Understanding and Perception

As you learn to listen deeply to other people, you will discover tremendous differences in

perception. You will also begin to appreciate the impact that these differences can have as people try to work together in interdependent situations.

You see the young woman; I see the old lady. And both of us can be right.

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart You may look at the world through spouse-centered glasses; I may see it through the

money-centered lens of economic concern.

You may be scripted in the Abundance Mentality; I may be scripted in the Scarcity Mentality.

You may approach problems from a highly visual, intuitive, holistic right-brain paradigm; I may be

very left brain, very sequential, analytical, and verbal in my approach.

Our perceptions can be vastly different. And yet we both have lived with our paradigms for years,

thinking they are "facts," and questioning the character or the mental competence of anyone who can't

"see the facts."

Now, with all our differences, we're trying to work together -- in a marriage, in a job, in a

community service project -- to manage resources and accomplish results. So how do we do it? How

do we transcend the limits of our individual perceptions so that we can deeply communicate, so that we

can cooperatively deal with the issues and come up with win-win solutions?

The answer is Habit 5. It's the first step in the process of win-win. Even if (and especially when) the other person is not coming from that paradigm, seek first to understand.

This principle worked powerfully for one executive who shared with me the following experience.

"I was working with a small company that was in the process of negotiating a contract with a large

national banking institution. This institution flew in their lawyers from San Francisco, their negotiator from Ohio, and presidents of two of their large banks to create an eight-person negotiating team. The

company I worked with had decided to go for Win-Win or No Deal. They wanted to significantly

increase the level of service and the cost, but they had been almost overwhelmed with the demands of

this large financial institution.

"The president of our company sat across the negotiating table and told them, 'We would like for

you to write the contract the way you want it so that we can make sure we understand your needs and

your concerns. We will respond to those needs and concerns. Then we can talk about pricing.'

"The members of the negotiating team were overwhelmed. They were astounded that they were

going to have the opportunity to write the contract. They took three days to come up with the idea.

"When they presented it, the president said, 'Now let's make sure we understand what you want.'

And he went down the contract, rephrasing the content, reflecting the feeling, until he was sure and

they were sure he understood what was important to them. 'Yes. That's right. No, that's not exactly

what we meant here...yes, you've got it now.'

"When he thoroughly understood their perspective, he proceeded to explain some concerns from his

perspective. . .and they listened. They were ready to listen. They weren't fighting for air. What had started out as a very formal, low-trust, almost hostile atmosphere had turned into a fertile

environment for synergy.

"At the conclusion of the discussions, the members of the negotiating team basically said, 'We want

to work with you. We want to do this deal. Just let us know what the price is and we'll sign.'"

Then Seek to Be Understood

Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood. Knowing how to be understood is the other half

of Habit 5, and is equally critical in reaching win-win solutions.

Earlier we defined maturity as the balance between courage and consideration. Seeking to

understand requires consideration; seeking to be understood takes courage. Win-win requires a high

degree of both. So it becomes important in interdependent situations for us to be understood.

The early Greeks had a magnificent philosophy which is embodied in three sequentially arranged

words: ethos, pathos, and logos. I suggest these three words contain the essence of seeking first to

understand and making effective presentations.

Ethos is your personal credibility, the faith people have in your integrity and competency. It's the

trust that you inspire, your Emotional Bank Account. Pathos is the empathic side -- it's the feeling. It means that you are in alignment with the emotional trust of another person's communication. Logos is

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart the logic, the reasoning part of the presentation.

Notice the sequence: ethos, pathos, logos -- your character, and your relationships, and then the

logic of your presentation. This represents another major Paradigm Shift. Most people, in making

presentations, go straight to the logos, the left-brain logic, of their ideas. They try to convince other people of the validity of that logic without first taking ethos and pathos into consideration.

I had an acquaintance who was very frustrated because his boss was locked into what he felt was an

unproductive leadership style.

"Why doesn't he do anything?" he asked me. "I've talked to him about it, he's aware of it, but he does nothing."

"Well, why don't you make an effective presentation?" I asked.

"I did," was the reply.

"How do you define 'effective'? Who do they send back to school when the salesman doesn't sell --

the buyer? Effective means it works; it means P/PC. Did you create the change you wanted? Did

you build the relationship in the process? What were the results of your presentation?"

"I told you, he didn't do anything. He wouldn't listen."

"Then make an effective presentation. You've got to empathize with his head. You've got to get

into his frame of mind. You're got to make your point simply and visually and describe the alternative he is in favor of better than he can himself. That will take some homework. Are you willing to do

that?"

"Why do I have to go through all that?" he asked

"In other words, you want him to change his whole leadership style and you're not willing to change

your method of presentation?"

