Chapter 9

How to Avoid Arguments

One of the most difficult challenges in our loving relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often when couples disagree their discussions can turn into arguments and then without much warning into battles. Suddenly they stop talking in a loving manner and automatically begin hurting each other: blaming, complaining, accusing, demanding, resenting, and doubting. Men and women arguing in this way hurt not only their feelings but also their relationship. Just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element, because the closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be bruised. For all practical purposes I strongly recommend that couples not argue. When two people are not emotionally involved it is a lot easier to remain detached and objective while arguing or debating. But when couples argue who are emotionally involved, they easily take things too personally. As a basic guideline: never argue. Instead discuss the pros and cons of something. Negotiate for what you want but don't argue. It is possible to be honest, open, and even express negative feelings without arguing or fighting. Some couples fight all the time, and gradually their love dies. On the other extreme, some couples suppress their honest feelings in order to avoid conflict and not argue. As a result of suppressing their true feelings they lose touch with their loving feelings as well. One couple is having a war while the other is having a cold war. It is best for a couple to find a balance between these two extremes. By remembering we are from different planets and thus developing good communication skills, it is possible to avoid arguments without suppressing negative feelings and conflicting ideas and desires.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARGUE

Without understanding how men and women are different it is very easy to get into arguments that hurt not only our partner but also ourselves. The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. The differences and disagreements don't hurt as much as the ways in which we communicate them. Ideally an argument does not have to be hurtful; instead it can simply be an engaging conversation that expresses our differences and disagreements. Inevitably all couples will have differences and disagree at times. But practically speaking most couples start out arguing about one thing, and within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing. Unknowingly they begin hurting each other; what could have been an innocent argument, easily resolved with mutual understanding and an acceptance of differences, escalates into a battle. They refuse to accept or understand the content of their partner's point of view because of the way they are being approached. Resolving an argument requires extending or stretching our point-of view to include and integrate another point of view. To make this stretch we need to feel appreciated and respected. If our partner's attitude is unloving, our self-esteem can actually be wounded by taking on their point of view. The more intimate we are with someone, the more difficult it is objectively to hear their point of view without reacting to their negative feelings. To protect ourselves from feeling worthy of their disrespect or disapproval automatic defenses come up to resist their point of view. Even if we agree with their point of view, we may stubbornly persist in arguing with them.

WHY ARGUMENTS HURT

It is not what we say that hurts but how we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner. At such times, a simple disagreement may sound like an attack to a woman; a request turns into an order. Naturally a woman feels resistant to this unloving approach, even when she would be otherwise receptive to the content of what he was saying.

A man unknowingly hurts his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner and then goes on to explain why she should not be upset. He mistakenly assumes she is resisting the content of his point of view, when really his unloving delivery is what upsets her. Because he does not understand her reaction, he focuses more on explaining the merit of what he is saying instead of correcting the way he is saying it. He has no idea that he is starting an argument; he thinks she is arguing with him. He defends his point of view while she defends herself from his sharpened expressions, which are hurtful to her. When a man neglects to honor a woman's hurt feelings he invalidates them and increases her hurt. It is hard for him to understand her hurt because he is not as vulnerable to uncaring comments and tones. Consequently, a man may not even realize how much he is hurting his partner and thus provoking her resistance.

Similarly, women don't realize how they are hurtful to men. Unlike a man, when a woman feels challenged the tone of her speech automatically becomes increasingly mistrusting and rejecting. This kind of rejection is more hurtful to a man, especially when he is emotionally involved. Women start and escalate arguments by first sharing negative feelings about their partner's behavior and then by giving unsolicited advice. When a women neglects to buffer her negative feelings with messages of trust and acceptance, a man responds negatively, leaving the woman confused. Again she is unaware of how hurtful her mistrust is to him.

To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud. Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an argument. Stop talking and take a time-out. Reflect on how you are approaching your partner. Try to understand how you are not giving them what they need. Then, after some time has passed, come back and talk again but in a loving and respectful way. Time-outs allow us to cool off, heal our wounds, and center ourselves before trying to communicate again.

THE FOUR ' Fs ' FOR AVOIDING HURT

There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments. They are the four ' Fs ' : Fight, Flight, Fake, and Fold. Each of these stances offers a short-term gain, but in the long run they are all counterproductive. Let's explore each of these positions.

1. Fight: This stance definitely comes from Mars. When a conversation becomes unloving and unsupportive some individuals instinctively begin to fight. They immediately move into an offensive stance. Their motto is "the best defense is a strong offense." They strike out by blaming, judging, criticizing, and making their partner look wrong. They tend to start yelling and express lots of anger. Their inner motive is to intimidate their partner into loving and supporting them. When their partner backs down, they assume they have won, but in truth they have lost. Intimidation always weakens trust in a relationship. To muscle your way into getting what you want by making others look wrong is a sure way to fall in a relationship. When couples fight they gradually lose their ability to be open and vulnerable. Women close up to protect themselves and men shut down and stop caring as much. Gradually they lose whatever intimacy they had in the beginning. 2. Flight: This stance also come from Mars. To avoid confrontation Martians may retire into their caves and never come out. This is like a cold war. They refuse to talk and nothing gets resolved. This passive aggressive behavior is not the same as taking a time-out and then coming back to talk and resolve things in a more loving fashion. These Martians are afraid of confrontation and would rather avoid talking about any topics that may cause an argument. They walk on eggshells in a relationship. Women commonly complain they have to walk on eggshells, but men do also. It is so ingrained in men that they don't even realize how much they do it. Rather than arguing, some couples will simply stop talking about their disagreements. Their way of trying to get what they want is to punish their partner by withholding love. They do not come out and directly hurt their partners, like the fighters. Instead they indirectly hurt them by slowly depriving them of the love they deserve. By withholding love our partners are sure to have less to give us. The short-term gain is peace and harmony, but if issues are not being talked about and feelings are not being heard then resent merits will build. In the long run, they lose touch with the passionate and loving feelings that drew them together. They generally use overworking, overeating, or other addictions as a way to numb their unresolved painful feelings.

