CHAPTER TEN

I woke up the next morning tangled in Beck. My legs were wrapped around him, his hand was under my shirt, wrapped around the side of my torso, and my arms were hugging his chest. I froze immediately for fear that he would wake up and assume that I was mauling him in his sleep.

My thoughts went something like this: Mmm this feels good, he’s so hot, OH MY GOD I’m practically feeling him up, GET OFF HIM . I decided that the best idea was to move away from him like someone would rip off a band-aid. I counted down in my head. Three, two, one. Then I rolled away from him in one quick motion. Except I overcompensated because I was nervous and a little turned on from his zero percent body fat, so I ended up slipping off the bed and hitting my head on the wall as my body thumped onto the ground.

“ Ouch!” I howled, pressing a hand to my forehead.

“ Abby?” Beck asked with a hazy tone.

“ Yes. No. Just go back to sleep.” I stayed crouched on the ground, hoping he would go back to sleep and I could tend to my pride in peace. But a moment later, a head of messy brown hair peeked over the side of the bed. He had a silly grin and was blinking his eyes open one at a time. The expression on his face told me that he knew exactly what happened.

“ You’d rather sleep on the floor than next to me?” he asked, but his words were muffled by the blanket.

I shrugged and pushed to my feet. “You’re a blanket hog.” Yeah, good job, Abby. That sounded much cooler than you really are.

“ Is that why you needed to cuddle me for warmth?” he asked, stealing my smugness.

“ I don’t know what you mean by ‘cuddling’,” I lied, rifling through my clothes, trying to distract myself from his gaze. “But I’m going to go down and eat breakfast.”

“ Okay. I’m going to go for a quick run.”

“ Sounds good. I have some things to do as well. Want to just meet at the beach?”

Beck agreed and I went into the bathroom to change into my bathing suit and cover up. By the time I was done, he’d already left for his run.

I grabbed my beach gear and the black urn before heading down to grab a banana and some granola from the hotel’s breakfast bar. I wasn’t sure where I would attempt to spread the ashes considering we’d slept in so late that the beach was already crowded. Could you imagine if I opened the urn and the ashes spread out all over some kid’s sandcastle or a family’s beach picnic? I was tempted to try it just to see the madness that would ensue, but it seemed too cruel even for my dark humor. Instead, I hiked my beach tote higher on my shoulder and set out to find a more private location.

The moment I stepped outside, a wild breeze picked up strands of my hair and whipped them around. I walked down onto the sand and stuffed my sandals into my bag so I could feel the warmth beneath my feet. In a few hours the sand would be unbearably hot, but now it just comforted my soles as I walked along the shoreline.

I passed so much life on the edge of that ocean. Happy kids running toward the water and then stopping abruptly at the edge and squealing with excitement. Would I have screamed like that if I was healthy enough to go to the beach when I was that young?

Almost a mile away from our hotel I found a long fishing pier. There weren’t any fishermen on it. Maybe the water was too choppy or maybe it wasn’t fishing season. I had no clue. All that mattered was that I could traverse the wooden planks and have a perfect spot to spread some of the ashes. I dropped my bag and retrieved the urn. The tape was already starting to curl back from the edge, but I prayed that it would stay intact for the rest of the trip.

After a peek behind me to make sure I was truly alone, I peeled back the tape and popped the lid off. As soon as that urn opened, the wind picked up the particles of ash resting at the very top. I titled the urn a smidgen to the side and even more particles were carried off over the water. The ocean was a much better place to spread ashes than the center of the woods.

I watched the ashes twinkle in the sunlight. Most of them dropped to the surface of the water, but the wind swirled some around and around, taking them farther from the pier. No words or prayers came to mind, but a feeling settled in my stomach. Freedom. I smiled wide watching the symbols of my oppression being carried away by nature’s invisible force.

By the time I found a spot under an umbrella near our hotel, Beck still hadn’t arrived. Was he running a marathon or something? I pulled out my SPF 100 sunblock and peeled off my cover-up. I could already see a slight red glow dotting my thighs and shoulders. The perks of pale skin were endless.

Just as I was adjusting my navy bikini top, I heard Beck approaching. His signature laugh drifted toward me and I turned to see him talking to a girl I recognized from the hotel breakfast bar. How did he meet girls so quickly? I hadn’t come across one guy in nineteen years that seemed interested in me, yet it seemed as if girls approached him daily. Maybe I was playing for the wrong team. Maybe being a lesbian would be easier.

