, his look said. When he turned I couldn’t help but stare at his perfect backside; the muscles in his back were angular, narrow, and strong. He turned back quickly, almost as if he had heard my thoughts. His hands were on my hips again. I stood bolt upright. He bent and kissed my shoulder then slid his hands up my sides to cup my breasts. Pulling me hard against his body, he spoke near my ear. “I can’t get enough of you.”

I held my breath, closed my eyes, and a moment later I felt his absence, he was gone, giving me the promised moment.

I found one of his T-shirts, slipped it over my head, and made my way to the kitchen, where he handed me a steaming cup of coffee.

“How do you feel?” he asked.

“Good.”

He took the coffee from my hands and set it down before he braced my hips and lifted me up onto the counter. He stood between my legs and smiled. “Good? That’s it?”

“I feel great.”

He ran his hands up my bare thighs to the bottom of the T-shirt. He inched it up ever so slowly, staring down at the space between my legs and grinning.

“For a doctor, you seem oddly mesmerized by my anatomy,” I said.

“You have no idea.” The shirt came up just enough to expose me to him. He looked up, still grinning, and arched his eyebrows.

We spent the rest of the morning in bed.

In the afternoon, I went with Nate into town to pick out some décor and furnishings for his house. He had modest tastes, which I appreciated. On our way back from town he seemed nervous about something. He tapped his thumb on the steering wheel and flicked a glance at me a few times.

“What is it?”

“Nothing.” He shook his head.

“Tell me.”

He pulled in front of my cabin, put the car in park, and turned toward me. “I wanted to see if you would stay with me again.”

“So much for taking it slow. Don’t you have to work tomorrow?”

“Yes, but I like you in my bed. You can follow me back.”

I looked up through the window of my cabin and felt nothing. There was nothing screaming in my ear to say no to him. The only hesitation I had was that I didn’t know if I was willing to give myself over to someone so fully and so quickly. Would I always just give in to the promise of life with a man because I couldn’t find happiness on my own?

When we’re young, we want so badly to connect with others that we end up reflecting them, losing ourselves in the process. Or at least I did with Jake. I love horses, I love the rodeo, but I loved the city, too. And before I met Jake, I did well in school. Being bilingual, I felt I had skills that were wasted because the moment Jake came into my life, his brightness muted all the color I had in me. His life became my life. All of his ideas became my ideas. Did I truly know if I wanted to go to college or not? I knew what Jake wanted for me, and that was it. I didn’t want that to happen again. I wanted to figure out who I was and who I wanted to become.

“Want to go for a ride instead?” I suggested.

He turned the truck engine off. “Okay.”

We saddled up Shine and Elite. Nate would have to ride Elite because Shine was still a bit skittish for his skills.

We rode out into the pasture. “You’re riding the horse that crushed Jake.”

“I know, Red told me,” he said. His calmness shocked me.

“You knew?”

“Were you trying to test me or yourself?” His demeanor was serious. As he began to trot Elite, he looked back at me. “Are you facing your fears by putting me in danger? Was that your plan?” He kicked her hard and off they went.

My heart raced. I sped up next to him and tried to reach over and grab the reins. “Oh no, missy!” He was smiling by that time. He jerked Elite to the right and took off in the other direction. We ended up at the top of the embankment near the hot spring. I watched Nate jump off the horse confidently and tie her to a tree.

I went as fast as I could to reach him but by the time I got Shine tied up, Nate was already halfway down the hill to the hot spring, leaving a trail of clothes in his wake. He disappeared behind a rock. I walked carefully down the brush-freckled hill until suddenly he popped out of a bush and grabbed me, pulling me back so that we were hidden behind a low-hanging tree branch. He was wearing his boxers and nothing else. I tugged my shirt over my head while he quickly unbuckled my jeans.

“We’re going to get poison oak in weird places,” I said, out of breath.

“It’s a good thing I’m a doctor.” He pulled me toward the hot spring. At the edge where the clear water met the rock, he swirled his index finger around, pointing at my bra and panties. “All of it. Take it all off.”

“What if someone comes up here?”

“I’ll take my chances.” His eyes were hooded and drowsy with desire.

I looked around; there was no sign of anyone. “You first.”

He quickly kicked his boxers off and then stepped into the hot spring, watching me the whole time. I ditched my bra and panties and stepped onto a rock that we used like a stairstep into the water. He reached up, his hands on my hips to guide me. I lost all sense of shyness and just melted into his arms as I kissed his neck.

“I want to talk to you,” he said.

“Talk? Now? Okay.”

“What happened to Jake was a terrible accident. That’s not going to happen to me. You don’t have to constantly prove to yourself or God that it can’t happen again. Frankly, it scares me a little that you want to test your theory.”

