I'M LONELY BUT NO-ONE CAN TELL

"If I wanted children I'd just go to Harrods and buy one. They sell anything there. Buy two, and you get a nanny thrown in!"

When I have a relationship it is never a half-hearted one. I don't believe in half measures or compromise. I just can't bear to compromise about anything. I give everything I've got because that's the way I am.

I try to hold back when I'm attracted to someone but I just can't control love. It runs riot. I fall in love far too quickly and end up getting hurt all the time. Maybe I just draw the wrong kind of people to me? I've got scars all over. But I can't help myself because basically I'm a sortie.

In terms of love, you're never in control and I hate that feeling. I've cried rivers. I may be hard on the exterior, but I'm very soft-centred. I have this hard, macho shell which I project on stage but there's a much softer side too, which melts like butter. I'm a true romantic, just like Rudolph Valentine, but some articles make me sound so damned cold.

I have a soft side and a hard side, with not a lot in between. If the right person finds me I can be very vulnerable, a real baby, which is invariably when I get trodden on, but sometimes I'm hard, and when I'm strong no one can get to me. Now and again the quills come out - and they're sharp!

I'm a very dominant person in my relationship». I'm also very possesive person. I can go to great lengths trying to he loyal just to prove point, but the moment I find someone has betrayed me, I go the other way. Betrayed, I'm an ogre!

I'm a man of extremes and that can be very destructive. I can be very over-emotional and that can be a very destructive trait in me too. I seem to eat people up when they get too close and destroy them, no matter how hard I try to make things work. There must be a destructive element in me because I try very hard to build up relationships but somehow I drive people away. They always blame the end of the love affair on me because I'm the successful one. Who ever I'm with they seem to get into a battle of trying to match up to me, and over-compensating.

I spoil my lovers terribly. I like to make them happy and I get so much pleasure out of giving them wonderful, expensive presents, but then they end up treading all over me. When I lay myself bare on the floor it just seems to be my downfall.

Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat, in fear because I'm alone. That's why I go out looking for someone who will love me, even if it's just for a me night stand. My one night stands are just me playing my part. What I i rally like is a lot of loving. I fall in love and then I end up getting hurt and scarred. It seems I just can't win.

In one way I think the more mishaps I have, the better the songs I write are going to be. Once I find somebody, find a long-lasting relationship, bang goes all the research for wonderful songs! I'm sort of living on past mishaps. Well, having said all of that, I don't know... I don't know what's in store for и»». I want a challenge. I always want it that way. I think my system is just

conditioned to that. The moment it gets too nice, I become bored. I spoil it for myself.

Yes I'm gay. I've done all that. I'm as gay as a daffodil, dears. But I couldn't fall in love with the man the way I could with a girl. I don't go out to have very gay company, but in this business it's very hard to find loyal friends and keep them. Among my friends are a lot of gay people and a lot of girls - and a lot of old men tool! I move in a theatrical world and people on draw their own connotations from that. I had a girlfriend I lived with for five years -Mary. I had boyfriends as well. It would destroy all the mystery if I always explained everything about myself. To actually come out with it and go into huge detail about all those things, to be honest, is a bit beneath me. I have maybe a wider sexual taste than most people, but that's as far as I'm going to go.

(Это же надо умудриться в один абзац впихнуть и выдать за одно фрагменты из сразу нескольких интервью с временной разницей в 10 лет!). Включая никогда не существовавшее интервью из Sun, официально опровергнутое Фредди. Поздравляю вас, господа квиноманы – жулики из Mercury Songs потеряли остатки уважения и веры в ваши умственные способности – если таковая у них когда-либо была.)

I'm a human being. I'd like people to recognise the fact that I'm a human being. It's like I'm handicapped, because people immediately go for my so-called stage persona. No-one loves the real me. Inside, they're all in love with my fame and stardom. Therefore I have to virtually fight. Most of the time it works against me. I want a relationship, but I feel I have to fight that all the time. It's like I created a monster. I have to find somebody to accept that, in terms of a relationship, but it's very hard. You try to segregate the two and it's not easy - it's like two sides of a coin. There have been romances in my life that have gone wrong and it is very hard to find someone genuine. You can't tell whether they want you or Freddie Mercury the pop star... and He's someone quite different!

I can be a good lover, but I think after all these years I'm not a very good partner for anybody. I've had a lot of lovers, of course. I've had more lovers than Liz Taylor! Both male and female. I've tried relationships on either side, but my affairs never seem to last. All of them went wrong. Obviously I'm not a good catalyst. Love is Russian roulette for me.

Finding that wonderful person is very hard and sometimes I try too hard. I was running away with myself. I mean, the more I was upset with the relationship, the more there was a backlog of stress and hardship and those things. Oh dear! It sounds like this could be like a real sob story, but I don't mean it that way. I feel I'm walking around with scars all over the place end I just think I couldn't take another scar.

