Forever Is Only Now

Avelina

I remembered when Jake told me that forever is only now. I remembered the smoothness of his voice when he said it, as if he’d memorized it from the Bible. I sat on my porch swing, looking up at the sky, thinking that Jake was the brightest star up there, so far away but shining and powerful. He would shine like that for as long as I was living because when a sun as bright as Jake burns out, it takes a hundred years for its star to fade. Forever is only now; there’s no measure of time when it comes to love. I knew Jake would be up there in the sky for all of my life, and I promised myself that after I left this earth I would stand before God and say with pride that I loved Jacob Brian McCrea with all my heart and soul. But Jake wasn’t with me on earth anymore. When he pulled the trigger his forever ended, not mine.

That night, I had gone inside and called Nate. I had believed that I was finally ready to take my forever back. I’d even rehearsed what I was going to say. I know you’re not trying to fix me, but you’re the one who makes me better. But I hadn’t gotten a chance to say those words. He’d been with a woman, it’d been late, and he’d sounded put out. I wondered if he and the woman laughed at me when I hung up. I wondered how I could be so naïve.

Taking my dead husband’s advice turned out to be a bad idea. I went back outside, holding the whiskey bottle to the sky and screamed, “Fuck you, Jake McCrea! Fuck you!”

CHAPTER 14

Drops Between Us

Nathanial

On the road in my father’s Ford, I had plenty of time to think about how I had just left my world behind for a woman who likely didn’t want me. My parents were going to rent my condo out, and Gogo happily went to live with Frankie.

I stopped only twice: once to eat and buy food for the road and once to call Ava. She didn’t answer. I dialed Bea.

“Hello, darlin’. What a nice surprise.”

“How is Ava?”

“She’s okay, and I’m okay, too, thanks for asking.”

“I’m sorry, I’m glad you’re okay. Listen, I’m on the road headed out there. I quit the hospital.”

There was silence on the other end for several moments. “What kind of foolishness are you speaking?”

“You know I care about her. I can’t stop thinking about her and I want to be there for her.”

“What will you do?”

“I need to find a place in Missoula, I think I have a job lined up. I’ll be at the ranch by tomorrow.”

“I wish you’d told me ahead of time. We’re leavin’, Nate. All of us.”

I froze. “What?”

“We’re going to Bozeman for the rodeo. We’ll be there for two days.”

“You’re taking Ava?”

“Of course.”

“Is this the rodeo where she saw the guy that reminded her of . . . ,” my voice trailed off.

“That’s the one, but you don’t have to worry. Ava seemed to be pretty darn into you, and we’ll tell her you’ll be there when she gets back.”

“I don’t think you understand, I—”

“Head to Missoula and get your job straightened out. We’ll be back early Monday.”

“Bea, I need to see her. I haven’t slept in two days. Will you ask her to wait? I’ll drive her to Bozeman myself.”

I heard her let out a breath. “Why are we having this conversation? Ava has a phone, why don’t you call her?”

“She won’t take my calls.”

“Hmm? Why’s that?”

“I’ve tried calling her, she just won’t answer.”

“Now that you mention it, I haven’t seen her since yesterday morning.” The panic in her voice started to rise.

“Jesus, can you go check on her, please!”

“I’ll call you right back.”

When she hung up, I immediately pulled onto the road. I thought I was somewhere in Nevada but I wasn’t sure anymore. The yellow dashes in the middle of the road began to blur together in a solid line. I watched the line like it was leading me to her. Bea called back a few minutes later.

“She’s okay but she doesn’t want to see you, and I know Ava well enough that I can tell nothing will change her mind.”

“Please tell her I wasn’t with another woman. I was just having dinner with a colleague. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I imagine calling you was the bravest thing Avelina has done in a long time.”

“You have to talk to her, please.”

“Head to Missoula and get some sleep before you kill someone on the road or yourself. We’ll be back Monday.”