“ Yeah, hopefully we can make it.” I heard him telling the girl. Wait, what?

“ We?” she asked, and I quickly turned back around, hoping they hadn’t noticed me watching. Squeeze the lotion and put it on your arm like a normal person would do . I ended up squeezing it too hard and the lotion darted a few feet to the left, landing on the protruding belly of an old man sleeping. Oops.

“ Me and my friend, Abby.”

“ Oh,” the girl answered with a dejected sigh. “Okay, sure. It’ll start around eight.”

Yeah, whore. That’s me, his friend , Abby. Then the realization hit. Was I freaking friend-zoned?

“ Alright, cya.”

Oh god, I knew he was walking toward me then. I busied myself with reading the ingredients on the back of my organic sunscreen. Zinc Oxide, zinc oxide, zinc oxide. Beck plopped down next to me, jostling my shoulder slightly.

“ Oh hi, Beck! I didn’t see you there.” My voice was an octave higher than usual and my smile exuded fake sweetness.

He gave me an odd look and then nodded back to where he was just standing.

“ That girl is staying in our hotel. She invited us to a bonfire tonight on the beach.”

“ We or you?” I asked, and then instantly regretted my jealously. Why did I care? Beck could make out with her in the bonfire for all I cared, right? I uncapped the sunscreen and started lathering it down my arms.

“ We’re a packaged deal, Abby. Need some help?”

I almost refused, but Caroline’s face popped into my head. She would have yelled at me for turning him down. “Oh, sure. I’ve only done my arms.” I could feel my heart rate pick up and my hand shook a bit too obviously as I handed the bottle over. I’d watched enough movies to realize that a guy offering to put sunscreen on you meant that in about ten seconds he would accidentally untie my bikini top and then we’d have raunchy beach sex. Was I prepared for public sex? I hadn’t yet mastered private sex. Or, you know, anything past making out.

My breath caught when his hand hit my back. His touch felt sensual and warm, but not in an inappropriate way. He wasn’t trying to give me a massage or anything; it was just the way my body reacted to him. It felt like his palm was setting my skin on fire. I told myself it was the sunburn already sinking into my shoulders. Yep, that feeling was from the sun, not Beck.

“ How far did you run?” I croaked, trying to fill the silence.

“ Just six miles,” he answered, moving to the bottom of my bikini strings. His hands slipped under to make sure I didn’t get burned if my top shifted. It made my entire body buzz with nervous energy. I heard myself moan under my breath. What the hell? Did he hear that? Distract him.

“ Just?” I stumbled over the word like I was learning to speak for the first time. “I could maybe run one-tenth of a mile.”

“ We’ll get you training soon enough.”

I grunted with my disapproval.

“ I ran track in high school and college. Obviously MIT isn’t known for athletics, but it helped me stay in shape while I was hunkered down in the library for ten hours at a time.”

I imagined him wearing glasses, holding a book, and running with no shirt on. “If you become a vegetarian after our trip, I’ll go running with you tomorrow morning. Wait, no. I’ll buy a skateboard and a dog. Then I’ll hold the dog’s leash and let him pull me along side you.”

He laughed. “That’s cruel.”

“ It would be a really big dog. Or maybe a wolf.”

He rubbed the last bit of sunscreen into my shoulders and then handed the tube back to me. “Sounds good, let’s swim. My surprise doesn’t start for another hour.”

I hated having to wait another hour, but at least we were at the beach. I’d been dying to jump into the water since first stepping out of the hotel, and now I was practically melting from the heat, even under the umbrella. I hopped up and was about to start walking toward the water when Beck grabbed my hand.

“ You can’t just mosey on in. You’ve got run in with me and dive into a wave.”

He was already pulling me along, practically lifting me off the sand behind him. Little kids looked up just as we narrowly missed taking down their hastily-built sand castles.

“ Beck! What if the salt gets in my eyes?” I asked just as my toes dipped into the cold water. It felt amazing. “My sunscreen hasn’t soaked in!”

“ Close them!” He didn’t even pause to reassure me. He took me farther out until a wave hit my thighs. The wave after it hit my stomach. Each one rocked against my slight frame, threatening to break my connection with Beck, but he held on tighter.

