Home Random Page


CATEGORIES:

BiologyChemistryConstructionCultureEcologyEconomyElectronicsFinanceGeographyHistoryInformaticsLawMathematicsMechanicsMedicineOtherPedagogyPhilosophyPhysicsPolicyPsychologySociologySportTourism






Chapter Three

It took Natalie three days to find out that Hilton had slept with another woman. Hilton was soaking in the bath in the big house and listening to a tape of Anne’s radio program on her portable player. She had to resort to using the first-floor bathroom because the third-floor tub was no longer useable. The white porcelain handle had come off while she was rinsing out the tub so unless she wanted a cold bath it was time to pick another bathroom. She was thinking about the show. She’d be acting in the capacity of an official observer all week. The Web site needed visuals. Hilton was spoiled from listening to Anne and watching her. Having seen Anne’s facial expressions as she took calls and made commentary would be priceless video footage. Her chair-spinning and paper-tapping gave the conversations more pluck. It was difficult now just to listen to the show.

Tomorrow she’d go in early and set up a Web cam to test out her idea. If she could stream the program, the Web site would be a 23

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

new hotspot for her listeners and certainly fulfill all of Anne’s expectations for redesigning her site.

Amid this revelry of how to please the new boss, Nat burst into the bathroom. Her face was flushed and Hilton could tell she was fit to be tied. She had a pretty good idea why. Word had obviously gotten out. Not that she was hiding the fact that she’d also spent most of Saturday night in the arms of another woman. She would have preferred, however, that it stay quiet. She hadn’t seen Emily since then but it didn’t mean she wouldn’t in the future.

“What the fuck is going on?” Nat said, picking up the tape player and threatening to throw it in the bathtub.

“You won’t get away with it. Remember that Columbo show where the son killed off his father by dunking the radio in the tub.

Every cop in the world is aware of that stunt.”

“Fuck you,” Nat said. She clicked the player off and put it on the vanity. “You’re sleeping with some baby dyke down the street.”

“And?” Hilton said, slinking back down into the tub now that her life was no longer in jeopardy.

“And I’m pissed off.” Nat put her hands on her slim hips. She was dressed in tight black hip-hugger jeans and a low-cut red T-shirt that prominently showed her cleavage.

“Is that like an authoritative pose?” Hilton said.

“Yes. What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“The same thing you’re doing with the biker chick. I believe it’s called retaliatory fucking.”

“Great term. Did you learn that in therapy?”

Nat always reverted to therapy when she was at a loss on how to deal with Hilton. This was her way of reminding Hilton that she was not of sound mind and needed a nut ball like Nat to tell her how to behave in this savage world. Hilton had long stopped being offended.

Therapy had been her father’s idea because he was convinced that a six-year-old seeing her mother strewn out on the beach, seaweed in her hair, and drowned was a traumatic event. It had been a shocking sight, but it was anger, not trauma, that guided her into adulthood.



“I’m not sleeping with Sherry,” Nat said with a sigh.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

“What are you waiting for? That special moment? Or maybe you found someone with a conscience.”

Nat’s face flushed. “It’s not that.”

“Look, you started all this business. You’re about to bang the biker chick and I’m doing the neighbor. What’s the big deal?”

Hilton kept her voice even and her face placid. Nat hated these self-contained moments. She wanted tears and platitudes. She wanted a scene. Hilton refused to indulge her. She wanted to make this as painful as possible. This was what the therapist would call passive-aggressive behavior.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means maybe Sherry doesn’t want to bang a married woman, maybe she’s not comfortable doing someone else’s woman, maybe she thinks monogamy is important and you haven’t figured out a way to convince her that it’s all right,” Hilton retorted.

Nat swung open the bathroom door. “Fuck you!” she screamed.

Hilton had thrown the decisive blow. She was a marksman when it came to pinpointing a weak spot and hitting hard. “I can’t.

I probably don’t have a big enough dildo to compete with the ever-hard biker chick.”

Nat turned around and smiled. “As a matter of fact, you don’t.”

It was Hilton’s turn to snap. She grabbed the soap and hurled it with the precision of a big-league pitcher. It nailed Nat in the back of the head.

“God damn you,” Nat said, turning back around and going for Hilton. Liz and Jessie, who were watching reruns of Leave it to Beaver on television in the living room, heard the commotion and grabbed Nat before she got to the bathroom.

“I think a little time out might be in order,” Liz said, putting her arm around Nat and leading her away.

Jessie stood in the doorway of the bathroom. “Great shot!”

Hilton rolled her eyes and got up and grabbed a towel. She dried off and put on her robe. Jessie looked on admiringly.

