Here or There

Nathanial

Staring at an email from my father on behalf of the hospital, I found myself reading the same line over and over again while I thought about Ava, her skin and her eyes and the way she pressed herself against me in the sweetest way. The sounds she made against my ear as I kissed her neck.

I was being sued, my career was on the line, and all I could think about was Ava. I called my father.

“Hey son. How are you?”

“I’m great!” I said enthusiastically.

“Whoa, I didn’t expect that.”

“I’m enjoying my time out here. It’s beautiful.”

“That’s good to hear. You’ll need to come back in a week or so when the investigation is final. I know you’ve never gone through this before but it’s nothing to worry about. You’ll sit in front of the board and basically reiterate your statement.”

“Have you heard anything about the autopsy?”

“No, that will be included in the information presented to the board. You know her parents insisted on it and they have a lawyer?”

“Yes, I know, I’m reading all of that lovely news now. There’s nothing I can do about it.”

“This has happened to me several times, Nate. You’ll get used to it. When family members lose a loved one they need a reason, and usually they blame the doctor.”

“But I did miss something in her chart and ECG.”

“There’s no way of knowing if she would have lived or died even if you’d seen that blip. The important thing to remember is that the procedure you were attempting saves lives, and whatever happened on that table was not as a result of anything you did.”

“But I didn’t catch it in time.”

“Stop blaming yourself. I sent you out there to get away from all of this for a while and gain some perspective.”

“You’re right. It’s just that when I think about it, it makes me sick. I’ll just have to wait and see what’s decided. Hey, Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Why don’t we ever come out here anymore?”

“Well, life has been busy, Nate.”

“I actually feel alive out here when I’m not thinking about the investigation.” I wanted to tell him that I’d met someone but I didn’t want to marginalize the investigation into Lizzy’s death. It was the first time I wished I hadn’t taken a job alongside my father. It made it impossible for us to have a father/son relationship.

“Is Dale keeping you busy?”

“Yes, I helped deliver a foal this morning.”

“That’s great, son.”

“I might look into a transfer. There’s a heart hospital in Missoula.”

“I’m familiar. Why would you want to practice there?”

I cleared my throat. “I don’t know, I was just thinking.” There were several moments of awkward silence. “I’ll see you soon, Dad.”

“Okay, son.”

From my bedroom window I watched the sun heading down toward the highest peak of the mountains in the distance. I could smell garlic and onions from Bea’s stew wafting through the house. I left my room and found Ava leaning against the wall in the dark hallway. I gazed at her. Her long hair was down in loose curls over her shoulders. She was wearing a floral cotton dress with red cowboy boots. Her skin was glistening and her lips were tinged a shade pinker.

“You look stunning.”

In a slow, shy voice, she said, “I saddled up the horses. If you wanted to go now . . . for that swim?”

“I thought you had a lesson?”

“I canceled it.” Her bottom lip quivered.

When I smiled, she relaxed; my day was getting better and better. “Isn’t it a little late and cold?”

“I know where there’s a hot spring.”

“Oh.” Maybe she did send mixed signals. I knew she was trying to work it all out in her head. I made a promise to myself that no matter what she did, I wouldn’t take advantage of her. In my mind, the dress, the cowboy boots, and the lip gloss were just signs that Ava was trying to find the girl lost inside somewhere. She was trying to be social, and as it stood I was her only friend—a guy she had only known for a couple weeks.

“Ready?”

“Are you going to ride in that?” I asked.

“It’s not that far.”

I followed on another horse as Ava rode Dancer at a full gallop through a meadow of short grass that stretched half a mile or so behind the ranch house. Her dress flew up around the tops of her smooth, sun-tanned thighs as her hair floated behind her in silky, chocolate waves. She rode with such ease and grace, it was hard to take my eyes off of her. Sitting atop a black-spotted white horse in her floral dress and almost black hair, Ava looked like a painting in motion. Some artist, some god I hadn’t believed in before, was proving his existence to me. I could smell her in the air like wildflowers.