After we hung up, I pulled off the highway and found a motel. The room stunk of cigarettes and the shower was caked in mildew. I pulled the brown and maroon paisley comforter off, threw it on the floor, and doused my hands in sanitizer. I slept on top of towels I laid across the sheets. In the morning I grabbed a stale doughnut and weak coffee from the free continental breakfast in the lobby and headed out to my truck, where I discovered my bike had been stolen from the back. In my sleep-deprived state the night before, I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of my bike being stolen. I slumped into the driver’s seat and finished my disgusting doughnut.

Still in the motel parking lot, I shaved with an electric shaver using the side mirror of the truck. After one half of my face was shaved, the batteries died. There are just certain times in life when every fucking thing we do seems so arbitrary. Why in the world did I shave my face to begin with? I drove to a drugstore and got more batteries and a lot of weird looks from shoppers.

At checkout, the gum-popping, teenage female clerk smirked at me. I decided to let humor prevail. “Do you like this look?” I smiled and pointed to my face.

“That’s dope.”

“Thanks, dawg.”

“Peace out,” she said, and I walked out.

I didn’t turn around but I held up a peace sign and said, “Word.”

I made it to Missoula late Saturday evening and found a hotel. On the road I had called the hospital and set up a time to meet with the chief the next day. He essentially offered me a great position over the phone. Everything was falling into place. I found a local newspaper and started searching for a permanent dwelling, somewhere between the hospital and the ranch.

That night in the darkness and quiet loneliness of my hotel room, I thought back to being in Ava’s bed, holding her close to me, the way her hair smelled of lilac and cinnamon, and how her skin was so smooth and warm under my fingertips. I fell asleep to the sound of irregular raindrops pattering against the storm drain outside the window and the vision of Ava’s body in my arms.

In the morning I went for a run, checked out a few houses for rent, and got ready to meet the chief at the hospital. When I got there, they gave me a tour, showing me their state-of-the-art institute. I was surprised by how cutting edge the facility was. The chief of surgery was well aware of the work that I had done, likely due to what my father had told him. He questioned my reasons for moving to Montana twice throughout our conversation, and both times I gave him the same answer.

“I love it. It’s God’s country.”

He laughed a little reluctantly the second time. “It’s a big change from Los Angeles.”

“I need a change, and I have family here.”

“Ah. Well, the job is yours if you want it. We can bring you in on the full rotation in two weeks. Until then we’ll get you into an office so you can start getting some work done.”

His secretary showed me to an empty office. I had a small box of paperwork and a few things that I had brought from the hospital in L.A. I made my way around the hospital, introducing myself to the rest of the staff. It was a Sunday so it was relatively quiet. I met some nurses, who whispered and giggled like teenage girls when I walked away. In the afternoon I headed out to look at more houses for rent. I found a place that was perfect, a small place near a lake about an hour from the hospital and an hour from the ranch in the opposite direction.

A young man who was fully gray on top but couldn’t have been more than twenty-five showed me through the house.

“I saw a corral and shed down on the property. Can I have horses here?”

“Yep.” He stood near the door and eyed me as I examined the inside of the kitchen cabinets.

“How many square feet is this place?” There were two bedrooms at the end of a short hall. One full bathroom in the larger room and a half bath in the hall. The kitchen had a large porcelain farm-style sink, yellow wooden cupboards, and white tiles on the counters.

“Twelve hundred square feet and some change,” he said. “There’s a washer and dryer in the garage and the well water is free. There’s no trash service or cable out this way so you’ll have to dump your own trash at the landfill twenty miles down the road.”

“Fine,” I said. “How much?”

“Eleven hundred a month, first and last month’s deposit.”

“I’ll take it.” I made more than that most days but I wasn’t going to move to Montana and scare Ava away by flashing money at her. “When can I move in?”

“Write me a check and I’ll give you the keys.”

I love you, Montana. “Done.” I wrote him a check, and just like that I had a place.

I went into town and bought a bed and some bare necessities to make my new house livable. Driving back, I listened to The National until the song “I Need My Girl” came on. I changed it quickly, feeling nauseous. What was happening to me?

CHAPTER 15

Date: 2014-12-29; view: 886