Chapter Nine

Her head swam slightly as she woke, unsure of her surroundings at first. Abby felt the arm around her body and recognized the sensation of tranquility as one she hadn’t experienced in quite some time. The feeling of wholeness inside her was incredible.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so complete.

But as the events of the night began to unfold in her mind, she felt her body freeze up. No, she thought, opening her eyes and looking around. She was sprawled across Logan’s bare chest. He slept soundly, a look of contentment on his face.

Panic rushed through her as she racked her brain, trying to decide what she should do.

The list of obligations flashed through her mind. The promises she’d made. The people who’d come to expect certain things from her. She caught a glimpse of the heavy engagement ring on her finger, guilt flooding through her.

She wasn’t this kind of girl. She wasn’t the type of girl to cheat on her fiancé—she wasn’t the kind of girl who bowed out on responsibility and who broke her promises.

She looked down at Logan, her heart aching.

She loved him. She couldn’t deny it.

Abby rose to her feet, holding a sheet wrapped around her. She walked quietly around the room, trying to calm the racket in her mind.

There was a roll of paper spread out across the desk that she had failed to notice the night before and she crossed over to it, looking it over.

And she gasped as she suddenly realized what it was.

A distant memory of a past conversation entered her mind as she remembered describing her perfect house to Logan years ago. It would have lots of balconies and porches, she had claimed—lots of windows. She wanted to be able to smell lilacs no matter where she went. And there would be at least four bedrooms—one for them, and one for each of the children they would have. She’d wanted a library, too—just a small one, something to put all of her books in.

The roll of paper contained the blueprints for that home. Tears flooded her eyes as she reached out and touched the small cove in the master bedroom that he’d labeled ‘Library’.

It was sudden, the realization she came to as she looked back at him.

She didn’t deserve him.

He’d remained loyal to her—he’d loved her enough not to let go. And what had she done? She glanced down at the ring. She’d given up.

Abby stood still, taking him in for a long moment. After, she wandered around the room, gathering her clothes and dressing quickly. She avoided looking at him, knowing it would only cause her pain.

A pad of paper sat on the nightstand and she picked it up, staring at it for several long moments, wondering what to say. And then it came to her—one simple, heartbreaking phrase. I’m sorry.

But as she wrote the words, something inside her told her that she was lying to herself. Something told her she was acting out of fear, but she couldn’t stop herself. The tears continued to spill over as she returned to the airport, the shuttle ride short but excruciating, but she couldn’t turn back.

She asked for the first flight out—not caring where she went, so long as she was away from him. She knew that, if he found her right now—she wouldn’t be able to turn away. She couldn’t say goodbye to him—not again. Her heart couldn’t take it.

And so she boarded the first flight heading west. She climbed aboard the plane and stared straight ahead, unwilling to chance even just a glimpse.

If she had, she would have seen Logan standing at the window of the terminal, his heart broken, his hopes lost. She would have seen him fall into a chair and hang his head in his hands, empty—just as she had been all those years ago when she’d woken to find the same note.

But Abby didn’t look. She stared straight ahead the entire flight to Phoenix, an emptiness filling her that she knew she would never be able to part from.

Because the place deep down inside her that imagined a future with Logan—that recognized the love they had—that place was barren now. And it was no longer his fault—it was hers. It was all on Abby.

~*~

It was a long flight home. The flight from Phoenix to Los Angeles had about a two hour layover. But Abby didn’t care. She was finally, at last, numb.

She thought about calling Eric, but she couldn’t. She needed some more time—just a bit longer to get herself together. When she finally arrived in Los Angeles, she wandered through the airport just as mechanically as when she’d departed. A taxi took her home, and she was grateful to find the apartment empty. It would be easier this way.

Her luggage had been lost among all the confusion, which she had almost expected—so all she carried was her carry-on. She walked up the stairs and dropped the bag in her bedroom, continuing on to the bathroom and immediately turning on the shower.

His scent still clung to her. The feel of his mouth on her skin was still there. She was aching to be rid of it.

But even as she climbed into the shower, she knew it would be impossible. Because though she could wash away the physical remnants, she couldn’t forget their night together. She couldn’t forget the frenzied passion or the sense of completion she felt, laying peacefully in his arms.

A quiet sadness settled over her and she leaned back against the shower wall, her head spinning. Abby wanted to cry, but for the first time in a week, she found there were no tears left within her. She was finally all cried out.

She sunk to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest. And she mourned. She mourned her friends. Mourned Logan. And she mourned herself. Because she knew, from here on out, she would never be the same again.

She spent the day keeping busy, trying her hardest to keep herself distracted. After most of her simple cleaning tasks had been completed, she decided to go grocery shopping. Mindlessly, she walked through the aisles, adding various items to her basket without much care.

When she returned home to find that Eric still hadn’t arrived, she put the groceries away and set to making dinner. She heard the phone ring and she sighed, crossing the room to answer it. Her heart was hammering loudly in her chest and she wondered if Logan may have somehow gotten her number. She’d been careful throughout the week not to give it to him.