I rode up next to her and shouted over the wind, “You’re beautiful!”

She giggled and then tapped Dancer with her heels and took off. I tried to keep up beside her. After wrapping the reins around the horn, she let go and threw her head back and her arms out, palms facing outward, feeling the world rush toward her. How freeing, I thought. Her body was open toward the sky in a seraphic gesture. I watched her in awe until the horses naturally slowed as we came to the end of the grassy field.

“That felt good,” she said. “The hot spring is here. We’ll let the horses graze.”

She jumped down. I followed her to the rocky edge of a very small cliff. We climbed down a few feet and before I could see any water I could smell the sulfur. We went down a short bit farther until we saw a clear-blue pool of naturally steaming water.

“How hot is it?”

“It’s perfect,” she said as she removed her boots and set them on a rock. I did the same and then took my shirt off. We were standing on opposite sides of the small pool. She looked me up and down and then reached for the hem of her dress and pulled it over her head. I swallowed hard, expecting to see a swimsuit, but I was wrong. She stood in a white lacy camisole and matching panties, which might have actually covered more than the typical swimsuits I was used to seeing on the beaches of L.A., but this was much sexier and delicate.

Without her usual shyness, she made her way into the hot spring. “Ah, this feels good.”

I removed my jeans and got in wearing only boxer briefs. She watched me intently as I maneuvered over the rocks and into the water.

“Do you run?”

“Yes.”

“I thought so,” she said.

“Why?”

“Because you’re muscular but not bulky.”

“Oh.” I wanted to compliment her but found myself tongue-tied because there were so many things I could say. “You’re . . . very um . . . fit.”

She laughed. “Thank you . . . I think.”

“No, you have a fantastic body, and I see a lot of bodies,” I blurted.

“Oh?”

Nervously, I began to stammer again. What was happening to me? “I . . . I’m a doctor.”

“Yes, I know.”

“That’s why I’ve seen a lot of bodies.”

“Oh, okay,” she said. Her smile was sympathetic.

A sound came from the bushes and suddenly a man and a woman appeared carrying two towels. I splashed across the hot spring to cover Ava with my body.

“Oh, excuse us,” the woman said. “No one’s ever up here.”

I heard Ava laughing quietly against the back of my neck. When I turned to face her we were mere inches apart. “You think this is funny?”

She shrugged, still smiling. “Ask them if they want to join us.”

“Really?”

“Why not, it’s big enough.”

I turned back to the couple still hovering over us. “You’re welcome to join us if you’d like.”

“Thought you’d never ask,” the man said instantly. He quickly pulled off his jeans and shirt and was in the water in his tighty-whities within seconds.

“You don’t have to cover me, this looks like a swimsuit,” Ava said in my ear.

I looked back at her and opened my eyes wide. “That does not look like a swimsuit.”

She pushed me away gently. “It’s okay,” she said.

“I’m Jimmy and that’s my wife, Brenda.” Brenda was stripping down to her bra and underwear. The scene playing out in front of me was shocking, if not mortifying, and every time I looked at Ava she seemed amused.

“Nice to meet you Jimmy, Brenda.” I waved to her without letting my eyes glance at her stark-white body as she entered the hot spring. “I’m . . .”

“This is Tom and I’m Darlene,” Ava blurted out.

What the hell?

“You two live around here?” Jimmy asked.

“Yes, just down the road,” I answered ambiguously because I wasn’t sure why Ava gave him fake names.

“Yeah, us too. Brenda and me, we live over past R&W Ranch. We work together at Smith’s Food and Drug. You two ever go there?”

“Oh yeah,” Ava said. “All the time.”

“Y’all got kids?” Brenda asked. She was fully submerged so I could finally make eye contact with her. The couple looked to be in their thirties. Brenda was slightly overweight with dishwater blond hair and small, plain features. Jimmy was completely bald but had a youthful face.