3. Fake: This stance comes from Venus. To avoid being hurt in a confrontation this person pretends that there is no problem. She puts a smile on her face and appears to be very agreeable and happy with everything. Over time, however, these women become increasingly resentful; they are always giving to their partner but they do not get what they need in return. This resentment blocks the natural expression of love. They are afraid to be honest about their feelings, so they try to make everything "all right, OK, and fine." Men commonly use these phrases, but for them they mean something completely different. He means "It is OK because I am dealing with it alone" or "It's all right because I know what to do" or "It's fine because I am handling it, and I don't need any help." Unlike a man, when a woman uses these phrases it may be a sign that she is trying to avoid a conflict or argument. To avoid making waves, a woman may even fool herself and believe that everything is OK, fine, and all right when it really isn't. She sacrifices or denies her wants, feelings, and needs to avoid the possibility of conflict.

4. Fold: This stance also comes from Venus. Rather than argue this person gives in. They will take the blame and assume responsibility for whatever is upsetting their partner. In the short run they create what looks like a very loving and supportive relationship, but they end up losing themselves. A man once complained to me about his wife. He said, "I love her so much. She gives me everything I want. My only complaint is she is not happy." His wife had spent twenty years denying herself for her husband. They never fought, and if you asked her about her relationship she would say "We have a great relationship. My husband is so loving. Our only problem is me. I am depressed and I don't know why." She is depressed because she has denied herself by being agreeable for twenty years. To please their partners these people intuitively sense their partners' desires and then mold themselves in order to please. Eventually they resent having to give up themselves for love. Any form of rejection is very painful because they are already rejecting themselves so much. They seek to avoid rejection at all costs and want to be loved by all. In this process they literally give up who they are.

You may have found yourself in one of these four Fs or in many of them. People commonly move from one to the other. In each of the above four strategies our intention is to protect ourselves from being hurt. Unfortunately, it does not work. What works is to identify arguments and stop. Take a time-out to cool off and then come back and talk again. Practice communicating with increased understanding and respect for the opposite sex and you will gradually learn to avoid arguments and fights.

WHY WE ARGUE

Men and women commonly argue about money, sex, decisions, scheduling, values, child rearing, and household responsibilities. These discussions and negotiations, however, turn into painful arguments for only one reason; we are not feeling loved. Emotional pain comes from not feeling loved, and when a person is feeling emotional pain it is hard to be loving. Because women are not from Mars, they do not instinctively realize what a man needs in order to deal successfully with disagree merits. Conflicting ideas, feelings, and desires are a difficult challenge for a man. The closer he is to a woman, the harder it is to deal with differences and disagreements. When she doesn't like something he has done, he tends to take it very personally and feels she doesn't like him. A man can handle differences and disagreements best when his emotional needs are being fulfilled. When he is deprived of the love he needs , however, he becomes defensive and his dark side begins to emerge; instinctively he draws his sword. On the surface he may seem to be arguing about the issue (money, responsibilities, and so forth), but the real reason he has drawn his sword is he doesn't feel loved. When a man argues about money, scheduling, children, or any other issue, secretly he may be arguing for some of the following reasons:

THE SECRET REASONS MEN ARGUE

Though all these painful feelings and needs are valid, they are generally not dealt with and communicated directly. Instead they build up inside and come bursting up during an argument. Sometimes they are directly addressed, but usually they come up and are expressed through facial expression, body posture, and tone of voice. Men and women need to understand and cooperate with their particular sensitivities and not resent them. You will be addressing the true problem by trying to communicate in a way that respect your partner's emotional needs. Arguments can then truly become mutually supportive conversations necessary to resolve and negotiate differences and disagreements.

THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT

A hurtful argument usually has a basic anatomy. Maybe you can relate to the following example.

My wife and I went on a beautiful walk and picnic. After eating, everything seemed fine until I started talking about possible investments. Suddenly she became upset that I would consider investing a certain portion of our savings in aggressive stocks. From my point of view I was only considering it, but what she heard was that I was planning it ( without even considering her point of view ). She became upset that I would do such a thing. I became upset with her for being upset with me, and we had an argument. I thought she disapproved of my investment choices and argued for their validity. My argument however was fueled by my anger that she was upset with me. She argued that aggressive stocks were too risky. But really she was upset that I would consider this investment without exploring her ideas on the subject. In addition she was upset that I was not respecting her right to be upset. Eventually I became so upset that she apologized to me for misunderstanding and mistrusting me and we cooled down. Later on, after we had made up, she posed this question. She said, "Many times when we argue, it seems that I get upset about something, and then you get upset that I am upset, and then I have to apologize for upsetting you. Somehow I think something is missing. Sometimes I would like you to tell me you are sorry for upsetting me."