“You’ve got a great body,” Jessie said, sitting down on the commode. She obviously meant to stay.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

Hilton smiled. “The lucky sperm club is responsible for genet-ics, not character.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Jessie asked. She picked up the fingernail clippers and decided her nails needed a little work.

This was more togetherness than Hilton preferred but it was going to have to do. Jessie looked parked. “It means what you look like is simply a happy accident, and how you behave is of your own making.”

“I’d take happy accident any day. So I don’t get it.”

“Get what?” Hilton said, brushing her hair.

“Why you’re in trouble when Nat is the one who plays.”

“Go figure,” Hilton said. She sat down on the edge of the slowly draining tub and applied lotion to her legs. She was going to have to employ a plumber, just not a lesbian plumber this time.

Perhaps one afternoon when Nat was getting her brains fucked out she could bring someone in to repair the bathtubs at least. Maybe this time they’d get the pipes fixed instead of getting her girlfriend laid.

“I have a couple of theories,” Jessie offered.

“In your ever-humble opinion on lesbian life.”

“I have had a lot of experience when it comes to women.”

“Oh, do share.”

Jessie was never daunted by Hilton’s facetiousness. This was a good quality, Hilton had deduced. Most people shut off when taunted. Jessie seemed to view it as kindling. It was going to be a roaring fire.

“It comes down to you get what you give.”

“That’s it?” Hilton wished she had more body maintenance to do because Jessie wasn’t going to let her leave. She found her clothes and began dressing.

“Yes, you see there are basically three types of relationships.”

“Only three?” Hilton pulled on her shorts and thought about running by the Army and Navy store downtown to pick up some camouflage pants. Fall was beginning to linger in the air. Her friend Doug at the store had told her a new shipment was due in 26

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

any day. This was the first fall of her life when she wouldn’t be going back to school, and she was finding a welcome relief in starting what might appear to be a new life. She had promised Gran she’d finish college and she’d fulfilled her promise.

“Yes, three—good, mediocre and bad. A good one is basically monogamous and long-term, or it’s a roll in the hay that doesn’t require the U-Haul at the end of the date. Then there’s mediocre, two people who have the roll in the hay and feel obligated to turn a one-night stand into at least a two-year relationship. One or both partners want out but don’t want the attached failure. Then there’s bad, which describes you and Nat, two people who are together but shouldn’t be.” Jessie stopped her pontification, got up off the commode and set the nail clippers on the counter.

“That clears up everything for me.”

“Glad I could help.”

“Are you guarding me?” Hilton asked as it suddenly dawned on her that Jessie had an ulterior motive for keeping her contained.

“Yes, but it appears the coast is clear. Liz told me to keep you busy for at least five minutes until she got Nat safely escorted off the premises.”

“I can always count on you two.”

Liz showed up. “Well, at least you didn’t put out an eye with that stunt.” She put her hands on her hips with the obvious intention of getting some form of remorse out of Hilton.

“With a bar of soap?” Jessie asked.

Liz gave her the look. “Well, I mean, I guess you could, but it doesn’t really seem all that plausible.”

“Did she go running into the arms of the Dildo Queen?”

Hilton asked snidely.

“I didn’t ask,” Liz replied. “Why don’t you come watch the rest of Leave It to Beaver with us.”

“Stupid show. Besides, I’ve got work to do,” Hilton said. She made her way to the attic and tried to forget about Nat.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

Wednesday morning Hilton was at the radio station an hour and a half early. The show didn’t start until ten. Shannon came in and did her perfunctory smell of the control room and then went out and lay down under the fan on the wooden floor of the office part of the studio. Hilton had deduced that Shannon found the control room too confined and noisy for her nap hour. She put her head down and closed her eyes. Inside Studio C she set up the Web cam and ran all the software so she could check the system before Anne went on the air. She double-checked the position of the camera. She walked by Studio B and waved at the new jock spinning tunes on the local FM station. It was his second day but he appeared to be doing just fine. Hilton liked him already because he was into social satire. Satisfied with her work she went to get a coffee. On the way out, Veronica, the show’s producer, stopped her.

“Hilton, may I have a word with you?”

“Sure,” Hilton said, thinking Veronica’s requests were never that; they were standing orders. Hilton was doing her best but Veronica was not easy.

“It’s about your wardrobe.”

Just then Anne came around the corner. “What’s wrong with her outfit?”

“I just think it should be more professional. I mean, a white men’s undershirt in dire need of bleaching and camouflage cargo pants are hardly suitable business attire.”

Hilton looked down at herself as if seeing her outfit for the first time. “No one sees me. It’s radio.”

