HOW MEN CAN AVOID EXTINCTION

As bad as the future looks for us, there is some hope that we, as men, can delay our demise—if we learn to adopt some very important new behaviors. There are many things we can learn from women and how they function sanely. Here are a few:

1. Remember That Your Car Is Not a Weapon of Mass Destruction. Stop getting pissed off at that car that just cut you off. Why do you really care? You’re going to get home in the same amount of time anyway. So some jerk cost you four seconds on the road. Big deal! Get a grip. Women couldn’t care less about stuff like this, and they live longer for it. When they see an asshole on the road, they just shake their heads and laugh —and it works! Guys, we have got to relax. We’re damaging our hearts with every minute of uptight, tense, and angry behavior. Quit walking around like you’ve got a pineapple up your ass. Nothing matters THAT much. (Except a real pineapple. That would matter something awful.)

2. Lighten Up on the Food and Drink. We need to think more about what we put in our mouths. If you and I would eat less and drink less, we’d live a lot longer. When’s the last time you saw a woman pig out like it was her last meal? Sure, we’ve all seen women pound back the liquor, but how many females have you seen just drop their pants and start peeing on the curb? Why do you think so many of us men get colon and stomach cancer and liver disease? Because we can’t say no to Jack (Daniels) or Jim (Beam) or a pound and a half of half-cooked beef topped with fried onion rings, year-old jalapeños, and Tabasco sauce. There’s a reason you’ve never seen a woman take a newspaper into a bathroom. Get a clue!

3. Step Aside, You’ll Live Longer. Listen, why don’t we retire and let women run the world? Okay, so you don’t want women having power, because you’re a conservative redneck. But what would you say if I told you that letting them worry about building that nuclear plant in Bahrain, or declaring war against China, or finding a solution to the continuing abuse of the infield fly rule, would give us men eight more years of life? Let’s step aside and shut up! Is it that big a cheap thrill just to be “the boss” and have to deal with hundreds of employees and all their crap? Who needs it? Let’s back off, take a break, and let the women have this crazy unmanageable world for the next ten thousand years. Think of all the reading you’ll catch up on.

4. Wash Your Hands Across America. It’s time to wise up: our personal habits are so revolting it’s a wonder women are willing even to breathe the same air we do. If we men could only get our act together and change a few simple things, we’d immediately score more empathy and companionship. For starters, we should keep our hands where they belong. They weren’t intended to be used in nostrils, anuses, ears, or navels. They were not designed to tear out articles from the newspaper before she has a chance to read it, or to pick a loose piece of kielbasa skin from between your teeth, or to sandpaper that patch of dandruff on your head. Stop checking (and adjusting) your crotch in public—nothing has disappeared since your last inventory, roughly a minute ago. Keep your legs together, so you don’t take up three seats on buses and trains. Wear underwear— preferably underwear that’s been washed this year,in a washing machine, with actual laundry soap.

5. Learn How a Toilet Seat Works. All right, boys, I thought for sure we’d be over this by now, but the foul evidence in airports and train stations and fast-food emporia all over this great land tells me this: despite the constant carping of TV comics everywhere, we just haven’t gotten the message. So here’s a quick refresher course:

• First, lift the movable oval cover into an upright position. Then lift the movable oval seat beneath it into an upright position. They will both automatically lock into place. That’s so you can use both hands. It’s just like steering a car. You wouldn’t want the car to go off the road, would you? Fine, and the women in your house feel the same way about your piss all over the wallpaper,.

• Aim, hold, release, return to pants.

• Take one hand and gently return oval seat and its top to their lowered positions. No audible sound of the seat hitting the ceramic bowl should be heard.

• Grasp the little silver handle at left and FLUSH. (This is not optional, even in a public restroom.) If the first flush doesn’t take, you may not leave the scene: stay there till you’re looking at a clean bowl.

• Wash hands. Dry them on the towels provided, not the shirt you’re wearing. Throw the paper towel into the trash receptacle—or, if the towel is made of cloth, place it back on towel rack (usually a metal or plastic rod protruding from the wall near the sink). If you’re in your own home, put the cloth towel into the laundry at least once a week. Wash. Return to bathroom.

6. Bathe Daily. Throwing some water in your face to wake up in the morning does not constitute bathing. Neither does being doused with a Heineken at a party the night before. Step into the tub. Turn handle halfway between HOT and COLD. Lift stem on faucet to create shower effect. Take bar of soap and washcloth and scrub all areas of the body. Do NOT place the bar of soap in body cavities to “get them extra clean.” Someone else has to use that bar of soap on her face. Rinse. When finished, leave shower area and dry off, creating as little a water trail as possible.

7. Tone It Down. Lower your voice. Try listening. Here’s how it works: When someone else is talking, pay close attention to what they are saying. Maintain eye contact. Do not interrupt. When he or she is finished, pause and reflect on what was said. Try saying nothing at all. Notice how what you have heard is stimulating thoughts, concepts, feelings, and ideas in your head. This may lead to something brilliant. You will then be able to take those ideas, claim them as yours, and become famous!

8. Get Your Hearing Checked. If the above doesn’t work, there may be something physically wrong with you. May is National Better Health and Speech Month; many hospitals and community groups offer free screening for hearing loss. Check your local newspaper for announcements of free hearing tests in your area. In addition, most hospitals offer periodic free hearing tests throughout the year. You can also find on-line quizzes to help you determine if you should seek a professional hearing evaluation. One such test can be found at: health.aol.thriveonline.oxygen.com/medical/wgames/gen/ health.hearing.html.

9. Know That Women Are onto Us. Cut out the sensitive-man crap. They know the drill. Don’t try convincing anyone you’re a “feminist.” You don’t qualify: you play for the other team. It’s like a Klansman chanting, “KEEP HOPE ALIVE!” You are a specimen of the gender that will always make more money, that will always have the door swing open wide and far to wherever you want to go in life.

This does not mean you can’t help make things better. The best way to help women is to work on your fellow men. That’s where the real struggle is—getting enlightenment through the concrete block known as a man’s head.

Help end the wage gap by looking at your own paycheck. Make sure women doing the same job at work are getting paid the same as you. Participate in Equal Pay Day, usually held in early April on the day that marks the point in the new year when a woman has finally earned the wages paid to a man in a comparable job during the previous year. Contact fairplay@aol.com for more info.

And you can join in the effort to push Congress to pass two pieces of national legislation affecting equal pay. The Fair Pay Act would allow women to bring suit based on the principle of equal pay for equal work and would allow employees within a single company to sue if they believe they are being paid less than someone with an equivalent job and equivalent training. The Paycheck Fairness Act provides for higher damages in these types of lawsuits and protects employees who share salary information. The Center for Policy Alternatives has been working for pay equity for the past twenty-five years. To find out more, go to www.cfpa.org, or contact them at 202-387-6030.

Finally, join a union—or try to start one. According to the AFL-CIO, a thirty-year-old female union member making $30,000 a year stands to lose about $650,133 over a lifetime because of unequal pay. If she’s not a union member, on the other hand, she’ll lose about $870,327. If you convince the other men on the job to unionize the establishment, then you’ll have greatly improved your female coworkers’ lives, and your own.

Date: 2015-02-03; view: 889