Immediately I saw the logic of her point of view. Expecting an apology from her did seem rather unfair, especially when I upset her first. This new insight transformed our relationship. As I shared this experience in my seminars I discovered that thousands of women could immediately identify with my wife's experience. It was another common male/female pattern. Let's review the basic pattern:

1. A woman expresses her upset feelings about "XYZ"

2. A man explains why she shouldn't be upset about "XYZ."

3. She feels invalidated and becomes more upset. (She is now more upset about being invalidated than about "XYW.")

4. He feels her disapproval and becomes upset. He blames her for upsetting him and expects an apology before making up.

5. She apologizes and wonders what happened, or she becomes more upset and the argument escalates into a battle.

With a clearer awareness of the anatomy of an argument, I was able to solve this problem in a fairer way. Remembering that women are from Venus, I Practiced not blaming her for being upset. Instead I would seek to understand how I had upset her and show her that I cared. Even if she was misunderstanding me, if she felt hurt by me I needed to let her know that I cared and was sorry. When she would become upset I learned first to listen, then genuinely to try to understand what she was upset about, and then to say. "I'm sorry that I upset you when I said .....". The result was immediate. We argued much less.

Sometimes, however, apologizing is very difficult. At those times I take a deep breath and say nothing. Inside I try to imagine how she feels and discover the reasons from her point of view. Then I say, "I'm sorry you feel so upset." Although this is not an apology it does say "I care" and that seems to help a lot. Men rarely say "I'm sorry" because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing. Women, however. say I'm sorry" as a way to say "I care about what you are feeling. It doesn't mean they are apologizing for doing something wrong. The men reading this who rarely say "I am sorry" can create wonders by learning to use this aspect of the Venusian language. The easiest way to derail an argument is to say "I'm sorry." Most arguments escalate when a man begins to invalidate a woman's feelings and she responds to him disapprovingly. Being a man, I've had to learn to practice validating. My wife practiced expressing her feelings more directly without disapproving of me. The result was fewer fights and more love and trust. Without having this new awareness we probably would still be having the same arguments.

It is important to recognize how men unknowingly invalidate and how women unknowingly send messages of disapproval.

Now Men Unknowingly Start Arguments

The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman's feelings or point of view. Men don't realize how much they invalidate. For example, a man may make light of a woman's negative feelings. He might say "Ah, don't worry about it." To another man this phrase would seem friendly. But to a female intimate partner it is insensitive and hurts. In another example, a man might try to resolve a woman's upset by saying "It's not such a big deal." Then he offers some practical solution to the problem, expecting her to be relieved and happy. He doesn't understand that she feels invalidated and unsupported. She cannot appreciate his solution until he validates her need to be upset. A very common example is when a man has done something to upset a woman. His instinct is to make her feel better by explaining why she shouldn't be upset. He confidently explains that he has a perfectly good, logical, and rational reason for what he did. He has no idea that this attitude makes her feel as though she has no right to be upset. When he explains himself, the only message she right hear is that he doesn't care about her feelings. For her to hear his good reasons, she first needs him to hear her good reasons for being upset. He needs to put his explanations on hold and listen with understanding. When he simply starts to care about her feelings she will start to feel supported. This change in approach takes practice but can be achieved. Generally, when a woman shares feelings of frustration, disappointment, or worry every cell in a man's body instinctively reacts with a list of explanations and justifications designed to explain away her upset feelings. A man never intends to make matters worse. His tendency to explain away feelings is just a Martian instinct. By understanding that his automatic gut reactions in this instance are counterproductive, a man can, however, make this shift. Through a growing awareness and his experiences of what works with a woman, a man can make this change.

Now Women Unknowingly Start Arguments

The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings. Instead of directly expressing her dislike or disappointment, a woman asks rhetorical questions and unknowingly (or knowingly) communicates a message of disapproval. Even though sometimes this is not the message she wants to give it is generally what a man will hear. For example, when a man is late, a woman may feel "I don't like waiting for you when you are late" or "I was worried that something had happened to you." When he arrives, instead of directly sharing her feelings she asks a rhetorical question like "How could you be so late?" or "What am I supposed to think when you're so late?" or "Why didn't you call?" Certainly asking someone "Why didn't you call?" is OK if you are sincerely looking for a valid reason. But when a woman is upset

the tone of her voice often reveals that she not looking for a valid answer but is making the point that there is no acceptable reason for being late. When a man hears a question like "How could you be so late?" or "Why didn't you call?" he does not hear her feelings but instead hears her disapproval. He feels her intrusive desire to help him be more responsible. He feels attacked and becomes defensive. She has no idea how painful her disapproval is to him. Just as women need validation, men need approval. The more a man loves a woman the more he needs her approval. It is always there in the beginning of a relationship. Either she gives him the message that she approves of him or he feels confident that he can win her approval. In either case the approval is present. A woman withdrawing that approval is particularly painful to a man. Women are generally oblivious of how they pull away their approval. And when they do pull it away, they feel very justified in doing so. A reason for this insensitivity is that women really are unaware of how significant approval is for men. A woman can, however, learn to disagree with a man's behavior and still approve of who he is. For a man to feel loved he needs her to approve of who he is, even if she disagrees with his behavior. Generally when a woman disagrees with a man's behavior and she wants to change him, she will disapprove of him. Certainly there may be times when she is more approving and less approving of him, but to be disapproving is very painful and hurts him. Most men are too ashamed to admit how much they need approval. They may go to great lengths to prove they don't care. But why do they immediately become cold, distant, and defensive when they lose a woman's approval? Because not getting what they need hurts. One of the reasons relationships are so successful in the beginning is that a man is still in a woman's good graces. He is still her knight in shining armor. He receives the blessings of her approval and, as a result, rides high. But as soon as he begins to disappoint her, he falls from grace. He loses her approval. All of a sudden he is cast out into the doghouse. A man can deal with a woman's disappointment, but when it is expressed with disapproval or rejection he feels wounded by her. Women commonly interrogate a man about his behavior with a disapproving tone. They do this because they think it will teach him a lesson. It does not. It only creates fear and resentment. And gradually he becomes less and less motivated. To approve of a man is to see the good reasons behind what he does. Even when he is irresponsible or lazy or disrespectful, if she loves him, a woman can find and recognize the goodness within him. To approve is to find the loving intention or the goodness behind the outside behavior. To treat a man as if he has no good reason for what he does is to withhold the approval she so freely gave in the beginning of the relationship. A woman needs to remember that she can still give approval even when she disagrees.