A sigh of relief escaped her as she realized who it was and she picked up the phone, holding it to her ear. “Hi Dad,” she said quietly.

“It’s so good to hear your voice, Abby.” She smiled sadly, settling herself on the couch. “How was your flight? I saw there was all sorts of bad weather—”

“We were grounded somewhere in Kansas—just made it home not that long ago.”

“You sound exhausted—didn’t get much sleep last night?” A fresh wave of guilt passed through her.

“Haven’t gotten much sleep this whole week, Daddy.” Her tone grew much quieter as she sniffed.

“That’s understandable, dear. You had to do something this week that you never should have had to do. I’m sorry, Abby.” She felt the now familiar ache in her chest, wondering now if there was some sort of double meaning to his words. She knew he could only be talking about Hayley and Blake, but in her current state of mind, it almost felt as if he was talking about Logan. “Even in the face of such unexpected loss, though, you somehow managed to stay—oh, I don’t know the word. You were luminous, Abigail. It reminded me so very much of your mother.”

“Dad—”

“No, I mean it. The day of the funeral, I was seated toward the back when you arrived. I heard your laughter. I haven’t heard you laugh like that in ages. Of course you were sad—but you still shined so brightly.” Abby felt her heart swell with longing. There had been a reason she’d laughed like that—a reason she had shone brightly at all. One reason and one reason alone.

Logan’s smile materialized in her mind.

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m proud of you, Abigail. I’m proud of the woman you’ve turned into—and no matter what, I will always feel that way.”

She wondered if he would still agree if he knew she’d cheated on her fiancé.

“Thanks, Daddy,” she whispered, suddenly needing to end the conversation. She couldn’t talk to him—not like this. “Listen, I’ve got—I’ve got dinner going, I should really—”

“Oh, of course.” He sounded a bit disappointed, as if there had been more he wanted to say. “We’ll talk later.”

“Sure—later,”

“I love you, Abby.”

“I love you too, Daddy.” She repeated, pushing the button on the phone to end the call. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, telling herself that she had made the right choice. Leaving had been the only option.

She didn’t deserve him. She didn’t deserve the man he’d become—not when she felt so empty inside. He deserved someone light and airy. Someone free. Abigail Lewis was not that girl anymore. She hadn’t been for a very long time.

Except for last night. Last night, she’d stepped back in time—she’d become the girl in the photo from the baseball game who hadn’t a care in the world. Oh, how incredible it had been.

But she’d made promises to people. She’d given her word to a man—promised herself to him. And he was a good man. Eric really was. Maybe he wasn’t exactly the type of man she had seen her life with—but he loved her. And she would make a new life.

It was too late to go back. Too late to change things.

An echo of Logan’s words the night of the funeral sounded in her ears. “It’s never too late, Abigail. When are you going to wake up and see that?”

But he was wrong. He had to be. Because, looking back now, Abby had no idea how she would be able to go back and change things. Even if she wanted to.

And so Abby rose to her feet and returned to the kitchen, finishing the dinner she was preparing especially for Eric. Chicken alfredo was his favorite. She knew he would appreciate it.

When he walked through the door not too much later, she felt a bit of panic well up inside her. Would he be able to tell? Would he notice the change in her? Because, now more than ever, she was certain it was there. Something had changed within her—some quiet little detail, but it had changed the entirety of her being.

“You’re home,” his voice was pleased as she greeted him in the foyer. She smiled nervously, unsure of how to behave. He crossed the way and placed a kiss on her forehead. “I’m glad. I missed you.” He told her and Abby closed her eyes, ignoring the fact that nothing stirred deep within her. “Is that dinner I smell?”

“I went shopping.”

“Well, you’ve gotten quite a lot accomplished today.” If only he knew. She’d cleaned the apartment, gone grocery shopping, made dinner, and finally let go of the man she’d been trying to forget about for the last six years, all in one day. That, she mused sarcastically, was quite an accomplishment. “Shall we?” He asked and she nodded, leading him into the kitchen. The meal was laid about on the table, already waiting.

“I have some news, Eric.” She said halfway through.

“Oh?” His eyes, for just a moment, grew nervous. “Good news, I hope.”

Abby nodded, swallowing. “I’ve resigned from Rumor.” His eyes lit up and she could tell he was truly pleased by the information. Something within her was slightly disappointed at the reaction.

“That’s excellent news, Abigail. Now you can use the next few months to concentrate on the wedding.”

“Well, I had planned on looking for another job—”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Abigail. Take some time off. You never know, you may come to enjoy it.” The memory of Logan’s claim that Eric didn’t know Abby fluttered into her mind. Would he ever understand that Abby didn’t want that lifestyle? That she was more at home in some chaotic environment than she was sitting around and idly passing time? “At least wait until after the wedding. If you do find another job, who’s to say they’ll give you the time off once the wedding gets here?”

She sighed, nodding quietly as she took a bite of food.

This was her choice.

Date: 2015-04-20; view: 596