I get hurt, but I try not to make too much of a show of it. I'm not a person to hold a grudge. At the actual moment of a betrayal it's like a knife in you back, and of course my initial reaction is "I'm gonna get that fucker!" Hut it doe» fade. I will myself into that kind of thing. I just let It go. It’s not worth it. I've been let down many times, but I )ust grit my teeth, bite my tongue and say, "Fuck 'em!"

In many cases we end up being friends, after a while, which is quite amazing for me. There are so many people who have fucked me up, basically, and I think, "Never again." And some of my close friends say, "How could you just overlook that?" You see, I'm a softie... I'm a peach.

I'm possessed by love! Isn't everybody? Most of my songs are love ballads and things to do with sadness and torture and pain. I seem to write a lot of sad songs because I'm a very tragic person. But there is always an element of humour at the end.

I once wrote a song called My Love Is Dangerous [1985]. I feel that maybe that's what my love is - dangerous. I haven't actually analysed myself, but after all these years I must feel I'm not a very good partner for anybody, and I think that's what my love is. My love is dangerous. Who wants their love to he safe anyway? Can you imagine writing a song called 'My Love Is Safe'? It would never sell.

I generate a lot of friction, so I'm not the easiest person to have a relationship with. I'm the nicest person you could meet, my dears, but I'm very hard to live with. I don't think anyone could put up with me, and I sometimes I try too hard. In one way I am greedy, I just want it all my own way, but doesn't everybody? I'm a very loving person, you know, and I’m very giving person. I demand a lot, but I do give a lot in return.

I also found that in a way, over the years, I've become bitter. I just don't I anybody because I've been let down so many times. The more you've |been let down, the more hurt you endure. I find it very hard to open up to because I just don't trust the buggers. You just can't win in my situation, and that's the way it is.

When you have success it becomes very difficult. You find out the real baddies. I just take it a it comes. In fact, that's why I've built up a very hard exterior. I mean most of the time when people talk to me, I immediately think, "What do they want? Is he after this or that?" So it's very hard for people to get to know me. I have to go through a big sort of sifting process. I have to weed them out. I probably might do it to the wrong person sometimes, but I have to do that. You don't welcome people with open arms all the time -you just have to vet them.

Success has brought me millions of pounds, and worldwide adulation, but not the thing we all need - a loving relationship. You can be loved by so many thousands of people, yet still be the most loneliest person. And the frustration of that makes it even worse, because it's hard for people to understand that you can be lonely.

Most people wonder how someone like Freddie Mercury can be lonely? He has money, he has cars and chauffeurs, he has the lot. You can seem to have everything, and yet have nothing. Maybe one day I'll catch up with myself and that will be my downfall. In fact, sometimes that kind of loneliness is the hardest to bear because within all that, all the people around you, you're still lonely. You see, loneliness doesn't just mean shut off in a room by yourself, it can be that you're in a crowded area but still be the most lonely person, and that's the most hurtful thing.

This sounds like 'Poor, Lonely, Freddie.' I'll be inundated with offers!

It's difficult for people in my position. The slightest thing can turn it all back. Sometimes you can be a very strong person and you can build things up, against all odds, and it takes one tiny little thing, and that little four letter word can send you cart-wheeling back. But you can still strive for it. I've tried, but it's always gone wrong. It's so much heartache and I just don't wnt any more of that. I really don't. I think love always comes first, but love can let you down. You have to be so damn strong. Love can ruin everything that you've built up, if you let it. I suppose you have to be a hard-faced bitch.

A lot of the people that the media build up to be so strong, are not that it all underneath. Sometimes the strongest people can suddenly just collapse. It's like you've blown up a balloon and one prick can make it go, whoosh! You have to be very careful.

I live life to the full. My sex drive is enormous. I sleep with men, women, cats - you name it. I'll go to bed with anything! My bed is so huge it can comfortably sleep six. I prefer my sex without any involvement and there were times when I was extremely promiscuous. I used to be just an old slag who got up every morning, scratched his head, and wondered who he wanted to fuck today. I just lived for sex. I'm a very sexual person but I'm much more choosy now than I used to be. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want my security but I also want my freedom.

( Больше всего мне понравилось про кошек)

At the moment I'm living totally alone, believe it or not, and I'm loving it. I've got rid of three people that worked with me and that was wonderful. I was so scared of doing that because I thought I was going to hurt them, but then I thought, "No, just do it." So there you are. They've gone. Before, I thought I couldn't live alone, there had to be people around, but now I find

I can do that and it's fine.