“I just think when you get your first check you should go out and get yourself some nice clothes. I could figure in an advance if you’d like,” Veronica offered. She ran her hand over her well-coiffed brunette bun.

“You’re serious?” Anne said.

Hilton could see absolute mirth dancing in Anne’s eyes because Hilton’s secret of being an heiress was not information Veronica had been privy to as of yet.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

“Have you known me to be anything else?” Veronica said.

“Uh, no.” Anne took off her black blazer and put it around Hilton’s shoulders. Hilton slipped her arms into it and then stood there feeling distinctly uncomfortable. The blazer smelled of Anne’s perfume and it was still warm.

“Veronica, I think Hilton’s basic philosophy on clothes is to pick something off the floor, give it a good sniff, determine whether it’s inhabitable and then get dressed. Am I correct?”

Hilton nodded.

“But she has such nice lines,” Veronica said, running her hand along Hilton’s chin and checking her out.

Hilton shuddered.

“I think we’re making her uncomfortable. Let’s go,” Anne said.

She put her arm around Hilton’s blazer-clad shoulders and led her to the control room. “Do you think Veronica’s a lesbian? I can’t quite figure her out.”

“I hope not,” Hilton said, horrified by the thought.

Anne laughed. “For your sake, me too. I think she might have the hots for you. She’s already trying to cast you in her own image.”

“If I ever show up in a bun and a tight black shirt with a her-ringbone blazer, shoot me because I’ve completely lost my mind.”

“I promise. She is a great producer.”

“She scares me.”

Dave was sitting at the board doing show prep. He looked up.

“Nice outfit.”

“It’s highbrow grunge,” Anne said.

“Is there a dress code?” Hilton asked, genuinely concerned. No one had mentioned one and how did Anne know about her house-keeping methods? Were they that apparent?

“Hell, no!” Dave said. “Has Veronica been at you? She does that to all the new people. She has yet to make a convert. Just think of her as the Jehovah’s Witness of fashion. She’s always knocking but no one answers.”

Anne laughed hysterically. Hilton was still puzzled. “My only 29

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

stipulation is that you wear clothes. You look just like Dave except for the underwear.”

Hilton blushed.

“Dare I ask? Let me venture … boxers?” Anne inquired, raising an eyebrow.

Hilton nodded. “They’re much more comfortable.”

“Really? I can’t say I’ve tried them. You know, that would make a great show segment. The news is kind of slow today.” Anne sum-moned Veronica to the control room. “Veronica, I need you to get me a pair of boxers immediately. I’m thinking a burgundy paisley would be nice, in silk, of course. What do you think?”

Veronica stood at the door looking perturbed. “I’m not a message boy.”

“No, but you’re a great shopper. Now get going, the show starts in forty-five minutes. I’ve got show prep to think of.”

Veronica went stomping off and Hilton could tell she didn’t like being treated as the office gofer. Serves her right for being a clothes Nazi, Hilton thought smugly.

“So what’s this?” Anne asked, looking at the Web cam Hilton had set up.

“I want to videotape the show and run the stream on the Web site.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, you’ll need to put your blazer back on so you’ll look presentable,” Hilton said as she took it off and handed it to her.

“Right,” Anne said, looking all business. She put the blazer on and straightened out the collar.

“Yeah, ‘cause you know Veronica won’t like it if you look sloppy,” Dave said.

“I don’t know if I’m entirely comfortable with this idea. What if I look bad on camera?”

“I’ve seen your promotion pictures. You’re very photogenic.

You’ll look great. Besides, most listeners expect radio people to be homely. In this case, I think they’ll be pleasantly surprised,” Hilton said.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

“Oh, well, since you put it that way,” Anne said with a laugh.

Hilton smiled and led Anne to her chair in the booth. “Let’s see how this works.” She went into the control room and adjusted the frames, had Anne move around in her chair and then had Anne come back to the control room and look at the video stream on the computer.

“Hey, that actually works,” Anne said, obviously pleased with Hilton’s efforts.

“I am not late for work!” an elderly woman said emphatically as she marched across the room. Thick black-rimmed glasses magni-

fied her pale blue eyes. She was wearing a purple flowered print dress and an enormous red hat with a long black feather. She nearly took out Hilton’s eye as she stormed by in her beige square-heeled shoes. She seriously looked like she’d escaped from the old folks’ home down the street.

“No, Lillian, I wasn’t talking to you. I was saying it works,”

Anne enunciated, pointing to the Web cam.

“I always leave at the same time, take the same bus and arrive at the same time. Consequently, it’s not possible that I’m late,” Lillian said. She peered down at Shannon, who was sprawled out on the floor sound asleep.

“Yes, Lillian, I know,” Anne said.