“ On the count of three, hold your nose and close your eyes!” Just as he finished his orders, I looked up to see the wave-of-all-waves rolling toward us. It looked like it would swallow me up whole.

“ Beck!” I screamed, half-fearing for my life, half-giddy with anticipation.

“ One, Two, Three!” he called. I plugged my nose and closed my eyes just as Beck pulled me under the surface so that the wave washed over us. The cold water met my face with an icy splash, and for a moment I forgot I was under water. I smiled wide and briny water slipped over my tongue. I didn’t mind the taste and I didn’t have long to consider it because in the next moment Beck was pulling me to the surface. He was laughing wildly and I joined in, feeling the laughter in every cell of my body.

I wanted more.

“ Let’s go out farther!” I shouted, starting to pull him away from shore. I knew the dangers of the ocean: rip tides, under currents, sharks eating me alive, etc. But I didn’t care. I trusted Beck and I knew he wouldn’t let the ocean harm me if he could help it.

“ There’s probably a sandbar soon. Let’s try and reach it,” he commanded.

I could still touch at that point, but the water was getting higher and higher as we went. My heart didn’t kick into overdrive until the water hit my neck. I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to tread water in the ocean. Calm water in a lake was one thing, but something about the ocean seemed inherently scary.

“ I think you’ll be okay, but if you need to you can climb onto my back like you did in the lake. Okay?” I didn’t want to need to rely on him, but I was glad the option was there nonetheless.

“ Are you sure there’s a sandbar out there?” I asked, trying to find reassurance in the unknown.

He stopped moving us forward and turned to look at me. “No. I honestly have no clue. We can either try to reach one and maybe end up getting eaten by sharks, or we can stay here and wonder for the rest of our lives if there was a sandbar just a few more yards in the distance.”

I didn’t respond right away. Our eyes locked together. Hazelly madness and sage green. I had to squint as the sun glistened against the water. Then, slowly, a grin unfolded.

“ The shark would definitely want to eat you. You’re much more meaty. So, really, I have nothing to worry about. Let’s go.”

I thought he’d start pulling me out to sea right away, but instead he leaned in and kissed the edge of my mouth. When he pulled back I had no clue what he was thinking. His features were indistinguishable and his gaze was focused on our goal.

Was that a kiss kiss, or did I have food on the side of my mouth from breakfast? Dear God, if I had granola stuck to my face, please let a shark eat me right now.

We started swimming, finally releasing our hands, but sticking close enough that our arms touched whenever our strokes aligned. I tried to control my breathing so that I wouldn’t embarrass myself with my lack of endurance. I didn’t have an excuse. I wasn’t the sick girl anymore. My body was healthy, my heart was healthy. I could do it.

I took a deep breath and pushed against the waves trying to rock me back to shore. Beck slowed his pace so that we stayed together.

Then finally, he let out a cheer and I turned to watch him place his feet on the ocean floor and stand up. Not a second later I followed suit and felt my feet dip into sand. We’d reached the sand bar. My breaths were labored and heavy, but I felt like I’d accomplished something much more profound than simply swimming out into the ocean. I know it might be hard to understand, but two months before that I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without feeling winded. The idea of exercising or using my body as anything other than a vessel for watching TV, reading, and sleeping, had seemed like a cruel joke.

So you see, when I swam to that sandbar, using my own muscles, my own blood, and veins, and heart, it felt like I could take on the world.

“ Beck!” I squealed, and jumped so that water splashed around me.

“ Abby!” Beck answered with excitement. He could’ve swam to that sandbar and back two dozen times, but he celebrated with me as if he knew how monumental it was.

“ TAKE THAT SHARKS!” I screamed so loud that I’m sure any shark within a few miles fled for fear of my wrath.

Beck and I laughed and jumped around, splashing water. Then he completely side-swiped me.

“ I LIKE YOU!” Three words screamed out into the ocean so confidently and carefree that I wanted to bottle them up to prove to myself that he had in fact said them.

I stopped splashing and I just stared at him with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. I know you might be thinking “he didn’t say love , chill out”, but before that moment, a boy had never told me he liked me. Waves crashed against my hips, and I just stood there silent, completely taken aback. Thankfully, he didn’t wait for me to respond.

“ C’mon! Our surprise starts in a little bit and we should take a quick break before then.”

Date: 2015-02-16; view: 400