CHAPTER THIRTY

Love will make you reckless. It can drag out parts of you that common sense and fear usually keep hidden away. Because love is selfless and selfish. Heading toward that statue proved just how selfless I was going to have to be if I wanted to win Beck back. When I walked onto the MIT campus and stumbled upon a sight that made my heart stop, I didn’t turn around even though my feet didn’t want to keep carrying me forward. I had to be brave for Beck.

I kept pushing past people, contemplating the fact that there was a crowd waiting around the statue that could have rivaled the attendance of a rock concert. Everyone was milling about, holding my flyers and talking animatedly. The closer I attempted to get to the statue, the more condensed the crowd became.

Sammy’s wide eyes confirmed my fears. My heart hammered against my chest, deafening the sounds of the crowd. Whatever was about to happen wouldn’t be private. There were cell phones, cameras, and one thousand memories that would forever capture my inevitable heartache.

“ Are all these people here because of the letter you put up yesterday?” Sammy asked, clutching onto my elbow so we wouldn’t get pulled apart in the crowd.

“ I have no clue,” I answered in a daze. But the closer to the statue we pushed, the more I realized that whatever bravery I thought I needed would have to be doubled.

“ I’m not sure I can do this.” I shook out my hands, feeling a panic starting to rise. I didn’t think people would care. I was scared no one would even read the letter. But this? The fact that so many people were curious about the outcome made my stomach twist into a tight pretzel.

“ Abby,” Sammy looked down at her watch. “You’ve still got fifteen minutes. Let’s just walk closer to the statue and you can decide when we get up there.” Her suggestion seemed reasonable enough. No one knew I was the girl from the flyer yet, they just thought we wanted front row seats. We kept pushing, getting some angry stares from people who’d clearly been waiting for quite some time. I didn’t know what to say. I tried to hide my blushing cheeks and keep my head down until we finally pushed our way through to the other side.

The statue was an island stuck smack-dab in the center of no man’s land. No one wanted to get too close. I peered toward Sammy wearily, but her eyes were wide and she kept shaking her head in disbelief. I wondered if she thought her first day at college would be quite so interesting.

Why had all these people come? Maybe since classes hadn’t started yet, no one had anything better to do? I should have planned better. Maybe my mom was right about calling him instead. I pulled my phone out of my purse and looked down to see a blank screen. If he’d seen the flyer, would he have called me already?

“ Abby, you only have five minutes now, do you think you should…?” Her eyes darted from me to the statue, then back again. She couldn’t finish the sentence because she knew how insane it was.

I pocketed my phone and puffed out a breath. My hands felt clammy. Sammy nudged my arm and I realized I was still standing there, not deciding what to do. I either had to move forward, or leave and try something else.

I didn’t think I’d be able to do it.

But then I locked eyes with the distinguished professor from the day before, the one who could have turned me into the authorities. He was across the circle, watching me with a half smile and I couldn’t help but gape. It may seem strange considering I barely knew him, and I hardly knew Sammy, but having them both there made me feel like I wasn’t so alone. Maybe they’d have my back if people started throwing rotten tomatoes or something at me.

You know that feeling when you’re about to jump into a cold pool? You realize that it will be freezing and that you just have to hold your breath and get it over with. There’s a moment when you’re on the ledge and your heart leaps in your chest and then before you realize it, you’re bending your knees and jumping whether you consciously decided to or not? That’s what happened when I took my first step into the circle. It was a baby step, but my body took it as an approval on my part, and before I knew it, I was halfway to the statue. My body was proceeding as planned and my brain was screaming for me to retreat, to get out while I still could.

The crowd erupted into whispers and shouts, but the conversations were nothing more than background noise. Everyone’s faces blurred into nothingness as I walked toward the statue. It greeted me with silence, and I stepped inside, just past the entrance.

I peered over to see Sammy give me a thumbs up before I squeezed my eyes shut. When I pried them open again, I stared into the crowd without seeing anyone. They were all a blur of skin tones and clothing. My fingers darted up to the tiny locket lying on top of my shirt. I fingered the gold heart, thinking of the flea market and the old ladies that condemned our kissing.

I could feel my heart beating in my throat. Each beat felt like it was another step closer to my impending doom. Thump. He’s not coming. Thump. He’s probably not even at MIT. Thump. What if he has a girlfriend? Thump.

“ I think I’m the person you wrote about in your note,” I heard a voice mutter confidently. My stomach dropped and I whipped my head around to see a stranger standing a few feet in front of me. He was tall and lanky; he wore Converse and a trendy pair of glasses. But he was definitely not Beck.