One critical pair of problems from which arguments arise:

1. The man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view.

2. Or the woman disapproves of the way the man is talking to her.

When He Needs Her Approval The Most

Most arguments occur not because two people disagree but because either the man feels that the woman disapproves of his point of view or the woman disapproves of the way he is talking to her. She often may disapprove of him because he is not validating her point of view or speaking to her in a caring way. When men and women learn to approve and validate, they don't have to argue. They can discuss and negotiate differences. When a man makes a mistake or forgets to do an errand or fulfill some responsibility, a woman doesn't realize how sensitive he feels. This is when he needs her love the most. To withdraw her approval at this point causes him extreme pain. She may not even realize she is doing it. She may think she is just feeling disappointed, but he feels her disapproval. One of the ways women unknowingly communicate disapproval is in their eyes and tone of voice. The words she chooses may be loving, but her look or the tone of her voice can wound a man. His defensive reaction is to make her feel wrong. He invalidates her and justifies himself. Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love. If he disappoints her, he wants to explain to her why she should not be so upset. He thinks his reasons will help her to feel better. What he doesn't know is that if she is upset, what she needs most is to be heard and validated.

NOW TO EXPRESS YOUR DIFFERENCES WITHOUT ARGUING

Without healthy role models, expressing differences and disagreements can be a very difficult task. Most of our parents either did not argue at all or when they did it quickly escalated into a fight. The following chart reveals how men and women unknowingly create arguments and suggests healthy alternatives. In each of the types of arguments listed below I first provide a rhetorical question that a woman might ask and then show how a man might interpret that question. Then I show how a man might explain himself and how a woman could feel invalidated by what she hears. Finally I suggest how men and women can express themselves to be more supportive and avoid arguments.

THE ANATOMY OF AN ARGUMENT

1. When He Comes Home Late:

When he arrives late she says: "How could you be so late?" or "There is no good reason for you to be late! Why didn't you call?" or "What am I supposed to think?".

The message he hears is "You are irresponsible. I would never be late. I am better than you."

When he arrives late and she is upset he explains "There was a lot of traffic on the bridge- or "Sometimes life can't be the way you want" or "You can't expect me to always be on time."

What she hears is "You shouldn't be upset because I have these good and logical reasons for being late. Anyway my work is more important than you, and you are too demanding!"

Now she can be less disapproving. She could say " I really don't like it when you are late. It is upsetting to me. I would really appreciate a call next time you are going to be late."

Now he can be more validating. He says "I was late, I'm sorry I upset you." ( Most important is to just listen without explaining much. ) Try to understand and validate what she needs to feel loved.

2. When He Forgets Something:

When he forgets to do something, she says "How could you forget?" or "When will you ever remember?" or "How am I supposed to trust you?"

The message he hears is "There is no good reason for forgetting. You are stupid and can't be trusted. I give so much more to this relationship. "

When he forgets to do something and she gets upset he explains "I was real busy and just forgot. These things just happen sometimes" or "It's not such a big deal. It doesn't mean I don't care."

What she hears is "You shouldn't get so upset over such trivial matters. You are being too demanding and your response is irrational. Try to be more realistic. You live in a fantasy world."

Now she can be less disapproving. If she is upset, she could say "I don't like it when you forget." She could also take another effective approach and simply not mention being angry that he has forgotten something and just ask again, saying "I would appreciate it if you would….. " (He will know he has forgotten.)

Now he can be more validating. He says "I did forget, Are you angry with me?" Then let her talk without making her wrong. As she talks she will realize she is being heard and soon she will feel very appreciative of him.

3. When He Returns from His Cave:

When he comes back from his cave, she says "How could you be so unfeeling and cold?" or "How do you expect me to react?" or "How am I supposed to know what's going on inside you?"

The message he hears is "There's no good reason for pulling away from me. You are cruel and unloving. You are the wrong man for me. You have hurt me so much more than I have ever hurt you."

When he comes back from his cave and she is upset he explains "I feel hurt or abandoned, I needed some time alone, it was only for two days. What is the big deal?" or "I didn't do anything to you. Why does it upset you so?"

What she hears is "You shouldn't be upset and if you do, I have no empathy for you. You are too needy and controlling. I will do whatever I want, I don't care about your feelings."

Now she can be less disapproving. If it upsets her she could say "I know you need to pull away at times but it still hurts when you pull away. I'm not saying you are wrong but it is important to me for you to understand what I go through."

Now he can be more validating. He says "I understand it hurts when I pull away. It must be very painful for you when I pull away. Let's talk about it." (When she feels heard then it is easier for her to accept his need to pull away at times.)

4. When He Disappoints Her:

When he disappoints her, she says: "How could you do this?" or "Why can't you do what you say you are going to do?'' or "Didn't you say you would do it?" or "When will you ever learn?"

The message he hears is "There is no good reason for disappointing me. You are an idiot. You can't do anything right. I can't be happy until you change!"

