Chapter 18

Exhausted and not sure that his legs would hold him any longer, he fell back in the chair, taking her with him. He held her with one arm. With the other he reached back and opened a window to erase the scent of their lovemaking.

He leaned his head back while Elizabeth buried her face against his neck, clutching his shirt tightly in her small fists, both of them panting hard. It was several minutes before either one of them could move or talk.

Robert squeezed his eyes shut and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. He’d messed up again. Never before had he ever been tempted to finish in a woman. Hell, he’d never been in a woman without using a sheath and pulling out to guarantee no children. This was the third time he’d been inside of Elizabeth without taking any precautions.

It had been five weeks since that night in the orangery. Was she carrying his child? Would she have told him? He squeezed his eyes tighter as he pressed a kiss to her forehead. As much as he’d like to avoid this topic, he had to know. Elizabeth was a smart woman. If she were carrying their child, she would have told him. Surely she would have. Even if she hated him, she would tell him, wouldn’t she? Before anger could surface he shoved it down.

He had to at least ask even if he already knew the answer. She wasn’t carrying his child. This time probably wouldn’t be enough to get her with child either. This had been a mistake, a pleasurable one, but a mistake nonetheless. It would not, could not, happen again. He was leaving the country soon and she was heading for an estate somewhere up north. After this they would probably never see each other again. His arms tightened around her at the thought.

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Elizabeth inhaled deeply, closing her eyes. She wanted to remember him this way, the way he held her, the way he touched her, the way he looked at her like she was the most precious thing on earth. All those childhood memories didn’t matter any longer. She needed to remember the man that had held her tightly and kissed her tenderly in the orangery.

When their child asked about his father, she wanted to be able to tell him kind things. Their child? She sobbed softly in the crook of his neck before she could stop herself. When had she finally accepted that she was pregnant?

She needed to tell him, she realized, but how? They’d made love, but she knew that men were able to have sex without their hearts being involved. She also knew without question that Robert hated her. She’d always known that and these foolish mistakes didn’t change anything. She also knew that he’d hate her more when she told him, because he would do the right thing.

No matter what kind of mean little boy he’d been, he was without question an honorable man now. He would marry her and, for the rest of their lives, he would resent her for trapping him in a loveless marriage. She’d be forced to live with a man that she cared deeply about and know that she’d stolen his freedom, his choice. She would hate herself. She just needed some time to figure this out.

If only she could determine how he felt about her and, if she discovered that he did truly hate her, then she would do what she had to in order to protect their child. She would tell him and live with the consequences of a loveless marriage. She just needed a little time to figure out how to tell him. She should tell him now, she realized that, but she was just…..

She was scared, terrified really.

What if Robert couldn’t force himself to do the right thing? What if his hatred for her was too strong? What if she couldn’t go through with marrying a man who didn’t love her? There were too many “ifs” in this situation and it made her wish that she had someone that she could confide in, but there was no one.

Her mother would have a fit. She’d most likely turn her back on her for bringing shame to their family. She was ruined, unwed and pregnant. Her mother would tell her father, who would either shoot Robert or force him to marry her and that was not the way that she wanted this handled. She was sorely tempted to go to Mary at once and tell her, but that would end in the same tragic manner. Only it would probably be Anthony that shot Robert and not her father.

Perhaps it would be best to think this through and to be sure that she was carrying a child. She’d never been pregnant before and had no idea of what to expect. There was no one to ask. That last thought turned her stomach. Realizing they were still intimately connected, she carefully climbed off him. He seemed hesitant to release her, but did after a slight pause.

Without a word they both stood and fixed their clothes. Robert ran his fingers through his hair, trying to fix it even though he’d rather keep it the way it was as a reminder of having her in his arms once again.

Elizabeth cleared her throat. “I should go upstairs and freshen up before tea.”

Robert met her eyes briefly before looking away. “Elizabeth?”

“Yes?” She didn’t look up from straightening her skirts, too afraid that she’d break down and tell him before she was ready.

In a quiet, rough voice he asked, “Have your courses come since the night of the orangery.”

Intense heat flooded her cheeks. She turned away from him not in embarrassment surprisingly, but fear. If he found out, what would he do? She just stopped herself from laying her hand across her stomach. He’d taken her virginity and it was his child in her womb. Technically she now belonged to him, she realized. Fury rose up in her at the idea. She would not belong to him or any other man, she decided rebelliously. She refused to be some man’s property, having to ask and beg for everything. She didn’t want to be married to a man who didn’t love her even if she loved him.