“ Um,” I muttered awkwardly. I hadn’t considered what would happen if someone other than Beck came forward. “Are you joking?”

His face split into a smile. “All I’m saying is that if your guy doesn’t show up, I’d be more than happy to fill his shoes.”

Wow. I couldn’t even process his request because in a matter of seconds a bevy of guys stepped forward to offer their proverbial glass slippers as well. They each wanted a piece of the limelight. It would have been beyond flattering to assume they meant their proclamations, but I knew it had more to do with their twenty-year-old brains. Their need for attention and approval from the female population meant that they were willing to step forward so that they could brag about it over dinner in the dorm cafeterias later.

I tried to smile at them, but I was too nervous. The attention was too much and I balled my fists next to my legs to keep from running.

“ You can’t give up. I’ll be the guy,” one shouted from the crowd.

They meant well, but their sweet jokes told me one thing. It was past six pm and Beck hadn’t showed up. That’s why they stepped forward. They were trying to help me in a pitiful way. I ran the heel of my palm against my chest, trying to break the tightness that had suddenly formed there. I felt like my heart was constricting and I blinked my eyes in quick succession. My hands fell limp to my side and I took a small step out of the statue.

He hadn’t seen the note. Or if he had, he wasn’t going to come. Everyone was watching me with piteous faces. I didn’t want their pity. I wanted Beck to be at MIT still. I wanted fate to be on my side for once. I wanted to be able to erase the pain from last year. But I couldn’t have my cake and eat it too. I gave Beck up so that he could follow his dream, and that’s the way it had to end.

It was over.

I raised my gaze, trying to find the distinguished man in the crowd. It only took a moment; he was the only person there beyond the age of twenty-five. His eyes locked with mine and he shrugged his shoulders, as if to tell me that it would be okay. I bit down on my lip, trying not to cry. It felt like I’d let him and Sammy down somehow.

Seconds turned into minutes and people began to realize the show was over. Some of them looked disappointed, but most of the people didn’t care all that much. It was like watching a reality show to them. The fair-weather guys in the center patted my shoulder and turned back to find their friends. Each one of them leaving me as quickly as they’d stepped forward. Converse guy didn’t turn right away. I think out of everyone, he might have been serious about his proposition, and for that I was grateful. Without him, I would be crawling along rock bottom, but instead I was dangling by a limb just a few feet away from it. That counted for something.

“ Thank you,” I muttered toward him with a tight smile. It felt forced and I knew he could tell.

“ Yeah, I really meant—”

His voice faded out as my gaze drifted to where his Converse rested on the concrete. Directly beneath his left foot there was a small white arrow chalked onto the sidewalk. A few feet in front of that one, I noticed another. They were leading away from the statue.

No freaking way.

I didn’t pause to let the moment sink in; I followed the arrows and pushed my way through the crowd. Most of them followed after me, but I picked up my pace, keeping my nose to the ground. The arrows led me around the back of the statue and passed the campus library. Some of the arrows were rubbed almost completely clean from foot traffic, but I kept connecting the dots until I turned a corner and arrived in front of an expansive field. The field was in the center of the undergrad dorms, but at that moment there was only a single person occupying the sprawling space.

The first thing I saw was that brown hair glistening in the sun and curling right around his ears like always. My hands shot to my mouth and the world slowed to a crawl. For a moment we stood there, frozen, but then someone gently pushed me from behind and I realized I had to keep going. I took a deep breath and stepped up onto the grass. We were yards away from each other, but he started walking to meet me half way.

My breath hitched when we were close enough for me to see his hazel eyes brimmed with dark lashes and swirling with green madness. His flawless features, confident air, dimpled smile. Everything was there, just like I’d imagined every night for the past year. A spontaneous laugh escaped my lips as we stopped a foot away from each other.

He nodded, as if convincing himself that it was really me.

It was my Beck. My Beck, just as I’d left him.

His gaze held utter amazement and I couldn’t temper the tears running down my cheeks. To see him, smiling and present. To know that in the middle of a thousand people, he was still the one person who could turn my world into a splash of color.

When he spoke, I could tell he was flustered. His voice hung on a nervous tone and his gaze teetered between my features, as if he wasn’t sure where to concentrate.

“ I was the guy who should have never left and you were the girl who should have found me earlier.” My hands gripped my mouth as I started to cry harder. They weren’t even cute tears; just ugly, uncontrollably happy tears. I couldn’t pull myself together no matter how much I tried.