When she is disappointed with him, he explains "Hey, next time I'll get it right" or "It's not such a big deal" or "But I didn't know what you meant."

What she hears is "If you are upset it is your fault. You should be more flexible. You shouldn't get upset, and I have no empathy for you.

Now she can be less disapproving. If she is upset she could say "I don't like being disappointed. I thought you were going to call. It's OK and I need you to know how it feels when you "

Now he can be more validating. He says: "I understand I disappointed you. Let's talk about it. How did you feel?" Again let her talk. Give her a chance to be heard and she will feel better. After a while say to her "What do you need from me now to feel my support?" or "How can I support you now?"

5. When He Doesn't Respect Her Feelings and Hurts Her:

When he doesn't respect her feelings and hurts her. she says "How could you say that?" or "How could you treat me this way?" or "Why can't you listen to me?" or "Do you even care about me any more?" or "Do I treat you this way?"

The message he hears is "You are a bad and abusive person. I am so much more loving than you. I will never forgive you for this. You should be punished and cast out. This is all your fault."

When he doesn't respect her feelings and she gets even more upset, he explains "Look, I didn't mean that" or "I do listen to you; see I am doing so right now" or "I don't always ignore you" or "I am not laughing at you."

What she hears is "You have no right to be upset. You are not making any sense. You are too sensitive, something is wrong with you. You are such a burden."

Now she can be less disapproving. She could say "I don't like the way you are talking to me. Please stop" or "You are being mean and I don't appreciate it. I want to take a time-out" or "This is not the way I wanted to have this conversation. Let's start over" or "I don't deserve to be treated this way. I want to take a time-out" or "Would you please not interrupt" or "Would you please listen to what I am saying." (A man can respond best to short and direct statements. Lectures or questions are counterproductive.)

He says "I'm sorry, you don't deserve to be treated that way." Take a deep breath and just listen to her response. She may carry on and say something like "You never listen." When she pauses, say "You are right. Sometimes I don't listen. I'm sorry, you don't deserve to be treated that way. Let's start over. This time we will do it better." Starting a conversation over is an excellent way to keep an argument from escalating. If she doesn't want to start over don't make her feel wrong. Remember, if you give her the right to be upset then she will be more accepting and approving.

6. When He Is in a Hurry and She Doesn't Like It:

She complains "Why are we always in a hurry?" or "Why do you always have to rush places?"

The message he hears is "There is no good reason for this rushing! You never make me happy. Nothing will ever change you. You are incompetent and obviously you don't care about me."

He explains "it's not so bad" or "This is the way it has always been" or "There is nothing we can do about it now" or "Don't worry so much; it will be fine."

What she hears is "You have no right to complain. You should be grateful for what you have and not be such a dissatisfied and unhappy person. There is no good reason to complain, you are bringing everyone down."

Now she can be less disapproving: If she feels upset she can say "It's OK that we are rushing and I don't like it. It feels like we're always rushing" or "I love it when we are not in a hurry and I hate it sometimes when we have to rush, I just don't like it. Would you plan our next trip with fifteen minutes of extra time?"

New he can be more validating: He says "I don't like it either. I wish we could just slow down. It feels so crazy." In this example he has related to her feelings. Even if a part of him likes to rush, he can best support her in her moment of frustration by expressing how some part of himself sincerely relates to her frustration.

7. When She Feels Invalidated in a Conversation:

When she feels unsupported or invalidated in a conversation, she says "Why did you say that?" or "Why do you have to talk to me this way?" or "Don't you even care about what I'm saying?" or "How can you say that?"

The message he hears is "There is no good reason for treating me this way. Therefore you do not love me. You do not care. I give you so much and you give back nothing!"

When she feels invalidated and gets upset, he explains "But you are not making sense" or "But that is not what I said" or "I've heard all this before."

What she hears is "You have no right to be upset. You are irrational and confused. I know what is right and you don't. I am superior to you. You cause these arguments, not me."

Now she can be less disapproving: She could say "I don't like what you are saying. It feels as if you are judging me. I don't deserve that. Please understand me." or "I've had a hard day. I know this is not your fault. And I need you to understand what I'm feeling." Or she can simply overlook his comments and ask for what she wants, saying "I am in such a bad mood, would you listen to me for a while? It will help me feel much better." (Men need lots of encouragement to listen.)

Now he can be more validating: He says "I'm sorry it's not comfortable for you. What are you hearing me say?" By giving her a chance to reflect back what she has heard then he can again say: "I'm sorry. I understand why you didn't like it." Then simply pause. This is a time to listen. Resist the temptation to explain to her that she is misinterpreting what you said. Once the hurt is there it needs to be so heard if it is to be healed. Explanations are helpful only after the hurt is healed with some validation and caring understanding.