I pulled away from him and looked him in the eye. “I’m not testing the theory.”

“I feel like we get close and then you pull away.”

“I’m scared, Nate.”

“What are you scared of?”

“Not being good enough.”

He jerked his head back and squinted. There was surprise but also recognition in his expression. He nodded and then pursed his lips the way he often did when he was thinking. I ran my fingers through his hair, spiking it up with the water and then I leaned in and kissed him very sweetly. I explored his mouth, jaw, and neck with my mouth while he held me tucked against his chest. We were silent as the sun set behind the hill. It seemed like nature was unrealistically quiet, almost so much that I nearly dozed off in Nate’s arms.

“I am, too,” he said finally.

“What?”

“Scared of not being good enough.”

I smiled. “Did we just have a heart-to-heart?”

He laughed.

“What’s so funny?”

“Heart-speak is particularly hilarious to a heart surgeon.”

“Why is that?”

“Well, you have to think about it, literally. Bleeding heart, aching heart, and heavy heart all mean different things to me.”

I smiled and stood up on the rock with my hand on my hip. “Eat your heart out?”

“Exactly!” He yanked on my arm and pulled me back down with a splash. “Come here, silly girl.”

Nate stayed with me that night in the cabin and I didn’t complain when he selfishly woke me up in the morning. “God, you look so beautiful,” he said as he bent over me to kiss my forehead. The shower was running and he was standing next to the bed in his boxers.

I was curled up on my side under the covers, naked. “Do you have to go soon?”

“Yes, after I shower. There are very sick people that need me.”

I squinted up at him and made a pouty face. “Okay.”

“Hmm,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. He took a step back and cocked his head to the side.

“What is it?”

“You look a little flushed. Before I get to the other patients, maybe I should examine you.”

I batted my eyelashes at him. “Well, Dr. Meyers, I am feeling a little faint. What do you think it could be?” I opened the blankets, revealing myself.

He sat down on the bed and ran his hand down my side to my hip. The morning light cast a bluish hue in the room, almost making the window and curtains look like set pieces in an old-timey photograph.

Nate’s expression made me think he really was examining me. His eyes narrowed inquisitively. He ran his big, soft hand against my belly and up between my breasts before resting over my heart.

I waited, trying to gauge his expression. Finally, his eyes rose to meet mine. He smiled adoringly, kissed the tip of one nipple, then moved to my mouth. “I think I know exactly what you need.”

“What’s that?”

“I’ll show you, but we have to get into the shower first.” He stood quickly, picked me up, and carried me into the bathroom.

Inside the shower I dropped to my knees and demonstrated my own version of health care.

“Oh,” he said. “Okay.”

Afterward, I stood so Nate could take me in his arms. His chest was heaving in and out. All he managed to say through a heavy breath was “Jesus.”

I giggled at the irony. “Yep.”

Before heading to Nate’s that night, I went to the library and researched getting my GED. I also found myself looking into nursing schools. My curiosity surprised me.

Later in the week, I trailered Shine and Tequila to Nate’s house when he had a day off. We rode near the lake and laid out a blanket for a picnic in a grassy field near one lone oak tree. The sun was extremely bright but the temperature was cooler than it had been. The big, cloudless sky stretched on for miles. We lay on our backs, me in the crook of Nate’s arm, while we let the clean air invade our senses. It was so bright that we had to close our eyes to keep from being blinded.

“How was work yesterday?” I asked.

“Good. I gave a man a pacemaker. The rest of the day was uneventful. How were your lessons?”

“I stopped doing the lessons when Dancer died.” I sighed.

“Well, are you going to start them up when Shine’s ready?”

“Maybe. Or maybe I’ll go back to school and get my GED,” I said, tentatively.

He turned on his side to face me and rested his hand on my hip comfortably while propping his other hand under his head. There was an ease between us. I felt safe with Nate.

Squinting, one side of his handsome mouth turned up, he said, “I think that’s a great idea, baby.”

He kissed me sweetly and then lay back and drifted off to sleep. I watched him and wondered idly what he was like before we met. He’d said he was a workaholic who couldn’t relax, but here he was with me, on the grass, in a field in the middle of Montana, sleeping with a smile on his face, looking more relaxed than anyone I had ever seen.

When he woke, the sun was going down and the wind was getting brisk. Through a yawn he said, “Did you sleep at all?”

“No, just daydreamed. It was such a nice day.”

He rolled toward me and nuzzled his face into my neck. “Do you like it here?” he murmured.

“Yes.”

There wasn’t another soul in sight, let alone a house or cars, just the sound of a flock of geese honking in the distance and small birds chirping nearby. I thought when the sun dropped behind a distant mountain that I heard a faint swooshing sound. Nate closed his eyes, leaned forward, and kissed me again, still gentle. With ease, he unbuttoned my jeans.

