Principles of Empathic Communication

The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of.

-- Pascal

Suppose you've been having trouble with your eyes and you decide to go to an optometrist for help.

After briefly listening to your complaint, he takes off his glasses and hands them to you.

"Put these on," he says. "I've worn this pair of glasses for 10 years now and they've really helped me. I have an extra pair at home; you can wear these."

So you put them on, but it only makes the problem worse

"This is terrible!" you exclaim. "I can't see a thing!"

"Well, what's wrong?" he asks. "They work great for me. Try harder."

"I am trying," you insist. "Everything is a blur."

"Well, what's the matter with you? Think positively."

"Okay. I positively can't see a thing."

"Boy, you are ungrateful!" he chides. "And after all I've done to help you!"

What are the chances you'd go back to that optometrist the next time you need help? Not very

good, I would imagine. You don't have much confidence in someone who doesn't diagnose before he

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart or she prescribes.

But how often do we diagnose before we prescribe in communication?

"Come on, honey, tell me how you feel. I know it's hard, but I'll try to understand."

"Oh, I don't know, Mom. You'd think it was stupid."

"Of course I wouldn't! You can tell me. Honey, no one cares for you as much as I do. I'm only

interested in your welfare. What's making you so unhappy?"

"Oh, I don't know."

"Come on, honey. What is it?"

"Well, to tell you the truth, I just don't like school anymore."

"What?" you respond incredulously. "What do you mean you don't like school? And after all the sacrifices we've made for your education! Education is the foundation of your future. If you'd apply yourself like your older sister does, you'd do better and then you'd like school. Time and time again, we've told you to settle down. You've got the ability, but you just don't apply yourself. Try harder.

Get a positive attitude about it."

Pause

"Now go ahead. Tell me how you feel."

We have such a tendency to rush in, to fix things up with good advice. But we often fail to take the

time to diagnose, to really, deeply understand the problem first.

If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field

of interpersonal relations, it would be this: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood. This

principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication.

Date: 2015-02-03; view: 797