GIVING SUPPORT AT DIFFICULT TIMES

Any relationship has difficult times. They may occur for a variety of reasons, like loss of a job, death, illness, or just not enough rest. At these difficult times the most important thing is to try to communicate with a loving, validating, and approving attitude. In addition we need to accept and understand that we and our partners will not always be perfect. By learning successfully to communicate in response to the smaller upsets in a relationship it becomes easier to deal with the bigger challenges when they suddenly appear. In each of the above examples I have placed the woman in the role of being upset with the man for something he did or didn't do. Certainly men can also be upset with women, and any of my suggestions listed above apply equally to both sexes. If you are in a relationship, asking your partner how he or she would respond to the suggestions listed above is a useful exercise. Take some time when you are not upset with your partner to discover what words work best for them and share what works best for you. Adopting a few " prearranged agreed – upon statements " can be immensely helpful to neutralize tension when conflict arises. Also, remember that no matter how correct your choice of words, the feeling behind your words counts most. Even if you were to use the exact phrases listed above, if your partner didn't feel your love, validation, and approval the tension would continue to increase. As I mentioned before, sometimes the best solution for avoiding conflict is to see it coming and lie low for a while. Take a time-out to center yourself so that you can then come together again with greater understanding, acceptance, validation, and approval. Making some of these changes may at first feel awkward or even manipulative. Many people have the idea that love means "saying it like it is." This overly direct approach, however, does not take into account the listener's feelings. One can still be honest and direct about feelings but express them in a way that doesn't offend or hurt. By practicing some of the suggestions listed above, you will be stretching and exercising your ability to communicate in a more caring and trusting manner. After a while it will become more automatic. If you are presently in a relationship and your partner is attempting to apply some of the above suggestions, keep in mind that they are trying to be more supportive. At first their expressions may seem not only unnatural but insincere. It is not possible to change a lifetime of conditioning in a few weeks. Be careful to appreciate their every step; otherwise they may quickly give up.

Avoiding Arguments Through Loving Communications

Emotionally charged arguments and quarrels can be avoided if we can understand what our partner needs and remember to give it. The following story illustrates how when a woman communicates directly her feelings and when a man validates those feelings an argument can be avoided.

I remember once leaving for a vacation with my wife. As we drove off in the car and could finally relax from a hectic week, I expected Bonnie to be happy that we were going on such a great vacation. Instead she gave a heavy sigh and said, "I feel like my life is a long, slow torture." I paused, took a deep breath, and then replied, "I know what you mean, I feel like they are squeezing every ounce of life out of me." As I said this I made a motion as if I were wringing the water out of a rag. Bonnie nodded her head in agreement and to my amazement she suddenly smiled and then changed the subject. She started talking about how excited she was to go on this trip. Six years ago this would not have happened. We would have had an argument and I would have mistakenly blamed it on her. I would have been upset with her for saying her life was a long slow torture. I would have taken it personally and felt that she was complaining about me. I would have become defensive and explained that our life was not a torture and that she should be grateful that we were going on such a wonderful vacation. Then we would have argued and had a long, torturous vacation. All this would have happened because I didn't understand and validate her feelings. This time, I understood she was just expressing a passing feeling. It wasn't a statement about me. Because I understood this I didn't get defensive. By my comment about being wrung out she felt completely validated. In response, she was very accepting of me and I felt her love, acceptance, and approval. Because I have learned to validate her feelings, she got the love she deserved. We didn't have an argument.

Chapter 10

Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex

A man thinks he scores high with a woman when he does something very big for her, like buying her a new car or taking her on a vacation. He assumes he scores less when he does something small, like opening the car door, buying her a flower, or giving her a hug. Based on this kind of score keeping, he believes he will fulfill her best by focusing his time, energy, and attention into doing something large for her. This formula, however, doesn't work because women keep score differently. When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value. Its size doesn't matter; it gets a point. A man, however, thinks he scores one point for one small gift and thirty points for a big gift. Since he doesn't understand that women keep score differently, he naturally focuses his energies into one or two big gifts. A man doesn't realize that to a woman the little things are just as important as the big things. In other words, to a woman, a single rose gets as many points as paying the rent on time. Without understanding this basic difference in score keeping, men and women are continually frustrated and disappointed in their relationships. The following case illustrates this:

In counseling, Pam said, "I do so much for Chuck and he ignores me. All he cares about is his work." Chuck said, "But my work pays for our beautiful house and allows us to go on vacations. She should be happy." Pam replied, "I don't care about this house or the vacations if we are not loving each other. I need more from you." Chuck said, "You make it sound like you give so much more." Pam said, "I do. I am always doing things for you. I do the wash, fix the meals, clean the House; everything. You do one thing; you go to work, which does pay the bills. But then you expect me to do everything else." Chuck is a successful doctor. Like most professionals his work is very time consuming but very profitable. He couldn't understand why his wife, Pam, was so discontent. He earned a "good living" and he provided a "good life" for his wife and family, but when he came home his wife was unhappy. In Chuck's mind, the more money he made at work, the less he needed to do at, home to fulfill his wife. He thought his hefty paycheck at the end of the month scored him at least thirty points. When he opened his own clinic and doubled his income, he assumed he was now scoring sixty points a month. He had no idea that his paycheck earned him only one point each month with Pam, no matter how big it was. Chuck did not realize that from Pam's point of view, the more he earned, the less she got. His new clinic required more time and energy. To pick up the slack she began to do even more to manage their personal life and relationship. As she gave more, she felt as if she was scoring about sixty points a month to his one. This made her very unhappy and resentful. Pam felt she was giving much more and getting less. From Chuck's point of view he was now giving more (sixty points) and should get more from his wife. In his mind the score was even. He was satisfied with their relationship except for one thing; she wasn't happy. He blamed her for wanting too much. To him, his increased pay equaled what she was giving. This attitude made Pam even more angry.

After listening to my relationship course on tape, both Pam and Chuck were able to let go of their blame and solve their problem with love. A relationship headed for divorce was transformed. Chuck learned that doing little things for his wife made a big difference. He was amazed at how quickly things changed when he started devoting more time and energy to her. He began to appreciate that for a woman little things are just as important as big things. He now understood why his work scored only one point. Actually, Pam had good reason to be unhappy. She truly needed Chuck's personal energy, effort, and attention much more than their wealthy lifestyle. Chuck discovered that by spending less energy making money and devoting just a little more energy in the right direction. his wife would be much happier. He recognized that he had been working longer hours in hopes of making her happier. Once he understood how she kept score, he could come home with a new confidence because he knew how to make her happy.