“And what on God’s green earth is that?” Lillian said, nudging Shannon with her foot.

Shannon groaned.

“It’s Hilton’s dog, Shannon,” Anne replied.

Shannon opened her eyes and then licked Lillian’s ankle.

“I had a boyfriend that used to do that,” Lillian said. She eased over gently and patted Shannon’s head. “Nice doggy. I read an article the other day that pets in the workplace are supposed to reduce your blood pressure. Is she on the payroll?”

“Of course,” Anne said.

“Pity she can’t do promo work. We could replace you-know-who with the tight hair,” Lillian said, nodding in Veronica’s direction.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

Anne laughed. “I’m going to go do some quick research on the history of underwear.” She left for her booth.

Shannon followed her, having obviously decided that since everyone had filled their spaces in the control room that it was too crowded. She returned to her usual spot in center of the floor under the fan in the main office.

“Who is that?” Hilton whispered to Dave.

“She’s the call screener.”

“The call screener is deaf?” she asked incredulously.

“Yeah,” he said, going back to setting up the board.

“But you’ve been screening calls all this week.”

“Lillian was on vacation visiting her older sister in Phoenix,” he said matter-of-factly.

“She has a sister older than her?”

“Yeah, and get this, they’re both chain-smokers … Pall Mall Reds. So much for the healthy lifestyle crap.”

“This doesn’t make any sense.”

“Welcome to monkey-land,” Dave said.

“How can she screen calls if she can’t hear the callers?”

“She can’t. That’s the beauty of it.” He leaned over to check out Hilton’s handiwork. “This is really going to improve ratings on the Web site.”

“Thanks,” Hilton said, trying not to blush.

Forty minutes later, Veronica breezed into the studio with a small bag from Nordstrom’s and handed it to Anne who was sitting on the couch in the anterior of the studio reading her research notes on underwear. “Are you sure this is an appropriate topic for our listeners?” She raised her eyebrow and pursed her lips.

Hilton smirked, thinking someone like Anne Counterman didn’t get where she was by listening to everything her producer told her. Hilton was getting the sense that Anne did what she wanted when and how she saw fit.

“I’m going to change. I’ll be right back,” Anne said, glancing up at the big clock on the back wall. In radio everyone lived by that clock. It was eight minutes to the top of the hour.

When she came back, Dave and Hilton were sitting on the 32

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

couch waiting for her. Lillian still had her head down on the control room desk taking a quick power nap. Dave had assured Hilton that this was an every day occurrence and that she’dbe pumped and ready to go when the show started. Anne walked around a bit, adjusted her black linen trousers and nodded. “These are more comfortable, not to mention that they totally alleviate the panty-line issue. Okay, we’ll start the show off with the underwear discussion. Got that, Lillian?” Anne said, leaning into the control room door. Lillian woke with a start.

“Underwater? Like fish stories?” Lillian inquired, abruptly sitting straight up.

“No, like boxers,” Anne said.

“I knew a boxer once. He had terrible table manners,” Lillian said.

“Just remember, anything to do with clothes is fine,” Anne suggested. She gave Dave a pregnant look.

“I’ll watch her,” Dave muttered.

The intro music for the show started. Anne’s theme song for the show was Aretha Franklin’s song, “Respect.” Hilton took her seat in the control room and watched the video stream on the ancillary monitor she’d set up. This was going to work awesome.

Anne did an impromptu monologue on the virtues of underwear from the research she’d done on the Internet. She gave a brief history and then extolled the virtues of various undergarments.

Dave switched on the top-of-the-hour news and weather along with station identification for KCOM-FM while Lillian screened calls. Hilton carefully monitored the video stream.

“There’s someone here who wants to talk about thongs,”

Lillian screamed. “Is beachwear what we’ve sunk to?”

Dave reached over and transferred the call. Anne gave him the thumbs-up signal.

“It’s a slow news day, Lillian,” Anne said.

“Hello, Anne, this is Heather and I am wearing a thong.”

“Aren’t they uncomfortable?” Anne asked.

“No, not at all. They make you feel free, not stifled by excess fabric,” the breathy voice said.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

“Are you a leggy blonde?” Anne inquired. She rolled her eyes and smiled mischievously at the video cam.

“Of course. You must be psychic,” the woman said.

“You’ve got heels on right now, don’t you?”

The woman laughed flirtatiously.

Satisfied with the video stream, Hilton went to get a bottle of water from the employee lounge that was located just down the hall from the studio. She noticed the FedEx driver standing at the reception area obviously waiting for the receptionist’s return.

“Hey, can I get you to sign for something,” the driver said.

“Am I allowed to do that?” Hilton asked.

“Sure, I just need a signature. It’s a package for Hilton Withers.