"I guess so," he replied.

"Well, then," I said, "just smile about it and learn to live with it."

"I can't live with it," he said. "It compromises my integrity."

"Okay, then get to work on an effective presentation. That's in your Circle of Influence."

In the end, he wouldn't do it. The investment seemed too great.

Another acquaintance, a university professor, was willing to pay the price. He approached me one

day and said, "Stephen, I can't get to first base in getting the funding I need for my research because my research is really not in the mainstream of this department's interests."

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart You're not wrapped up in your "own thing," delivering grandiose rhetoric from a soapbox. You

really understand. What you're presenting may even be different from what you had originally

thought because in your effort to understand, you learned.

Habit 5 lifts you to greater accuracy, greater integrity, in your presentations. And people know

that. They know you're presenting the ideas which you genuinely believe, taking all known facts and

perceptions into consideration, that will benefit everyone.

One-on-One

Habit 5 is powerful because it is right in the middle of your Circle of Influence. Many factors in

interdependent situations are in your Circle of Concern -- problems, disagreements, circumstances,

other people's behavior. And if you focus your energies out there, you deplete them with little

positive results.

But you can always seek first to understand. That's something that's within your control. And as

you do that, as you focus on your Circle of Influence, you really, deeply understand other people. You have accurate information to work with, you get to the heart of matters quickly, you build Emotional

Bank Accounts, and you give people the psychological air they need so you can work together

effectively.

It's the Inside-Out approach. And as you do it, watch what happens to your Circle of Influence.

Because you really listen, you become influenceable. And being influenceable is the key to influencing others. Your circle begins to expand. You increase your ability to influence many of the things in

your Circle of Concern.

And watch what happens to you. The more deeply you understand other people, the more you

will appreciate them, the more reverent you will feel about them. To touch the soul of another human

being is to walk on holy ground.

Habit 5 is something you can practice right now. The next time you communicate with anyone,

you can put aside your own autobiography and genuinely seek to understand. Even when people

don't want to open up about their problems, you can be empathic. You can sense their hearts, you can

sense the hurt, and you can respond, "You seem down today." They may say nothing. That's all right.

You've shown understanding and respect.

Don't push; be patient; be respectful. People don't have to open up verbally before you can

empathize. You can empathize all the time with their behavior. You can be discerning, sensitive, and aware and you can live outside your autobiography when that is needed.

And if you're highly proactive, you can create opportunities to do preventive work. You don't

have to wait until your son or daughter has a problem with school or you have your next business negotiation to seek first to understand.

Spend time with your children now, one-on-one. Listen to them; understand them. Look at your

home, at school life, at the challenges and the problems they're facing, through their eyes. Build the Emotional Bank Account. Give them air.

Go out with your spouse on a regular basis. Have dinner or do something together you both enjoy.

Listen to each other; seek to understand. See life through each other's eyes.

My daily time with Sandra is something I wouldn't trade for anything. As well as seeking to

understand each other, we often take time to actually practice empathic listening skills to help us in

communicating with our children.

We often share our different perceptions of the situation, and we role-play more effective

approaches to difficult interpersonal family problems.

I may act as if I am a son or daughter requesting a special privilege even though I haven't fulfilled a

basic family responsibility, and Sandra plays herself

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart We interact back and forth and try to visualize the situation in a very real way so that we can train

ourselves to be consistent in modeling and teaching correct principles to our children. Some of our

most helpful role-plays come from redoing a past difficult or stressful scene in which one of us "blew it."

The time you invest to deeply understand the people you love brings tremendous dividends in open

communication. Many of the problems that plague families and marriages simply don't have time to

fester and develop. The communication becomes so open that potential problems can be nipped in the

bud. And there are great reserves of trust in the Emotional Bank Account to handle the problems that

do arise.

In business, you can set up one-on-one time with your employees. Listen to them, understand

them. Set up human resource accounting or Stakeholder Information Systems in your business to get

honest, accurate feedback at every level: from customers, suppliers, and employees. Make the

human element as important as the financial or the technical element. You save tremendous amounts

of time, energy, and money when you tap into the human resources of a business at every level. When

you listen, you learn. And you also give the people who work for you and with you psychological air.

You inspire loyalty that goes well beyond the eight-to-five physical demands of the job.

Seek first to understand. Before the problems come up, before you try to evaluate and prescribe,

before you try to present your own ideas -- seek to understand. It's a powerful habit of effective

interdependence.

When we really, deeply understand each other, we open the door to creative solutions and Third

Alternatives. Our differences are no longer stumbling blocks to communication and progress.

Instead, they become the stepping stones to synergy.

Date: 2015-02-03; view: 1663