LITTLE THINGS MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE

There are a variety of ways a man can score points with his partner without having to do much. It is just a matter of redirecting the energy and attention he is already giving. Most men already know about many of these things but don't bother to do them because they don't realize how important the little things are to a woman. A man truly believes the little things are insignificant when compared to the big things he is doing for her. Some men may start out in a relationship doing the little things, but having done them once or twice they stop. Through some mysterious instinctive force, they begin to focus their energies into doing one big thing for their partners. They then neglect to do all the little things that are necessary for a woman to feel fulfilled in the relationship. To fulfill a woman, a man needs to understand what she needs to feel loved and supported. The way women score points is not just a preference but a true need. Women need many expressions of love in a relationship to feel loved. One or two expressions of love, no matter how important, will not, and cannot fulfill her. This can be extremely hard for a man to understand. One way to look at it is to imagine that women have a love tank similar to the gas tank on a car. It needs to be filled over and over again. Doing many little things (and scoring many points) is the secret for filling a woman's love tank. A woman feels loved when her love tank is full. She is able to respond with greater love, trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Lots of little things are needed to top off her tank. Following is a list of 101 of the little ways a man can keep his partner's love tank full.

101 WAYS TO SCORE POINTS WITH A WOMAN

1. Upon returning home find her first before doing anything else and give her a hug.

2. Ask her specific questions about her day that indicate an awareness of what she was planning to do (e.g., "How did your appointment with the doctor go?").

3. Practice listening and asking questions.

4. Resist the temptation to solve her problems & empathize instead.

5. Give her twenty minutes of unsolicited quality attention (don't read the newspaper or be distracted by anything else during this time).

6. Bring her cut flowers as a surprise as well as on special occasions.

7. Plan a date several days in advance, rather than waiting for Friday night and asking her what she wants to do.

8. If she generally makes dinner or if it is her turn and she seems tired or really busy, offer to make dinner.

9. Compliment her on how she looks.

10. Validate her feelings when she is upset.

11. Offer to help her when she is tired.

12. Schedule extra time when traveling so that she doesn't have to rush.

13. When you are going to be late, call her and let her know.

14. When she asks for support, say yes or no without making her wrong for asking.

15. Whenever her feelings have been hurt, give her some empathy and tell her "I'm sorry you feel hurt." Then be silent; let her feel your understanding of her hurt. Don't offer solutions or explanations why her hurt is not your fault.

16. Whenever you need to pull away, let her know you will be back or that you need some time to think about things.

17. When you've cooled off and you come back, talk about what was bothering you in a respectful, non blaming way, so she doesn't imagine the worst.

18. Offer to build a fire in wintertime.

19. When she talks to you, put down the magazine or turn off the TV and give her your full attention.

20. If she usually washes the dishes, occasionally offer to wash the dishes, especially if she is tired that day.

21. Notice when she is upset or tired and ask what she has to do. Then offer to help by doing a few of her "to do" items.

22. When going out, ask if there is anything she wants you to pick up at the store, and remember to pick it up.

23. Let her know when you are planning to take a nap or leave.

24. Give her four hugs a day.

25. Call her from work to ask how she is or to share something exciting or to tell her "I love you."

26. Tell her "I love you" at least a couple of times every day.

27. Make the bed and clean up the bedroom.

28. If she washes your socks, turn your socks right side out so she doesn't have to.

29. Notice when the trash is full and offer to empty it.

30. When you are out of town, call to leave a telephone number where you can be reached and to let her know you arrived safely.

3 1. Wash her car.

32. Wash your car and clean up the interior before a date with her.

33. Wash before having sex or put on a cologne if she likes that.

34. Take her side when she is upset with someone.

35. Offer to give her a back or neck or foot massage (or all three).

36. Make a point of cuddling or being affectionate sometimes without being sexual.

37. Be patient when she is sharing. Don't look at your watch.

38. Don't flick the remote control to different channels when she is watching TV with you.

39. Display affection in public.

40. When holding hands don't let your hand go limp.

41. Learn her favorite drinks so you can offer her a choice of the ones that you know she already likes.

42. Suggest different restaurants for going out; don't put the burden of figuring out where to go on her.

43. Get season tickets for the theater, symphony, opera, ballet, or some other type of performance she likes.

44. Create occasions when you both can dress up.

45. Be understanding when she is late or decides to change her outfit.

46. Pay more attention to her than to others in public.

47. Make her more important than the children. Let the children see her getting your attention first and foremost.

48. Buy her little presents like a small box of chocolates or perfume.

49. Buy her an outfit (take a picture of your partner along with her sizes to the store and let them help you select it).

50. Take pictures of her on special occasions.

5 1. Take short romantic getaways.

52. Let her see that you carry a picture of her in your wallet and update it from time to time.

53. When staying in a hotel, have them prepare the room with something special, like a sparkling apple juice or flowers.

54. Write a note or make a sign on special occasions such as anniversaries and birthdays.

55. Offer to drive the car on long trips.

56. Drive slowly and safely, respecting her preferences. After all, she is sitting powerless in the front seat.

57. Notice how she is feeling and comment on it " You look happy today " or " You look tired " and then ask a question like " How was your day? "

58. When taking her out, study in advance the directions so that she does not have to feel responsible to navigate.

59. Take her dancing or take dancing lessons together.

60. Surprise her with a love note or poem.

61. Treat her in ways you did at the beginning of the relationship.

62. Offer to fix something around the house. Say " What needs to be fixed around here? I have

some extra time. " Don't take on more than you can do.