Does she work here?”

“Oh, that’s me. I can sign for my own package, right?”

“Boy, she’s got you freaked already,” the driver said.

Hilton smirked apologetically for having no balls. She couldn’t think of anything she’d ordered. Still puzzled, she signed for the package. The FedEx driver was a short, buff, Hispanic woman who stared intently at her while she signed the form. Hilton looked up and smiled politely.

“You must be new,” the driver said.

“Yes, I’m Hilton,” she said, extending her hand. She refused to be snotty. She had done that once to a homely girl in her class when she was growing up and Gran had berated her for her unkindness and belligerence, for thinking herself better because she was lucky enough to be born pretty. Hilton had never forgotten that discussion. Unfortunately, being polite sometimes gave the impression she was interested. It was a difficult balance.

“I’m Dolores. Nice to meet you, Hilton. Do you order a lot of stuff?”

“Yes, computer stuff mostly. I’m kind of a tech geek.”

“You look pretty hip for a geek,” Dolores said.

Hilton wondered if this was a potential come-on. She smiled anyway. She could always pull her famous “I’ve got a lot on my plate right now” response if need be. It usually worked.

The break came and Anne signed off while the commercials set 34

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

in. She was on her way to the break room to get a cup of coffee.

Hilton watched as Anne arched her eyebrow as she passed by.

“So haven’t I seen you … out,” Dolores said.

The emphasis on the word out was code for gay bar. Hilton laughed. “Perhaps a time or two,” she replied coyly.

“I thought so,” Dolores said with a knowing smile.

Veronica came swishing by the reception desk. “Don’t you have packages to deliver?” she said curtly.

Dolores just smiled conspiratorially and leaned closer to Hilton. “Don’t touch that one.”

“Oh, no … really.”

“Grave mistake,” Dolores said.

“Girlfriend, what were you thinking?”

“What can I say? Momentary lapse of judgment. I’ll see you around, Hilton.”

” ‘Bye, Dolores.” Hilton made sure she said it loud enough for Veronica to hear. She knew they could be friends now because Hilton had treated her as a fellow hunter and not game. Besides, it appeared being nice to Dolores really pissed off Veronica so that made it all the better.

Hilton took the package back to the studio and sat on the leather couch in the anterior. The commercials were playing.

There was still station identification and thirty seconds of bumper music to get through. She opened the package to find the largest dildo she’d ever laid eyes on. It was dark purple. She pulled it out of the box and eyed it ominously.

“What the hell is that?” Dave asked, peeking out from the control room.

“It’s a dog toy,” Hilton said. She threw it to Shannon, who was still lying on the floor of the anterior underneath the huge brass ceiling fan. Luckily, Lillian was out having a cigarette.

“It looks more like a …” Dave said, wincing as Shannon chewed on the end of it.

“A penis?” Hilton said, finishing his sentence because he didn’t seem capable.

“Well, yeah.”

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

“It’s commonly referred to as a dildo.” Hilton took her seat in the control room.

“I didn’t realize they came that large,” Dave said, watching Shannon acutely.

“What d’ya mean? I thought all you guys were hung like horses,” Hilton teased.

“Not like that!” Dave replied. “That’s obscene.”

Hilton laughed.

“Who sent that?”

“My girlfriend,” Hilton said. “It’s a retort for a discussion we had that ended with me nailing her in the back of the head with a bar of soap.”

“Lemme guess, she caught you in the bath where you were held captive. Why do women do that?”

“Because we’re evil,” Hilton replied, thinking Nat must have headed straight to FedEx the evening before. She watched as Anne came back from the bathroom, still adjusting her pants.

“You’ve got to kind of tuck them down in your pants,” she noted. She bent down to scratch Shannon’s ears.

Hilton and Dave sat quiet as she looked at Shannon’s new chew toy.

Her face grew puzzled. “I didn’t realize chew toys came in that particular configuration,” she said, cocking her head to one side to get a better look.

“It’s new,” Dave said.

Lillian came back from her cigarette break just as Anne entered the booth. “What the hell is that! It looks like a giant penis.”

Both Dave and Hilton burst out laughing, and Dave nearly fell out of his chair.

Anne sat down in her booth and must have noticed the ruckus on the other side of the glass. She got up and looked at the dog toy again. “Is that what I think it is?” she said into the mike.

Dave was gasping and couldn’t respond.

“It’s a present from Natalie.”

“Do I want to know any more?” Anne asked.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

“Probably not,” Hilton replied.

The bumper music stopped and the show began. Anne took another call about the virtues of briefs versus boxers. “So let me get this straight, the package is more prominent in briefs than boxers?”