“That’s a vulgar question even for you,” she said crossly, avoiding answering the question the only way she knew how.

Robert’s eyes narrowed on her. She’d avoided answering the question the same way she had when they were children and she was caught doing something mischievous. But that was ridiculous. If she were pregnant she would tell him. She was a smart woman. She knew the consequences of having a child out of wedlock. She would be shunned and the child would carry the burden of the shame for the rest of his life. Unless….

His gaze shot to the closed door. Was she planning on marrying James to give his child a father? He ground his teeth until the muscles in his jaw burned under the pressure.

“Are you carrying my child?” he bit out, deciding to end whatever game she was playing.

“No.” I’m carrying my child, she thought as she tried to get a rein on the rebellious emotions clamoring for control inside of her. It was the only way she could lie. Everyone knew that she was a terrible liar, sometimes though she was able to lie if she thought about the answer in a different way. As much as she hated the idea of marrying for anything less than love, she also hated the idea of trapping him. She cared about him too much to do that and she didn’t want to hurt him. She just needed some time to figure out how to tell him without him hating her. One thing was clear, she needed to leave before anyone else figured out that she was pregnant and took the decision on how to tell him out of her hands.

Robert studied her expression for a moment longer. She was a bad liar, he remembered that much. He was hoping he would be able to tell, but he couldn’t. He sighed heavily. “Listen, we…..I didn’t do what I should have and there may be…” he took a deep breath before continuing. “There may be a child as a result of what we did today. In a month’s time we should know.”

Her eyes widened in horror. “I won’t be here, Robert. I’m leaving by the end of the week.”

He shook his head. “No, you’re staying until we know for sure.” He gestured back to the desk. “And we most certainly will not be doing this again.” It sounded like the last part pained him, but she had to agree that it was probably for the best.

Elizabeth placed her hands firmly on her hips. “No, I am leaving. If something happens because of this, I will write you,” she said, realizing that it was the cowardly way to handle this and that was fine with her. She’d rather not be there to see the horror in his eyes when he learned that he was trapped with her for life.

“No. You’re staying,” he said firmly. He didn’t trust her to contact him for some reason that he couldn't quite put his finger on. Also, he wasn’t ready for her to leave, not yet.

She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply before continuing. “Robert, I am going. I have been waiting for weeks to go and I refuse to put this off any longer.”

“You’ll stay,” he ordered. “Besides, it doesn’t seem as though your father is going to allow you to leave anytime soon. Seems he has plans for you,” he snapped, anger once again rising at the thought of her marrying James.

“You don’t have the right to tell me what to do!”

He took a menacing step towards her. “You will stay!”

“I’m leaving!” she yelled.

“The hell you are! You will stay until we get this whole mess settled. Once that is done, you can stay the hell away from my family!” He took another step until they were mere inches apart. She pressed her hands flat against his chest and shoved him, but he didn’t budge.

“I will go near whomever I wish and it is none of your concern who I marry. If I chose to marry James, that will be none of your business either!” She had absolutely no plans on marrying James, but that seemed the best thing to throw in his face at the moment.

He glared down at her. Perhaps she’d gone too far because at the moment she was pretty sure that he was seeing red.

“You will never marry my brother,” he said in a low harsh tone. “If you even try, I will make sure everyone knows who had you first. I’ll tell them how you took me in your body and in your mo-”

She cut him off with a hard slap across his face. The sound seemed intense in the otherwise quiet library. This time when she shoved him back he moved.

“I hate you!” she ground out between clenched teeth as she wiped frantically at the tears streaming down her cheeks. She shoved her hand in her pocket and pulled out his knife. She threw it out the open window before he could take it from her. “Stay away from me or so help me God, I will make you pay,” she choked out before she ran from the room.

She pressed a hand to her stomach, pleading with it to calm down long enough for her to reach her room as she ran upstairs, ignoring the servants’ curious glances as she past them. No sooner was she in her room than she lost the battle with her stomach. She raced across the room, past Jane, who was hanging a dress, and grabbed the chamber pot. She lost the contents of her stomach once again, not able to stop herself and knowing as she did it that the servant in her room might very well seal her fate.

Date: 2015-04-20; view: 540