I have nobody staying with me at the moment. I have a cleaning lady that comes in - who sometimes breaks the odd treasured ornament... if she'd been around in Louis XIV time, there wouldn't be any antiques left today - and Mary comes in too and looks after me. It sounds poverty stricken, doesn't |it? But I love it. I love the space. I've finally created some sort of space for myself. It's this feeling of being free - not that I was ever bogged down.

If you listen to my song Living On My Own, that is very me. It's living on my own, but having fun. There's a bit in the middle where I do my scat singing I'm just saying that when you think about somebody like me, my lifesstyle, 1 have to go around the world and live in hotels and that can be a very lonely life. But I chose it. That song is not dealing with people who are living on their own in basement flats, or situations like that, it's my living on my own. I mean, you can have a whole shoal of people looking after you, but in the end they all go away and you are in a hotel room on your own. I’m not complaining though. It's a different kind of living on my own. People with my success be lonely and can live on their own as well. I'm just 'her I'm living on my own und I'm having a boogie time! Does that make sense, honey?

Anyway, you can't revel in the success and then wake up one morning and say, "No, I don't want to be a superstar today. I want to go out in the streets on my own." It's impossible. When you're a celebrity it's hard to approach somebody and say, "Look, I'm normal underneath."

I'm very content at the moment, in terms of happiness, and in terms of love. It's something that I had to come to terms with, which is completely new to me. You always think that is the goal, and I want to strive for that. Suddenly I feel this is where I am, and the object is to make the best of it.

You have your ideals in terms of love, and I always thought it would be this way or that way. I've tried and tried, and I've failed. I can't categorise it. I've learned to come to grips with it. This is a form of happiness where I have to lump it or leave it. I think I'm honestly quite content now. And rather than not be content and keep gnawing and clawing at it, which is not going work, I go home and lock that door and just carry on.

I would have loved to have found a really beautiful relationship with somebody, a long-lasting one-to-one, but I don't feel I'm going to get that in my life now and I don't think my life can actually cater for it. It never seemed to work out. This is what I think my life is going to be, and I have to come to terms with it. If you tell yourself that, you can let off steam and say, "Fuck it! It's not going to happen that way so don't get so tangled up about it."

I love being free. I want to be free as a bird. I think I've gotten too used to it. To be honest I feel like I'm having such a good time right now, that I'm going to keep on doing it. But... you never know! Like Elton -1 think we're the same age, we average 40 - people change, and suddenly you want to settle down and have babies, just like he did. I think he just got there a bit quicker than expected. I thought he would have waited, but you never know, it could happen.

I really can't see myself being married. No-one would marry me, deerl...' the dowry was too high. And if I wanted children I'd just go to Harrods and buy one. They sell anything there. Yes, that will do! I'll go to Harrods and buy one. Buy two, and you get nanny thrown in!

Nobody wants to share their life with me. It's like old Hollywood stories where those wonderful actresses couldn't carry on a relationship because their careers came first. That's the way it is with me. I can't stop the wheel for a second and devote myself to a love affair because all sorts of business problems would pile up. The wheel has to keep turning and that makes it very hard for anyone to live with me and be happy. It's just the rigors of success I guess.

I wouldn't sacrifice my career if a partner wanted me to. It's my career that keeps me going. What else would I do? Dig weeds, get fat and be beautifully in love? No, I'd like to remain as successful as I am, write beautiful songs and be in love - not that it's worked up 'til now. My private life will always be erratic. I'll keep on trying.

I'm not married to music, I'm married to love. I may not have time for it, hut I'm not married to it. Music is my work, it's my job. It may not be 9-5, hilt it's my job. I see music as something that I earn my living at. I'm a total romantic and I'm married to love and people.

In 1984 Freddie met Jim Hutton. They would remain together as a couple until Freddie's death in November 1991.

(Ну и наглость! Просто взять и в открытую, не стесняясь, вписать Хаттона, отчаявшись найти какие-либо намёки на него как в настоящих, так и в фальшивых высказываниях. Вот вам и Life in his own words. Скорее это Life in bastards from Mercury Songs words. )

I wanted a kind of genuine tranquillity after the storm. Everybody expects I (n have stormy relationships. I was virtually living my own media thing, as it were, where you get caught up in it, and I thought that was the way I should be, 1 always thought I had to be the spokesman, the captain of the ship. I was working so hard, performing for everybody, even off-stage, and I just thought, "No, you don't have to do it. Let others do it. Just be yourself and try and be run-of-the-mill." I thought that I had to perform, I like over the show and everything, wherever I was. And then I just thought, "No, you don't have to do that. Let them tell you you're boring." And it’s wonderful. So people might say, "Oh my God you're boring. You're not saying a thing," but I love it now. I say, if I'm boring, then amuse yourself by finding something else to do. You see, they relied on me to entertain them. Once, if somebody said I'm boring, I would go mad, I'd have had a flap... but now I love it.