“Absolutely,” a flamboyant male voice said. “I mean, one should make the most of one’s, shall we say, accoutrements.”

“Gotcha,” Anne replied.

Dave was waving wildly at Hilton who was now in the anterior room with Shannon. Anne was still talking to the fag and gave Dave the “what’s up?” signal. Dave beeped in on her ISB, which allowed him to “talk in her ear” without the audience hearing.

“Tour group.”

Anne mouthed, “So?”

Dave pointed to Hilton, who was frantically attempting to retrieve the giant dildo from Shannon, who was having none of it.

The dildo was hers and she wasn’t giving it up without a fight.

Hilton had one end of it and Shannon was pulling fiercely on the other end.

“Thank you, caller, for your insights and now we’ve got some office business going on. Listeners, I believe I’ve been remiss in telling you about the new addition to our staff.”

Hilton stopped pulling for a moment and looked up at Anne, who waved.

“Her name is Hilton and she’s our new Webmistress. She’s a lesbian. I can tell you that because the entire Senate and I’m sure the House of Representatives and even our fair-haired son of a president has been informed of Hilton’s sexual orientation. I say orientation because I think preference is like I prefer cream in my coffee or I prefer French fries instead of mashed potatoes. One does not prefer to be a social pariah. One does not prefer to be ostracized, prefer to be an abomination, prefer to be cut off from one’s family, live outside of the law, face discrimination, worry about being a victim of hate crimes, et cetera! Oh, and all you people who are going to call in and tell me that all the homos 37

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

should be shipped off to Homoslavia, don’t bother, heard it all before. Lillian, our call screener, is a big old dyke who could kick your ass any day of the week. So homophobes need not apply here.”

“If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times I take the bus to work. I do not ride a bike,” Lillian screamed.

Hilton stopped what she was doing for a moment and asked Dave, “Why does she scream?” She and Shannon had inched closer to the control room and were still playing tug-of-war just outside the open door.

“I don’t know, maybe because she can’t hear, she thinks the rest of us can’t either,” he said, shrugging.

Hilton went back to wrestling with Shannon in a last-ditch attempt to gain control of the object of desire before the tour group made it down the hall. Anne didn’t seem too awfully concerned about the situation. Rather, she continued narrating the scene for her listeners.

“Hilton is a whiz kid with the computer and a looker for the ladies. I mean, she’s hot, and I say that from a straight woman’s perspective. Dave, our broadcast engineer, is going to lose one of his hands if he keeps sticking it in his mouth and biting it every time Hilton goes by. Don’t you dare,” Anne said, indicating that Dave was going to bleep that part out. “No editing is allowed. This is a freestyle show.”

Hilton let the remark pass unnoticed to let Dave save face.

Besides, she was still busy attempting to extricate the dildo from Shannon.

“Now, where was I before we were rudely interrupted by the broadcast engineer’s attempt at censorship. Anyway, Hilton is doing her best to extricate a giant purple dildo from her dog Shannon’s ferocious pearly whites. I mean, this dog is not going to let go. Shannon, for you dog-lovers out there, is a white Pyrenees that I’m thinking weighs at least a hundred pounds. Hilton might weigh a hundred pounds dripping wet. So who do you think is winning? My odds are on the dog. The aforementioned purple object—I don’t know how many times I can say dildo on the air 38

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

and not have the FCC threatening to rip out my vocal cords. So from now on the dildo—there, I did it again, somebody slap me—will be referred to as the aforementioned purple object. It was a present from Hilton’s girlfriend and I’m thinking it’s either a practical joke, a not very good one, or some kind of a sexual slur. I know this is because I’m a woman and women, in general, are vicious. I’m thinking we could exclude Mother Teresa and Betty White. That woman can’t have a mean bone in her body, even if she is Hollywood folk. She would bake Michael Moore some cookies, I’m thinking four dozen, maybe more if he asked her.

Anyway, it appears Hilton made the mistake of regifting the object to Shannon. Right now, I’m thinking Hilton would prefer to be anywhere but here. Hey, Hilton, didn’t anyone tell you possession is nine-tenths of the law? Oh, listeners, it gets better. The tour group headed up by our prim and proper producer, Veronica, is now coming by. This bunch of radio buffs are about to be treated to quite a sight. Now, for those of you who have never been to a radio station, let me describe it for you. We have the soundproof booth that I’m in and then we have the outside studio that houses the control room where the broadcast engineer and the call screener sit, and then there is a big picture window at the back of the studio that allows the rest of the world to spy on us. Oh, yes, here we go. Hilton has almost won the tug-of-war. The group has stopped. Some of the older women are looking at the aforementioned item with a mixture of awe and wonder. Perhaps they’re thinking that their husbands are not so well-endowed after all.