63. Offer to sharpen her knives in the kitchen.

64. Buy some good Super Glue to fix things that are broken.

65. Offer to change light bulbs as soon as they go out.

66. Help with recycling the trash.

67. Read out loud or cut out sections of the newspaper that would interest her.

68. Write out neatly any phone memories you may take for her.

69. Keep the bathroom floor clean and dry it after taking a shower.

70. Open the door for her.

71. Offer to carry the groceries.

72. Offer to carry heavy boxes for her.

73. On trips, handle the luggage and be responsible for packing it in the car.

74. If she washes the dishes or it is her rum, offer to help scrub pots or other difficult tasks.

75. Make a "to fix" list and leave it in the kitchen. When you have extra time do something on that fist for her. Don't let it get too long.

76. When she prepares a meal, compliment her cooking.

77. When listening to her talk, use eye contact.

78. Touch her with your hand sometimes when you talk to her.

79. Show interest in what she does during the day, in the books she reads and the people she relates to.

80. When listening to her, reassure her that you are interested by making little noises like ah ha, uh-huh, oh, mm huh and hmmm.

81. Ask her how she is feeling.

82. If she has been sick in some way, ask for an update and ask how she is doing or feeling.

83. If she is tired offer to make her some tea.

84. Get ready to go to sleep together and get in bed at the same time.

85. Give her a kiss and say good bye when you leave.

86. Laugh at her jokes and humor.

87. Verbally say thank you when she does things for you.

88. Notice when she gets her hair done and give a reassuring compliment.

89. Create special time to be alone together.

90. Don't answer the phone at intimate moments or if she is sharing vulnerable feelings.

91. Go bicycling together, even if it's just a short ride.

92. Organize and prepare a picnic. (Remember to bring a picnic cloth.)

93. If she handles the laundry, bring the clothes to the cleaners or offer to do the wash.

94. Take her for a walk without the children.

95. Negotiate in a manner that shows her that you want her to get what she wants and you also want what you want. Be caring, but don't be a martyr.

96. Let her know that you missed her when you went away.

97. Bring home her favorite pie or dessert.

98. If she normally shops for the food, offer to do the food shopping.

99. Eat lightly on romantic occasions so that you don't become stuffed and tired later.

100. Leave the bathroom seat down.

101. Ask her to add her thoughts to this list.

THE MAGIC OF DOING LITTLE THINGS

It's magic when a man does little things for his woman. It keeps her love tank full and the score even. When the score is even, or almost even, a woman knows she is loved, which makes her more trusting and loving in return. When a woman knows she's loved, she can love without resentment. Doing little things for a woman is also healing for a man. In fact, those little things will tend to heal his resentments as well as hers. He begins to feel powerful and effective because she's getting the caring she needs. Both are then fulfilled.

What a Man Needs

Just as men need to continue doing little things for a woman, she needs to be particularly attentive to appreciate the little things he does for her. With a smile and a thanks she can let him know he has scored a point. A man needs this appreciation and encouragement to continue giving. He needs to feel he can make a difference. Men stop giving when they feel they are being taken for granted. A woman needs to let him know that what he is doing is appreciated. This doesn't mean that she has to pretend that everything is now perfectly wonderful because

he has emptied the trash for her. But she can simply notice that he has emptied the trash and say "thanks." Gradually more love will flow from both sides.

What a Man Needs a Woman to Accept

A woman needs to accept a man's instinctive tendencies to focus all his energies into one big thing and minimize the importance of the little things. By accepting this inclination, it will not be as hurtful to her. Rather than resenting him for giving less, she can constructively work with him to solve the problem. She can repeatedly let him know how much she appreciates the little things he has done for her and that he works hard and attentively. She can remember that his forgetting to do the little things doesn't mean he doesn't love her but that he has become too focused on big things again. Instead of fighting him or punishing him, she can encourage his personal involvement by asking for his support. With more appreciation and encouragement a man will gradually learn to value the little things as well as the big. He will become less driven to be more and more successful and begin to relax more and spend more time with his wife and family.

REDIRECTING ENERGY AND ATTENTION

I remember when I first learned to redirect my energies into the little things. When Bonnie and I were first married, I was almost a workaholic. In addition to writing books and teaching seminars, I had a counseling practice for fifty hours a week. In the first year of our marriage, she let me know again and again how much she needed more time with me. Repeatedly she would share her feelings of abandonment and hurt. Sometimes she would share her feelings in a letter. We call this a Love Letter. It always ends with love and includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear and sorrow. In chapter 11 we will explore more deeply the methods and importance of writing these Love Letters. She wrote this Love Letter about my spending too much time at work.

Dear John,

I'm writing you this letter to share with you my feelings. I don't mean to tell you what to do. Ijust want you to understand my feelings. I am angry that you spend so much time at work. I am angry y that you come home with nothing left for me. I want to spend more time with you. It hurts to feel like you care more about your clients than me. I feel sad that you are so tired. I miss you. I'm afraid you don't want to spend time with me. I am afraid of being another burden in your life. I am afraid of sounding like a nag. I am afraid my feelings are not important to you.

I'm sorry if this is hard to hear. I know you are doing your best. I appreciate how hard you work.

I love you,

Bonnie

After reading about her feeling neglected I realized that I truly was giving more to my clients than I was to her. I would give my undivided attention to my clients and the

Date: 2015-04-20; view: 943