“Yes, we have five. All boys,” Ava said.

I looked at Ava, shocked. She blew a kiss to me like we’d been married for decades. “Yes, that’s right, five boys,” I said, hesitantly. “What about you two?”

“Just one little girl. We’re trying for a boy. That’s why Gramma has little Emmy tonight.” She waggled her eyebrows at Jimmy and the situation became even more uncomfortable, although I don’t think Ava cared; she was getting a kick out of making up a new life story. I was bummed that I wasn’t alone with her, even though Jimmy and Brenda’s presence eliminated temptation. I don’t think I would’ve been able to restrain myself. Ava had wrapped her long hair into a messy bun on the top of her head and her skin was shiny and flushed. I had to keep my mind off of how see-through her camisole was.

“What do you two do for work?” Jimmy asked.

“I’m a writer and he’s a rodeo clown,” Ava said, pointing to me.

I laughed out loud.

Jimmy eyed me. “You don’t look like a rodeo clown. Most of them are scarred up pretty good in the face.”

“I’m really good at what I do,” I deadpanned.

“And Darlene, what kind of things do you write, sweetie?” Brenda asked.

“Fortune cookies. Well, I don’t write the cookies, I write the fortunes.”

“You’re kidding! That’s somethin’ else,” Jimmy said. “Why don’t you share one with us?”

At that point I was dying of laughter inside but trying to play along. It was getting harder and harder to contain myself as Ava kept dishing out the details of our fake life.

“Okay, here’s one. You will find many shiny gifts if you look within. 6, 32, 45, 19, 23, 12.”

“That’s fantastic!” Brenda blurted out.

“Numbers and everything,” I whispered in Ava’s ear. She shrugged one shoulder and batted her eyelashes with pride.

“Jimmy, how did you and Brenda meet?”

“I’ll tell this story, Jimmy. We grew up in Kentucky, went to the same high school and everything, and never knew each other. That’s cause Jimmy’s ten years older than me.” I never would have guessed that but I didn’t say that out loud. Ava and I nodded, encouraging Brenda to continue. “Well, I was workin’ at the Piggly Wiggly and Jimmy here came in one day while I was stocking the shelves. He asked where he could find the best bottle of wine. I showed him to the aisle and then he asked me to pick out my favorite. I didn’t know anything about wine so I picked out the one with the prettiest label and handed it to him. Before I left for work that night, my manager handed me a bag and said that a customer had left it for me. It was the wine and a little note from Jimmy. The note said, ‘If you want to share your wine, give me a call’ with his phone number.”

“So you called him?” I asked.

“Oh hell no! I let him keep comin’. Each week he’d do the same thing. He’d say, ‘Excuse me ma’am, can you show me to your best wines?’ and I would, and then he would leave the bottle for me with the same note. By the end of that summer, I had the finest taste for wine; I knew exactly which bottles to point out. One night he came in with the same routine except that he didn’t leave the bottle. It was my favorite and he knew it, too. Instead, he waited for me to finish my shift. When I walked out, he was leaning against his shiny white Camaro holding the bottle but he didn’t say nothin’ to me. I got in my car and pulled up next to him, rolled down the window, and said, ‘Hey, you want to share?’ He said, ‘Nope, I think I’ll keep this all for myself.’ ”

Ava started laughing. “I like your style, Jimmy,” she said.

That must be the key, letting her think she has control and then taking it back. Oh god, why am I obsessed with figuring this girl out?

Brenda went on. “So the next time I saw Jimmy in the Piggly Wiggly, I offered to make him dinner, wine included. He came over that night and never left.”

“Yep, true story,” Jimmy said. “I went from taking off her shirt to livin’ in her apartment within hours.”

“Ha! That is a . . . very nice . . . um, sweet story,” I said.

Ava looked peaceful and relaxed. I didn’t want to drag her out of the hot spring but it was getting late and I was afraid she would get cold on the way back.

