The Personality and Character Ethics

At the same time, in addition to my research on perception, I was also deeply immersed in an

in-depth study of the success literature published in the United States since 1776. I was reading or

scanning literally hundreds of books, articles, and essays in fields such as self-improvement, popular

psychology, and self-help. At my fingertips was the sum and substance of what a free and democratic

people considered to be the keys to successful living.

As my study took me back through 200 years of writing about success, I noticed a startling pattern

emerging in the content of the literature. Because of our own pain, and because of similar pain I had

seen in the lives and relationships of many people I had worked with through the years, I began to feel

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart more and more that much of the success literature of the past 50 years was superficial. It was filled

with social image consciousness, techniques and quick fixes -- with social band-aids and aspirin that

addressed acute problems and sometimes even appeared to solve them temporarily -- but left the

underlying chronic problems untouched to fester and resurface time and again.

In stark contrast, almost all the literature in the first 150 years or so focused on what could be called the character ethic as the foundation of success -- things like integrity, humility, fidelity, temperance, courage, justice, patience, industry, simplicity, modesty, and the Golden Rule. Benjamin Franklin's

autobiography is representative of that literature. It is, basically, the story of one man's effort to

integrate certain principles and habits deep within his nature.

The character ethic taught that there are basic principles of effective living, and that people can only

experience true success and enduring happiness as they learn and integrate these principles into their

basic character.

But shortly after World War I the basic view of success shifted from the character ethic to what we

might call the personality ethic. Success became more a function of personality, of public image, of

attitudes and behaviors, skills and techniques, that lubricate the processes of human interaction. This personality ethic essentially took two paths: one was human and public relations techniques, and the

other was positive mental attitude (PMA). Some of this philosophy was expressed in inspiring and

sometimes valid maxims such as "Your attitude determines your altitude," "Smiling wins more friends than frowning," and "Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe it can achieve.

Other parts of the personality approach were clearly manipulative, even deceptive, encouraging

people to use techniques to get other people to like them, or to fake interest in the hobbies of others to get out of them what they wanted, or to use the "power look," or to intimidate their way through life.

Some of this literature acknowledged character as an ingredient of success, but tended to

compartmentalize it rather than recognize it as foundational and catalytic. Reference to the character ethic became mostly lip service; the basic thrust was quick-fix influence techniques, power strategies,

communication skills, and positive attitudes.

This personality ethic, I began to realize, was the subconscious source of the solutions Sandra and I

were attempting to use with our son. As I thought more deeply about the difference between the

personality and character ethics, I realized that Sandra and I had been getting social mileage out of our children's good behavior, and, in our eyes, this son simply didn't measure up. Our image of ourselves, and our role as good, caring parents was even deeper than our image of our son and perhaps influenced

it. There was a lot more wrapped up in the way we were seeing and handling the problem than our

concern for our son's welfare.

As Sandra and I talked, we became painfully aware of the powerful influence of our character and

motives and of our perception of him. We knew that social comparison motives were out of harmony

with our deeper values and could lead to conditional love and eventually to our son's lessened sense of

self-worth. So we determined to focus our efforts on us -- not on our techniques, but on our deepest

motives and our perception of him. Instead of trying to change him, we tried to stand apart -- to

separate us from him -- and to sense his identity, individuality, separateness, and worth.

Through deep thought and the exercise of faith and prayer, we began to see our son in terms of his

own uniqueness. We saw within him layers and layers of potential that would be realized at his own

pace and speed. We decided to relax and get out of his way and let his own personality emerge. We

saw our natural role as being to affirm, enjoy, and value him. We also conscientiously worked on our

motives and cultivated internal sources of security so that our own feelings of worth were not

dependent on our children's "acceptable" behavior.

As we loosened up our old perception of our son and developed value-based motives, new feelings

began to emerge. We found ourselves enjoying him instead of comparing or judging him. We

stopped trying to clone him in our own image or measure him against social expectations. We

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE Brought to you by FlyHeart stopped trying to kindly, positively manipulate him into an acceptable social mold. Because we saw

him as fundamentally adequate and able to cope with life, we stopped protecting him against the

ridicule of others.

He had been nurtured on this protection, so he went through some withdrawal pains, which he

expressed and which we accepted, but did not necessarily respond to. "We don't need to protect you,"

was the unspoken message. "You're fundamentally okay."

As the weeks and months passed, he began to feel a quiet confidence and affirmed himself. He

began to blossom, at his own pace and speed. He became outstanding as measured by standard social

criteria -- academically, socially and athletically -- at a rapid clip, far beyond the so-called natural

developmental process. As the years passed, he was elected to several student body leadership

positions, developed into an all-state athlete and started bringing home straight A report cards. He

developed an engaging and guileless personality that has enabled him to relate in nonthreatening ways

to all kinds of people.

Sandra and I believe that our son's "socially impressive" accomplishments were more a

serendipitous expression of the feelings he had about himself than merely a response to social reward.

This was an amazing experience for Sandra and me, and a very instructional one in dealing with our

other children and in other roles as well. It brought to our awareness on a very personal level the vital difference between the personality ethic and the character ethic of success. The Psalmist expressed our conviction well: "Search your own heart with all diligence for out of it flow the issues of life."

Date: 2015-02-03; view: 975