I just thought, “Look, discard all that and start afresh. Try to think of yourself as somebody different." You can't do it in patches.

I'm very happy with my relationship at the moment and I honestly couldn't ask for better. It's a kind of... solace. Yes that's a good word. We won't call it menopause! There is this kind of solace that I've got now. I don't have to try so hard. I don't have to prove myself now. I've got a very understanding relationship. It sounds so boring, but it's wonderful.

I've finally found that niche I was looking for all my life, and no fucker in this universe is going to upset it.

Chapter seven

LOVE OF MY LIFE

"I'd love to have a baby, yes. But I'd rather have another cat."

Mary is one of my closest friends in the world. Ours is a pure friendship and friendship of the highest standard. It's an instinctive thing. I have built up an immense bond with Mary. I open up to her more than anybody else. We have gone through a lot of ups and downs in our time together, but that has made our relationship all the stronger. I know a lot of people find it hard to understand our relationship. Other people who come into our lives just have to accept it. We love each other very much and look after each other. I don't want anybody else.

All my lovers asked me why they couldn't replace Mary, but it's simply impossible. Mary is my common-law wife. To me, it was a marriage. What is marriage anyway, something that you sign? As far as we were concerned, we were married and we carry on now like we are. Marriage is a term for other people. You can actually go through the entire process without saying you’re married. Just because a piece of paper ties you... I don't know about that. It's farcial.

I treat Mary as my common-law wife and we're getting on fine. It's where the heart is that matters. We're happy with each other and it doesn't matter what people think. We believe in each other and that's enough for me. We believe in each other, so fuck everybody else. Nobody should tell us what to do. I'm concerned we are married. It’s a God given situation.

I met Mary around 1970 and ever since then we have had a wonderful relationship. I met her at the Biba boutique in London, where she worked. I was a Biba freak right from the beginning, way before it got turned into a big department store. When I used to go there it was just a small boutique.

We were closer than anybody else, though we stopped living together after about seven years. Our love affair ended in tears, but a deep bond grew out of it, and that's something nobody can take away from us. It's unreachable. People always ask me about sexuality and all those things, right from the early days, but I couldn't fall in love with a man the same way as I have with Mary.

I'm not built to be a family man. I'm much too restless and highly strung for that. Mary and I have a good understanding. She gives me the freedom I need. I don't feel jealous of her lovers because, of course, she has a life to lead, and so do I. Basically, I try to make sure she's happy with whoever she's with, and she tries to do the same for me. We look after each other and that's a wonderful form of love.

Over the years I have become bitter and I don't trust anybody else because they have let me down so many times. I just don't trust anybody now. The higher up you go on the ladder or the more friends you make or the more successful you become, it seems to be that you trust less people rather than the other way round. I find it hard. I find it harder and harder to trust people. I sometimes think, "Oh, this person's going to be okay," and then I find I come a cropper. To be honest I can only name one really dear person who I can actually open up to and feel really happy with. The others, I have to think twice about. I'm cautious. Maybe I'm getting a bit too cautious, but that's the way it is.

Sometimes a good friend is much more valuable than a lover. Apart from Mary I don't have any real friends. I don't think I do. Friends come and go. A real true friend for me has to be very strong to put up with me. I think Mary has gone through just about everything with me. She has the depth and the qualities to adapt to me and talk to me about very serious thing. Even if we are not together at the time", 1 talk to her a lot on the phone. She's about the only person I can think of. Otherwise I just fend for myself and I cross my hurdles in my own way.

Finding a few very close people, that would be enough for me, but trying to get really true friends in this business is very hard. People tell me they're my friends, but I'm never certain. Sometimes when they get too close I think they seem to destroy me. I don't know, maybe it's my nature. I've said this before, but when they get too close they seem to tread all over me. If I lay myself bare I seem to get trampled on. At this point in time I seem to make fewer and fewer friends, but life goes on.

I'd love to have a baby, yes. That would be nice, but it will never happen. I'd rather have another cat. Maybe in another couple of years or in another three years time I might have a settled down feeling, but at this moment in nine, no, I'm going through a phase where I want to rest. For the first time 111 my life I've become very content. I want to see how far it goes and then I can think of things like that.

1 have built up this immense bond with Mary and it seems to grow and it seems to grow and grow. If I go first I'm going to leave everything to her. Nobody else gets a penny - except my cats. They deserve it. I had four cats, but one passed |away - poor fucking thing! She had to be put to sleep.

There have been only two individuals who have given back as much love as I gave to them: Mary, with whom I had a long affair, and our cat, Jerry.

I might have all the problems in the world, but I have Mary and that gets me through. She only lives about two minutes from me. I still see her every day I am as fond of her now as I have ever been. I'll love her until I draw my last breath. We'll probably grow old together.

Chapter eight

Date: 2015-02-03; view: 1025