“We should get going,” I said quietly to her.

Her head rested against the rocks and her eyes were barely open. “Hmm?”

“I’m worried you’ll get cold riding all the way back, sopping wet.”

“That’s nice of you to worry about me,” she said in a relaxed voice.

“So, should we say goodbye?”

“Okay.” She climbed out slowly. The sun had gone down but there was still enough light in the sky to see every inch of Ava in her white-colored, see-through camisole and panties. Jimmy scanned her from head to toe. I scowled at him and then climbed out and wrapped my arm around her.

“Goodbye,” I called back as we climbed up the tiny cliff.

“Goodbye, nice meeting you, Tom and Darlene,” Brenda called out.

When we got to the top, Ava slipped her dress over her head and shivered. “I’m freezing. I have a blanket if you want to ride with me. We can pony Tequila back.”

I wasn’t sure what she was asking. She handed me the rolled-up blanket and then climbed up into the saddle on Dancer’s back. I quickly put my jeans, shirt, and shoes on then looked up at her. She leaned down and tied Tequila’s reins to Dancer’s saddle. “Well, are you gonna get up here and keep me warm or what?”

“Oh.” I climbed up into the saddle behind her. She scooted forward for me to slide in and then sat back. Her tiny ass was right against my crotch. Oh fuck, don’t get hard. I wrapped the blanket around both of us and with one hand pulled her toward me so her back was flush against my chest. I reached around her waist and took the reins without argument from her.

Pulling the blanket tight around our shoulders, she leaned her head back to rest just below my chin. I made a clicking sound and Dancer started to move forward, towing Tequila behind us. I didn’t know if I should speak; if I brought Ava back to reality, maybe she would freak out. She was tucked against me so nicely inside our little blanket cocoon. Dancer walked slowly and I didn’t encourage her to go any faster.

“You’re getting the hang of this, cowboy,” she said in a lazy voice.

Doctor cowboy?

“Do you love it here?” I wondered if Ava ever wanted to leave.

“It’s hard to tell now but I know I loved it here before. Look around and take a deep breath. It’s beautiful. Why would anyone want to live anywhere else?”

“Do you plan to stay here forever?” Though I had only known her a couple of weeks, I wanted to take her away from it all back to L.A.

She didn’t answer; she just shrugged. After a few moments, she said, “Nate?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know that I don’t even have a high school diploma?”

Some distant memory surfaced of my mother reminding me that degrees were much easier to strip away than integrity. “That doesn’t matter, Ava. Have you thought about getting your GED?”

“What for?”

I couldn’t answer the question. There was a part of me that wanted to suggest that it would be helpful in the future, but honestly I couldn’t think of why unless she wanted to find a different kind of job.

Leaning down, I kissed her shoulder. She shivered but didn’t object or respond. “Ava, if you ever want to get your GED I can help you study, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks.” Her tone was inscrutable. “What was it like growing up in the city?”

“I didn’t really. You know how spread out L.A. is. We lived in a rural part of the county on a big piece of property for much of my childhood, so I grew up with land. I even did 4-H.”

“What did you have to do for 4-H?”

“I had to raise a pig. Worst experience of my life.” I felt her laughter vibrate against my chest.

“Why do you say that?”

“I loved that pig. Wonka. He happily followed me around the property and we used to take naps together—I’d sleep on his big belly. He was my buddy. And then there was the auction.”

“You had to sell him to slaughter, right?”

I put my hand over my aching heart. “The worst part was that my next-door neighbors bought him and their son, little Johnny Shithead, would come to school every day and say, ‘Hey, Nate, guess what? I had bacon again for breakfast. Ha ha.’ That little fucker. I wanted to poke his eyes out with my mechanical pencil.”

She laughed again and then put her hand over mine and squeezed. I leaned in and kissed her right behind her ear. She shivered so I pulled her tighter against me. I couldn’t get close enough to her.

CHAPTER 9

Date: 2014-12-29; view: 797