That six-inch rule is coming to fruition, gentlemen.”

Hilton saw Anne stand up and wave genially to her audience.

Hilton was still tugging when Shannon obviously lost concentration and let go of the desired object. Unfortunately, Hilton was unaware of this new development. She ended up flat on her back holding the dildo straight up in the air. Anne quickly signaled for a break because she was laughing so hard she couldn’t speak. Dave’s face was so red he looked like he might need oxygen. Lillian sighed in disgust as she stepped over Hilton and went outside to have another cigarette. Hilton could have rolled over and died.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

Anne took the dildo from her, dog slime and all, and studied it.

“My God! This is impressive. Hilton, you’ve done something I’ve never been able to do.”

Hilton sat up. “What’s that?”

“Embarrass Veronica to the very core of her being.”

Dave started to breath again. “Not to mention I’ve got it all on video.”

“How the hell did you do that?” Hilton asked.

“I disconnected the cam to Anne’s booth and plugged in the extra one you’d brought. It was really quite simple. Sorry, boss, but I had to make an executive decision and what was happening here was obviously more important.”

“Good call. Remind me to put you both in for a Christmas bonus.”

“I can’t wait for the Christmas party,” Dave said, quickly going back to the control room. He checked the board and put on the bottom-of-the-hour news and weather.

Anne, Hilton and Dave were lounging in the studio on the couch after the show when Ed walked into the room. All antics stopped and Shannon did what Hilton wished she could do—creep into the control room and crawl under the nearest desk. Hilton mouthed the word “coward.” Shannon just whimpered. Hilton figured this was the end of her radio career.

Ed stood in the middle of the room while the suspense built.

His stern face erupted into a smile. He started clapping. “Good show. The only casualty was Veronica getting her knickers in a twist, and I suspect they’re always a little askew, but we got good feedback. Veronica is insisting that I put out a memo that forbids certain paraphernalia on the studio floor.”

“I can live with that,” Anne said.

Hilton and Dave nodded in unison. Ed winked at them. He left, shutting the door behind him.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

They all broke down into fits of laughter.

“Let me see that thing,” Anne said.

“You try getting it away from Shannon,” Hilton said. She sat down and took a deep breath.

Later that afternoon, Hilton sat on the steps of the back porch.

She liked her new schedule. She basically worked from eight-thirty to two, depending on how well the Web site update went. She was alone in the house for once. Liz and Jessie were still in class and Nat was nowhere to be found. The flower gardens had long gone to seed except for the hardy vincas, which ended up being tall on stem and short on flowers. Still, their shiny dark green leaves gave some color to the vast array of browns and yellows. The Chinese dogwood trees that lined the back fence had littered the lawn with burgundy leaves. Fall was in the air and for the first time in her life Hilton felt grownup. She didn’t know exactly what it was or how it came to be. But she felt sort of responsible.

Maybe the evil bitch Veronica was right about dressing for success. Maybe it was time to change her femi-nazi attire and give the business world a try. She wasn’t a college kid anymore. Although she wasn’t entirely sure what she wanted to do with the rest of her life, maybe it was time to leave off parties, getting laid and generally shirking responsibility. She wondered if her extended child-hood may have had something to do with Gran dying. If the old woman had still been alive, the house shenanigans would never have evolved to their current state and Hilton would have been expected to have a grownup career by now.

She looked over at Shannon, who was unmercifully chewing off the head of the dildo. Hilton inwardly flinched as she relived the day’s episode. Thank God Anne had a sense of humor.

“What’s up?” Liz asked as she came around the corner lugging a giant book bag.

“Boy, I don’t miss that,” Hilton said, pointing to the knapsack.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

“I’ll say. Why the hell are textbooks so, I don’t know, substantial? I swear they’re trying to kill us off before we have a chance to graduate.” She plopped down next to Hilton on the porch steps.

“They are. The professors want to make sure they don’t have any up-and-coming competition.”

“With tenure they have no worries. My God, when will the old farts retire?”

“How’s your new job at the computer lab?”

“It’s pretty good. I’m basically being paid to baby-sit. I have to make sure everyone has a spill-proof cup and that no one carts off a computer.” Liz pointed at Shannon’s new toy. “What is that?”

“It’s a dildo that’s approximately ten minutes from the trash can.”

Shannon barked in protest and put a protective paw over it.

“She has a larger vocabulary than some of my peers.”

“I think you’re forgetting who’s the alpha dog here.” Hilton pointed a finger at Shannon, who appeared to make a point of ignoring her.

“Why is she chewing on a dildo?”

