Character and Communication

Right now, you're reading a book I've written. Reading and writing are both forms of

communication. So are speaking and listening. In fact, those are the four basic types of

communication. And think of all the hours you spend doing at least one of those four things. The

ability to do them well is absolutely critical to your effectiveness.

Communication is the most important skill in life. We spend most of our waking hours

communicating. But consider this: You've spent years learning how to read and write, years learning

how to speak. But what about listening? What training or education have you had that enables you

to listen so that you really, deeply understand another human being from that individual's own frame

of reference?

Comparatively few people have had any training in listening at all. And, for the most part, their

training has been in the personality ethic of technique, truncated from the character base and the

relationship base absolutely vital to authentic understanding of another person.

If you want to interact effectively with me, to influence me -- your spouse, your child, your neighbor,

your boss, your coworker, your friend -- you first need to understand me. And you can't do that with

technique alone. If I sense you're using some technique, I sense duplicity, manipulation. I wonder

why you're doing it, what your motives are. And I don't feel safe enough to open myself up to you.

The real key to your influence with me is your example, your actual conduct. Your example flows

naturally out of your character, of the kind of person you truly are -- not what others say you are or

what you may want me to think you are. It is evident in how I actually experience you.

Your character is constantly radiating, communicating. From it, in the long run, I come to

instinctively trust or distrust you and your efforts with me.

If your life runs hot and cold, if you're both caustic and kind, and, above all, if your private

performance doesn't square with your public performance, it's very hard for me to open up with you.

Then, as much as I may want and even need to receive your love and influence, I don't feel safe enough

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart to expose my opinions and experiences and my tender feelings. Who knows what will happen?

But unless I open up with you, unless you understand me and my unique situation and feelings, you

won't know how to advise or counsel me. What you say is good and fine, but it doesn't quite pertain

to me.

You may say you care about and appreciate me. I desperately want to believe that. But how can

you appreciate me when you don't even understand me? All I have are your words, and I can't trust

words.

I'm too angry and defensive -- perhaps too guilty and afraid -- to be influenced, even though inside I

know I need what you could tell me.

Unless you're influenced by my uniqueness, I'm not going to be influenced by your advice. So if

you want to be really effective in the habit of interpersonal communication, you cannot do it with

technique alone. You have to build the skills of empathic listening on a base of character that inspires openness and trust. And you have to build the Emotional Bank Accounts that create a commerce

between hearts.

Date: 2015-02-03; view: 1015