His hands reached out to capture the back of my neck, hitting the spot that made goose bumps bloom down my body. I took a step forward, placing my hands against his hard chest. He pressed closer to me.

“ Do you want to know why I followed you into that funeral parlor?”

I titled my head, recalling our first encounter like it was yesterday. “You said you followed me on a whim,” I answered with a small smile.

“ That’s the truth, but there’s more to it.” He ran his hands down my arms to entwine them with mine. “I was parking at the gas station across the street and I saw you get out of your car. I didn’t think much of it until you paused on your way inside the shop. You tilted your head toward the sun and closed your eyes, like a prisoner stepping outside after years of being locked away. It seemed so odd. No one just stops and appreciates life like that— but you did. I could see your smile from across the street and I couldn’t look away. I knew in that moment that I was completely uninterested in pursuing a life in which I didn’t cross that street and meet you.”

I wiped my tears from my cheek and furrowed my brow in recollection. He was referring to the moment I felt truly free for the first time in my life. The first time I took a step toward beginning my little adventure.

His words made my apology lodge in my throat.

“ I’m sorry I made you leave,” I sputtered.

“ Abby— ”

“ I had to get healthy for you. For me.” I stared at my hands resting against the cotton of his shirt. I liked feeling his heart thumping against his chest at the exact rhythm as mine. “I had to figure out what I wanted to do with my life.” I had so much to catch him up on.

He nodded, and the movement brought my gaze back toward his eyes. When he finally spoke, the edge of his mouth quirked up. “I liked your headline.”

I laughed; pressing my face to his chest and inhaling the scent that I’d wanted to bottle up months and months ago. “Good enough to be on your UIL team?” I smiled into his chest.

He shifted his hands to push my hair away from my face, and then he left his hands on either side of my temples. He gently tilted my head back so that I had to look up at him.

“ Are you making a joke right now because you’re too chicken to tell me you love me in front of all these people?” he asked, his confident grin as smooth as honey.

I wanted to tell him. But I had things that were on the tip of my tongue and I couldn’t wait another moment to share them. “I want to be a writer. I got accepted into BU.”

His mouth dropped open. He scrunched his eyebrows together, a disbelieving smile halting his confidence. His head tilted to the side and he huffed out a breath, trying to catch up. “You’re staying in Boston? You’re staying here?” He pointed to the ground and I laughed at his amazement. But I guess that’s exactly how I felt as well.

“ I came for you.” I paused, sucking in a shaky breath. “I love you, Beck…I needed you to follow your dreams so that I could follow mine alongside you.”

He clenched his jaw and I could tell he was trying to keep it together. His hand trembled in my hair and I reached up to lace my fingers around his forearm.

“ I love you, too.”

And then, like always, he kissed me when I least expected. He bent forward and pressed his lips to mine. He stole my breath with a kiss that held everything we’d buried deep within us for so long. My arms wrapped around his neck, and his arms tightened around my back so that we were pressed together. We would have stayed there all day, wrapped up in each other, but I heard the students erupt with applause and cheers.

Beck pulled away from me laughing, then looked around us and lifted my hand into the air like I was a fighter who’d won a match. He fell forward into a little bow and everyone started cheering more. I was laughing and crying. My face was splotchy and I tried to fan away my emotions, though it was impossible.

“ Let’s get out of here,” Beck whispered in my ear, and I looked up into his eyes. The gravity of the situation hadn’t sunk in yet. It felt like a lucid dream. I had to know that he was real, that I wouldn’t wake up.

I looked over to find Sammy. “My roommate is here. She just got to Boston today so I don’t want to leave without her. ” She was standing off to the side of the field by herself, smiling at me, but obviously a little out of her element. I didn’t want to abandon her. There was something in her that spoke so close to my soul. Maybe we were both just shy vegetarians, but it felt like I should take care of her like Caroline would have taken care of me.

Beck followed my line of sight and nodded. “That’s okay. We can walk back with her to your dorm and then maybe go somewhere, just you and me?”

A shiver ran down my spine at the idea of being alone with him again.

He reached for my hand, but just before we left, I twisted around to look for the professor one last time. I’d lost track of him when I’d followed the arrows, but I felt like I owed him a thank you. Most of the crowd had dispersed by then, but I found him leaning against an oak tree a few yards away from the field.

I smiled and gave him a little wave. He bent his head in a small nod and turned in the opposite direction.

Date: 2015-02-16; view: 368