I laughed lightly. He looked into my eyes curiously and said, “What?”

“Nothing, you’re just really good at that.”

“I have stealthy hands,” he replied before snaking his hand down my pants.

“I would say so.”

“Come here, baby. I want to touch you.” He pulled me toward him so that our bodies were almost flush. The only thing between us was his hand heading south. His index finger brushed me in the most sensitive spot and I gasped.

His eyes fixed on mine again. I felt my own eyelids flutter. He began making deliberate circles in my flesh.

“Touch me.”

“I am.”

“More,” I said, desperately.

Somehow, with his other hand, he had slyly unbuttoned my blouse. He pulled my breasts above my bra, and within a second his mouth was on me, his tongue swirling around my nipple. I gripped his head to my chest and let my head fall back, letting him have all of me. His fingers dipped inside me and I felt myself tighten around him.

“I want to make love to you,” he said near my ear. “I need you, but it’s getting cold out here.” His fingers were still moving rhythmically in and out of me. “I’m going to make you come, and then I’m going to race you back to the house and fuck you.”

His thumb brushed the perfect spot, and I moaned, “Ahh,” breathy and wild before coming completely undone against him.

As I caught my breath, I quickly yanked his hand out of my jeans while he kissed his way up my chest to my neck. “How does that plan sound?” he asked.

“I thought you said ‘make love’?”

“That’s what I just did. Now I want to fuck you. Come on, get up.”

It was true, that’s what Nate could do to me with his hands—make love. There are definite benefits to dating a surgeon. But I was more than curious about what he had in mind for later. He rolled up the blanket and pulled me toward the horses. We hopped into our saddles and took off toward his house. Once inside, he pushed me against the wall and kissed me hard. This time he was urgent.

“We smell like horses.”

“I don’t care,” he growled.

He moved me toward the back of the couch, turned me around, bent me over, and peeled my jeans down my body. He ran his hand up my spine, my shirt still on, before he slipped inside of me. His body was as physically close to mine as possible. With one arm anchoring me around the waist, he fisted a hand through my hair, his breath heavy against my shoulder. He was different that time, uninhibited, moaning against my neck, which made him seem more vulnerable. The motions became fierce and intense, so much so that I wanted to cry rapturous sobs until it was over. He caught his breath, turned me around, and kissed me so gently I did finally cry then. I knew he could feel the tears on his face.

He took a step back and scanned me, his eyelids still heavy. “Why are you crying?”

I knew he knew why. It was because the intensity was so strong I couldn’t help it. I just smiled weakly and shook my head.

“I know,” he said before leaning down and kissing me again.

In the shower we were quiet and gentle with each other, cherishing every moment and every touch. Every time I glanced up to look into Nate’s eyes, he simply kissed me. I wondered if these moments would be what we remembered as happy times. If you take away the births, the deaths, the weddings, the achievements, the regrets, and everything else that makes up the circus that is our lives, what’s left, and maybe most often overlooked, are the moments when two bodies, made for each other, come together and make sense out of this whole mysterious shitstorm we call life.

We ask ourselves why we’re here, what’s the meaning of all of this? What keeps the planet spinning, only slightly skewed on its axis, in some cosmic ocean of nothingness? Who’s up there, jerking us around on strings like marionettes? Why did I have to go through tragedy first? Was it so that my performance would be authentic when the time came for happiness? When nothing made sense, and for me there were many years in which nothing made sense, I learned to simplify my analysis of life. At that particular moment, I learned to say, I’m in the shower with a hot, naked doctor who is rubbing my ass; get over it!

Later in bed, my leg draped over his and my head resting on his chest, I looked up to see his eyes closed, though he was still smiling. “How do you feel, Dr. Meyers?”

“Like I never want to move from this spot. Let’s stay here forever.”

“Forever is only now. Let’s enjoy it and not think about tomorrow.” The moment the words came out of my mouth, I finally understood what Jake had meant all those times he’d said it. I closed my eyes and drifted off, peaceful and sated.

In the morning, when Nate got out of bed, he stood over me and smiled, his eyes still half closed and his grin boyish and charming. His hair stood on end in every possible direction. I got up on my knees, still naked, and rested my elbows on his shoulders, our bare chests pressed together. I messed his hair up even more.

“Morning.”

“Mmm, you feel good,” I said.

“When your heart’s against my chest, I feel like I’m alive.”

My throat ached with emotion. For some reason, the way he said it made it seem like such a raw admission, almost heavier than I love you.

“Me too.”

“Never leave,” he whispered.

Why would I?

CHAPTER 20

Date: 2014-12-29; view: 656