Hilton relayed the story, which left Liz sputtering and wiping her eyes on her shirt sleeve.

“Can I see the video?”

“No!” Hilton said.

“How about if I make my famous lasagna, garlic bread and a tossed salad with red vinegar and oil dressing with fresh parme-san—and a nice bottle of Merlot.”

Hilton groaned. “You know I’m a complete whore for good food.” It was almost five-thirty and she hadn’t had any lunch.

“Video?”

“After dinner.”

“Deal. Oh, I can hardly wait. I better get started,” Liz said, getting up quickly.

They heard the rumble of the Harley as it pulled up in the driveway.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

“I hope she’s wearing a helmet,” Liz said.

“She better be because I’m not wiping her ass when she’s a paraplegic.”

“Hilton!”

“Hey,” Nat said as she came around the corner of the house.

“Tell me you wear a helmet when you’re on that bike,” Liz demanded.

“Sherry makes me.” Nat sat on the grass next to Shannon and scratched her ears.

Hilton glared at Shannon, who appeared not to notice. It was if she were saying, “You may be mad at her but I’m not.”

“How chivalrous.” Hilton sniffed.

“Is that—?” Nat said, noticing the badly mangled dildo.

“Yes, as a matter of fact it is. Shannon adores it.”

Hilton watched as Liz’s face grew tense. It didn’t seem to bother Nat in the least.

“Now, that must have been a sight walking down the street.”

Nat picked up the dildo, examined it and then gave it back to Shannon.

“Better yet, at the office. It’s grotesque.”

“Wait until you see the video of them—Hilton, Shannon, the dildo and the tour group,” Liz said. Hilton gave her a look, to which she responded, “It’s probably all over the Internet by now.”

“It’s not,” Hilton said emphatically.

“Video of them doing what?” Nat asked.

“Never mind,” Hilton said.

Nat pouted. “You’re still mad at me? I was the one who got nailed with the soap. I still have a bump on the back of my head.”

She rubbed the spot for emphasis.

“If I remember correctly you tried to electrocute me.” Hilton twitched and quivered for effect.

“You didn’t tell me that!” Liz said, giving Nat an accusatory glance as she leaned against the worn railings of the small porch.

“Oh, did I forget to mention that?” Nat said coyly.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

“You did.”

“Come on, can’t we get past that?” Nat got up off the grass and sat next to Hilton on the porch.

“You slept with her,” Hilton said.

Nat smiled. “Now we’re even, aren’t we?”

“I’ll go start dinner,” Liz said. She closed the screen door quietly behind her.

Hilton didn’t say anything. Nat took her hand. “Why do we have to be like this?”

“Because you have a phobia about commitment.”

“I do not!”

“Then why do you date other people?”

Nat appeared to be thinking. Hilton waited.

“Because I can,” Nat ventured.

Hilton sighed. “That’s lame. Try again.”

“Because I love you too much to lose you, but monogamy isn’t good for a relationship. Because my parents have such a hideous relationship that it frightens me. Because I have an inadequate sense of self—”

Hilton cut her short. “Oh, please, you probably have a little black book filled with these lines. They’re out of some psychology class you took in your first year of college.”

“They are not. I’m sorry I made such a stink about your latest liaison. I was totally out of line.”

“Great.”

“What?” Nat pulled out a cigarette from her knapsack.

“I just want us to have a normal relationship.”

Nat lit her cigarette and laughed. “Listen, normal equates to misery. Look at our friends. At best they tolerate each other. What we’ve got is a lot better. I should never have said anything about the neighbor. I broke our cardinal rule, and for that I prostrate myself and beg your forgiveness.”

“Please,” Hilton said. She studied Nat as she smoked her cigarette. It dawned on her that Nat had no sense of danger, of consequence, of anything beyond today. Tomorrow didn’t matter and 44

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

when it did she’d worry about it then. It was sort of like some pol-luted, warped kind of Zen. All that mattered was this moment and perhaps the next five minutes. The rest was irrelevant. What was past was finished. What was future was too mercurial to worry about. Hilton took Nat’s hand. “Maybe you’ll love me totally when you’re old and wrinkly and no one else wants you.” She could smell the pasta cooking and the pungent smell of spaghetti sauce.

Nat laughed. “You know I probably will. Now, let’s go check on dinner.”

They ambled inside. Liz looked down at their joined hands and Hilton could sense her relief. All was right with the family again.

For now, Hilton thought.

All content of this eBook is copyrighted.

 

 



Date: 2015-04-20; view: 726


<== previous page | next page ==>
Chapter Two | Chapter Four
doclecture.net - lectures - 2014-2024 year. Copyright infringement or personal data (0.048 sec.)